The
Diary
of
a
Nobody
BY
GEORGE
GROSSMITH
AND
WEEDON
GROSSMITH
WITH
ILLUSTRATIONS
BY
WEEDON
GROSSMITH
BRISTOL
J
.
W
.
Arrowsmith
,
11
Quay
Street
LONDON
Simpkin
,
Marshall
,
Hamilton
,
Kent
and
Co.
Limited
THE
DIARY
OF
A
NOBODY
ORIGINALLY
APPEARED
IN
PUNCH
,
AND
IS
RE-PUBLISHED
BY
THE
PERMISSION
OF
THE
PROPRIETORS
,
MESSRS.
BRADBURY
AND
AGNEW
.
THE
DIARY
HAS
SINCE
BEEN
CONSIDERABLY
ADDED
TO
.
THE
EXCELLENT
TITLE
WAS
SUGGESTED
BY
OUR
MUTUAL
FRIEND
,
F
.
C
.
BURNAND
TO
WHOM
WE
HAVE
THE
GREAT
PLEASURE
OF
DEDICATING
THIS
VOLUME
.
GEORGE
GROSSMITH
,
WEEDON
GROSSMITH
.
London
,
June
,
1892.
Why
should
I
not
publish
my
diary
?
I
have
often
seen
reminiscences
of
people
I
have
never
even
heard
of
,
and
I
fail
to
see
—
because
I
do
not
happen
to
be
a
'
Somebody
'
—
why
my
diary
should
not
be
interesting
.
My
only
regret
is
that
I
did
not
commence
it
when
I
was
a
youth
.
Charles
Pooter
.
The
Laurels
,
Brickfield
Terrace
,
Holloway
.
CHAPTER
I
.
We
settle
down
in
our
new
home
,
and
I
resolve
to
keep
a
diary
.
Tradesmen
trouble
us
a
bit
,
so
does
the
scraper
.
The
Curate
calls
and
pays
me
a
great
compliment
.
My
dear
wife
Carrie
and
I
have
just
been
a
week
in
our
new
house
,
"
The
Laurels
,
"
Brickfield
Terrace
,
Holloway
—
a
nice
six-roomed
residence
,
not
counting
basement
with
a
front
breakfast-parlour
.
We
have
a
little
front
garden
;
and
there
is
a
flight
of
ten
steps
up
to
the
front
door
;
which
,
by-the-by
,
we
keep
locked
with
the
chain
up
.
Cummings
,
Gowing
,
and
our
other
intimate
friends
always
come
to
the
little
side
entrance
,
which
saves
the
servant
the
trouble
of
going
up
to
the
front
door
,
thereby
taking
her
from
her
work
.
We
have
a
nice
little
back
garden
which
runs
down
to
the
railway
.
We
were
rather
afraid
of
the
noise
of
the
trains
at
first
,
but
the
landlord
said
we
should
not
notice
them
after
a
bit
,
and
took
£
2
off
the
rent
.
He
was
certainly
right
;
and
beyond
the
cracking
of
the
garden-wall
at
the
bottom
,
we
have
suffered
no
inconvenience
.
After
my
work
in
the
City
,
I
like
to
be
at
home
.
What
's
the
good
of
a
home
,
if
you
are
never
in
it
?
"
Home
,
Sweet
Home
,
"
that
's
my
motto
.
I
am
always
in
of
an
evening
.
Our
old
friend
Gowing
may
drop
in
without
ceremony
;
so
may
Cummings
,
who
lives
opposite
.
My
dear
wife
Caroline
and
I
are
pleased
to
see
them
,
if
they
like
to
drop
in
on
us
.
But
Carrie
and
I
can
manage
to
pass
our
evenings
together
without
friends
.
There
is
always
something
to
be
done
:
a
tin-tack
here
,
a
Venetian
blind
to
put
straight
,
a
fan
to
nail
up
,
or
part
of
a
carpet
to
nail
down
—
all
of
which
I
can
do
with
my
pipe
in
my
mouth
;
while
Carrie
is
not
above
putting
a
button
on
a
shirt
,
mending
a
pillow-case
,
or
practising
the
"
Sylvia
Gavotte
"
on
our
new
cottage
piano
(
on
the
three
years
'
system
)
,
manufactured
by
W
.
Bilkson
(
in
small
letters
)
,
from
Collard
and
Collard
(
in
very
large
letters
)
.
It
is
also
a
great
comfort
to
us
to
know
that
our
boy
Willie
is
getting
on
so
well
in
the
Bank
at
Oldham
.
We
should
like
to
see
more
of
him
.
Now
for
my
diary
:
—
April
3.
—
Tradesmen
called
for
custom
,
and
I
promised
Farmerson
,
the
ironmonger
,
to
give
him
a
turn
if
I
wanted
any
nails
or
tools
.
By-the-by
,
that
reminds
me
there
is
no
key
to
our
bedroom
door
,
and
the
bells
must
be
seen
to
.
The
parlour
bell
is
broken
,
and
the
front
door
rings
up
in
the
servant
's
bedroom
,
which
is
ridiculous
.
Dear
friend
Gowing
dropped
in
,
but
would
n't
stay
,
saying
there
was
an
infernal
smell
of
paint
.
April
4.
—
Tradesmen
still
calling
:
Carrie
being
out
,
I
arranged
to
deal
with
Horwin
,
who
seemed
a
civil
butcher
with
a
nice
clean
shop
.
Ordered
a
shoulder
of
mutton
for
to-morrow
,
to
give
him
a
trial
.
Carrie
arranged
with
Dorset
,
the
butterman
,
and
ordered
a
pound
of
fresh
butter
,
and
a
pound
and
a
half
of
salt
ditto
for
kitchen
,
and
a
shilling
's
worth
of
eggs
.
In
the
evening
,
Cummings
unexpectedly
dropped
in
to
show
me
a
meerschaum
pipe
he
had
won
in
a
raffle
in
the
City
,
and
told
me
to
handle
it
carefully
,
as
it
would
spoil
the
colouring
if
the
hand
was
moist
.
He
said
he
would
n't
stay
,
as
he
did
n't
care
much
for
the
smell
of
the
paint
,
and
fell
over
the
scraper
as
he
went
out
.
Must
get
the
scraper
removed
,
or
else
I
shall
get
into
a
scrape
.
I
do
n't
often
make
jokes
.
April
5.
—
Two
shoulders
of
mutton
arrived
,
Carrie
having
arranged
with
another
butcher
without
consulting
me
.
Gowing
called
,
and
fell
over
scraper
coming
in
.
Must
get
that
scraper
removed
.
April
6.
—
Eggs
for
breakfast
simply
shocking
;
sent
them
back
to
Borset
with
my
compliments
,
and
he
need
n't
call
any
more
for
orders
.
Could
n't
find
umbrella
,
and
though
it
was
pouring
with
rain
,
had
to
go
without
it
.
Sarah
said
Mr.
Gowing
must
have
took
it
by
mistake
last
night
,
as
there
was
a
stick
in
the
'
all
that
did
n't
belong
to
nobody
.
In
the
evening
,
hearing
someone
talking
in
a
loud
voice
to
the
servant
in
the
downstairs
hall
,
I
went
out
to
see
who
it
was
,
and
was
surprised
to
find
it
was
Borset
,
the
butterman
,
who
was
both
drunk
and
offensive
.
Borset
,
on
seeing
me
,
said
he
would
be
hanged
if
he
would
ever
serve
City
clerks
any
more
—
the
game
was
n't
worth
the
candle
.
I
restrained
my
feelings
,
and
quietly
remarked
that
I
thought
it
was
possible
for
a
City
clerk
to
be
a
gentleman
.
He
replied
he
was
very
glad
to
hear
it
,
and
wanted
to
know
whether
I
had
ever
come
across
one
,
for
he
had
n't
.
He
left
the
house
,
slamming
the
door
after
him
,
which
nearly
broke
the
fanlight
;
and
I
heard
him
fall
over
the
scraper
,
which
made
me
feel
glad
I
had
n't
removed
it
.
When
he
had
gone
,
I
thought
of
a
splendid
answer
I
ought
to
have
given
him
.
However
,
I
will
keep
it
for
another
occasion
.
April
7.
—
Being
Saturday
,
I
looked
forward
to
being
home
early
,
and
putting
a
few
things
straight
;
but
two
of
our
principals
at
the
office
were
absent
through
illness
,
and
I
did
not
get
home
till
seven
.
Found
Borset
waiting
.
He
had
been
three
times
during
the
day
to
apologise
for
his
conduct
last
night
.
He
said
he
was
unable
to
take
his
Bank
Holiday
last
Monday
,
and
took
it
last
night
instead
.
He
begged
me
to
accept
his
apology
,
and
a
pound
of
fresh
butter
.
He
seems
,
after
all
,
a
decent
sort
of
fellow
;
so
I
gave
him
an
order
for
some
fresh
eggs
,
with
a
request
that
on
this
occasion
they
should
be
fresh
.
I
am
afraid
we
shall
have
to
get
some
new
stair-carpets
after
all
;
our
old
ones
are
not
quite
wide
enough
to
meet
the
paint
on
either
side
.
Carrie
suggests
that
we
might
ourselves
broaden
the
paint
.
I
will
see
if
we
can
match
the
colour
(
dark
chocolate
)
on
Monday
.
April
8
,
Sunday
.
—
After
Church
,
the
Curate
came
back
with
us
.
I
sent
Carrie
in
to
open
front
door
,
which
we
do
not
use
except
on
special
occasions
.
She
could
not
get
it
open
,
and
after
all
my
display
,
I
had
to
take
the
Curate
(
whose
name
,
by-the-by
,
I
did
not
catch
)
round
the
side
entrance
.
He
caught
his
foot
in
the
scraper
,
and
tore
the
bottom
of
his
trousers
.
Most
annoying
,
as
Carrie
could
not
well
offer
to
repair
them
on
a
Sunday
.
After
dinner
,
went
to
sleep
.
Took
a
walk
round
the
garden
,
and
discovered
a
beautiful
spot
for
sowing
mustard-and-cress
and
radishes
.
Went
to
Church
again
in
the
evening
:
walked
back
with
the
Curate
.
Carrie
noticed
he
had
got
on
the
same
pair
of
trousers
,
only
repaired
.
He
wants
me
to
take
round
the
plate
,
which
I
think
a
great
compliment
.
CHAPTER
II
.
Tradesmen
and
the
scraper
still
troublesome
.
Gowing
rather
tiresome
with
his
complaints
of
the
paint
.
I
make
one
of
the
best
jokes
of
my
life
.
Delights
of
gardening
.
Mr.
Stillbrook
,
Gowing
,
Cummings
,
and
I
have
a
little
misunder­standing
.
Sarah
makes
me
look
a
fool
before
Cummings
.
April
9
—
Commenced
the
morning
badly
.
The
butcher
,
whom
we
decided
not
to
arrange
with
,
called
and
blackguarded
me
in
the
most
uncalled-for
manner
.
He
began
by
abusing
me
,
and
saying
he
did
not
want
my
custom
.
I
simply
said
:
"
Then
what
are
you
making
all
this
fuss
about
it
for
?
"
And
he
shouted
out
at
the
top
of
his
voice
,
so
that
all
the
neighbours
could
hear
:
"
Pah
!
go
along
.
Ugh
!
I
could
buy
up
'
things
'
like
you
by
the
dozen
!
"
I
shut
the
door
,
and
was
giving
Carrie
to
understand
that
this
disgraceful
scene
was
entirely
her
fault
,
when
there
was
a
violent
kicking
at
the
door
,
enough
to
break
the
panels
.
It
was
the
blackguard
butcher
again
,
who
said
he
had
cut
his
foot
over
the
scraper
,
and
would
immediately
bring
an
action
against
me
.
Called
at
Farmerson
's
,
the
ironmonger
,
on
my
way
to
town
,
and
gave
him
the
job
of
moving
the
scraper
and
repairing
the
bells
,
thinking
it
scarcely
worth
while
to
trouble
the
landlord
with
such
a
trifling
matter
.
Arrived
home
tired
and
worried
.
Mr.
Putley
,
a
painter
and
decorator
,
who
had
sent
in
a
card
,
said
he
could
not
match
the
colour
on
the
stairs
,
as
it
contained
Indian
carmine
.
He
said
he
spent
half-a-day
calling
at
warehouses
to
see
if
he
could
get
it
.
He
suggested
he
should
entirely
re-paint
the
stairs
.
It
would
cost
very
little
more
;
and
if
he
tried
to
match
it
,
he
could
only
make
a
bad
job
of
it
.
It
would
be
more
satisfactory
to
him
and
to
us
to
have
the
work
done
properly
.
I
consented
,
but
felt
I
had
been
talked
over
.
Planted
some
mustard-and-cress
and
radishes
,
and
went
to
bed
at
nine
.
April
10.
—
Farmerson
came
round
to
attend
to
the
scraper
himself
.
He
seems
a
very
civil
fellow
.
He
says
he
does
not
usually
conduct
such
small
jobs
personally
,
but
for
me
he
would
do
so
.
I
thanked
him
,
and
went
to
town
.
It
is
disgraceful
how
late
some
of
the
young
clerks
are
at
arriving
.
I
told
three
of
them
that
if
Mr.
Perkupp
,
the
principal
,
heard
of
it
,
they
might
be
discharged
.
Pitt
,
a
monkey
of
seventeen
,
who
has
only
been
with
us
six
weeks
,
told
me
"
to
keep
my
hair
on
!
"
I
informed
him
I
had
had
the
honour
of
being
in
the
firm
twenty
years
,
to
which
he
insolently
replied
that
I
"
looked
it
.
"
I
gave
him
an
indignant
look
,
and
said
:
"
I
demand
from
you
some
respect
,
sir
.
"
He
replied
:
"
All
right
,
go
on
demanding
.
"
I
would
not
argue
with
him
any
further
.
You
cannot
argue
with
people
like
that
.
In
the
evening
Gowing
called
,
and
repeated
his
complaint
about
the
smell
of
paint
.
Gowing
is
sometimes
very
tedious
with
his
remarks
,
and
not
always
cautious
;
and
Carrie
once
very
properly
reminded
him
that
she
was
present
.
April
11.
—
Mustard-and-cress
and
radishes
not
come
up
yet
.
To-day
was
a
day
of
annoyances
.
I
missed
the
quarter-to-nine
'
bus
to
the
City
,
through
having
words
with
the
grocer
's
boy
,
who
for
the
second
time
had
the
impertinence
to
bring
his
basket
to
the
hall-door
,
and
had
left
the
marks
of
his
dirty
boots
on
the
fresh-cleaned
door-steps
.
He
said
he
had
knocked
at
the
side-door
with
his
knuckles
for
a
quarter
of
an
hour
.
I
knew
Sarah
,
our
servant
,
could
not
hear
this
,
as
she
was
upstairs
doing
the
bedrooms
,
so
asked
the
boy
why
he
did
not
ring
the
bell
?
He
replied
that
he
did
pull
the
bell
,
but
the
handle
came
off
in
his
hand
.
I
was
half-an-hour
late
at
the
office
,
a
thing
that
has
never
happened
to
me
before
.
There
has
recently
been
much
irregularity
in
the
attendance
of
the
clerks
,
and
Mr.
Perkupp
,
our
principal
,
unfortunately
chose
this
very
morning
to
pounce
down
upon
us
early
.
Someone
had
given
the
tip
to
the
others
.
The
result
was
that
I
was
the
only
one
late
of
the
lot
.
Buckling
,
one
of
the
senior
clerks
,
was
a
brick
,
and
I
was
saved
by
his
intervention
.
As
I
passed
by
Pitt
's
desk
,
I
heard
him
remark
to
his
neighbour
:
"
How
disgracefully
late
some
of
the
head
clerks
arrive
?
"
This
was
,
of
course
,
meant
for
me
.
I
treated
the
observation
with
silence
,
simply
giving
him
a
look
,
which
unfortunately
had
the
effect
of
making
both
of
the
clerks
laugh
.
Thought
afterwards
it
would
have
been
more
dignified
if
I
had
pretended
not
to
have
heard
him
at
all
.
Cummings
called
in
the
evening
,
and
we
played
dominoes
.
April
12.
—
Mustard-and-cress
and
radishes
not
come
up
yet
.
Left
Farmerson
repairing
the
scraper
,
but
when
I
came
home
found
three
men
working
.
I
asked
the
meaning
of
it
,
and
Farmerson
said
that
in
making
a
fresh
hole
he
had
penetrated
the
gas-pipe
.
He
said
it
was
a
most
ridiculous
place
to
put
the
gas-pipe
,
and
the
man
who
did
it
evidently
knew
nothing
about
his
business
.
I
felt
his
excuse
was
no
consolation
for
the
expense
I
shall
be
put
to
.
In
the
evening
,
after
tea
,
Gowing
dropped
in
,
and
we
had
a
smoke
together
in
the
breakfast-parlour
.
Carrie
joined
us
later
,
but
did
not
stay
long
,
saying
the
smoke
was
too
much
for
her
.
It
was
also
rather
too
much
for
me
;
for
Gowing
had
given
me
what
he
called
a
green
cigar
,
one
that
his
friend
Shoemach
had
just
brought
over
from
America
.
The
cigar
did
n't
look
green
,
but
I
fancy
I
must
have
done
so
;
for
when
I
had
smoked
a
little
more
than
half
,
I
was
obliged
to
retire
on
the
pretext
of
telling
Sarah
to
bring
in
the
glasses
.
I
took
a
walk
round
the
garden
three
or
four
times
,
feeling
the
need
of
fresh
air
.
On
returning
Gowing
noticed
I
was
not
smoking
:
offered
me
another
cigar
,
which
I
politely
declined
.
Gowing
began
his
usual
sniffing
,
so
,
anticipating
him
,
I
said
:
"
You
're
not
going
to
complain
of
the
smell
of
paint
again
?
"
He
said
:
"
No
,
not
this
time
;
but
I
'll
tell
you
what
,
I
distinctly
smell
dry
rot
.
"
I
do
n't
often
make
jokes
,
but
I
replied
:
"
You
're
talking
a
lot
of
dry
rot
yourself
.
"
I
could
not
help
roaring
at
this
,
and
Carrie
said
her
sides
quite
ached
with
laughter
.
I
never
was
so
immensely
tickled
by
anything
I
have
ever
said
before
.
I
actually
woke
up
twice
during
the
night
,
and
laughed
till
the
bed
shook
.
April
13.
—
An
extraordinary
coincidence
:
Carry
had
called
in
a
woman
to
make
some
chintz
covers
for
our
drawing-room
chairs
and
sofa
to
prevent
the
sun
fading
the
green
rep
of
the
furniture
.
I
saw
the
woman
,
and
recognised
her
as
a
woman
who
used
to
work
years
ago
for
my
old
aunt
at
Clapham
.
It
only
shows
how
small
the
world
is
.
April
14.
—
Spent
the
whole
of
the
afternoon
in
the
garden
,
having
this
morning
picked
up
at
a
bookstall
for
fivepence
a
capital
little
book
,
in
good
condition
,
on
Gardening
.
I
procured
and
sowed
some
half-hardy
annuals
in
what
I
fancy
will
be
a
warm
,
sunny
border
.
I
thought
of
a
joke
,
and
called
out
Carrie
.
Carrie
came
out
rather
testy
,
I
thought
.
I
said
:
"
I
have
just
discovered
we
have
got
a
lodging-house
.
"
She
replied
:
"
How
do
you
mean
?
"
I
said
:
"
Look
at
the
boarders
.
"
Carrie
said
:
"
Is
that
all
you
wanted
me
for
?
"
I
said
:
"
Any
other
time
you
would
have
laughed
at
my
little
pleasantry
.
"
Carrie
said
:
"
Certainly-
at
any
other
time
,
but
not
when
I
am
busy
in
the
house
.
"
The
stairs
looked
very
nice
.
Gowing
called
,
and
said
the
stairs
looked
all
right
,
but
it
made
the
banisters
look
all
wrong
,
and
suggested
a
coat
of
paint
on
them
also
,
which
Carrie
quite
agreed
with
.
I
walked
round
to
Putley
,
and
fortunately
he
was
out
;
so
I
had
a
good
excuse
to
let
the
banisters
slide
.
By-the-by
,
that
is
rather
funny
.
April
15
,
Sunday
.
—
At
three
o'clock
Cummings
and
Gowing
called
for
a
good
long
walk
over
Hampstead
and
Finchley
,
and
brought
with
them
a
friend
named
Stillbrook
.
We
walked
and
chatted
together
,
except
Stillbrook
,
who
was
always
a
few
yards
behind
us
staring
at
the
ground
and
cutting
at
the
grass
with
his
stick
.
As
it
was
getting
on
for
five
,
we
four
held
a
consultation
,
and
Gowing
suggested
that
we
should
make
for
"
The
Cow
and
Hedge
"
and
get
some
tea
.
Stillbrook
said
:
"
A
brandy-and-soda
was
good
enough
for
him
.
"
I
reminded
them
that
all
public-houses
were
closed
till
six
o'clock
.
Stillbrook
said
:
"
That
's
all
right
—
bonâ
fide
travellers
.
"
We
arrived
;
and
as
I
was
trying
to
pass
,
the
man
in
charge
of
the
gate
said
:
"
Where
from
?
"
I
replied
:
"
Holloway
.
"
He
immediately
put
up
his
arm
,
and
declined
to
let
me
pass
.
I
turned
back
for
a
moment
,
when
I
saw
Stillbrook
,
closely
followed
by
Cummings
and
Gowing
,
make
for
the
entrance
.
I
watched
them
,
and
thought
I
would
have
a
good
laugh
at
their
expense
.
I
heard
the
porter
say
:
"
Where
from
?
"
When
,
to
my
surprise
,
in
fact
disgust
,
Stillbrook
replied
:
"
Blackheath
,
"
and
the
three
were
immediately
admitted
.
Gowing
called
to
me
across
the
gate
,
and
said
:
"
We
sha
n't
be
a
minute
.
"
I
waited
for
them
the
best
part
of
an
hour
.
When
they
appeared
they
were
all
in
most
excellent
spirits
,
and
the
only
one
who
made
an
effort
to
apologise
was
Mr.
Stillbrook
,
who
said
to
me
:
"
It
was
very
rough
on
you
to
be
kept
waiting
,
but
we
had
another
spin
for
S.
and
B.
's
.
"
I
walked
home
in
silence
;
I
could
n't
speak
to
them
.
I
felt
very
dull
all
the
evening
,
but
deemed
it
advisable
not
to
say
anything
to
Carrie
about
the
matter
.
April
16.
—
After
business
,
set
to
work
in
the
garden
.
When
it
got
dark
I
wrote
to
Cummings
and
Gowing
(
who
neither
called
,
for
a
wonder
;
perhaps
they
were
ashamed
of
themselves
)
about
yesterday
's
adventure
at
"
The
Cow
and
Hedge
.
"
Afterwards
made
up
my
mind
not
to
write
yet
.
April
17.
—
Thought
I
would
write
a
kind
little
note
to
Gowing
and
Cummings
about
last
Sunday
,
and
warning
them
against
Mr.
Stillbrook
.
Afterwards
,
thinking
the
matter
over
,
tore
up
the
letters
,
and
determined
not
to
write
at
all
,
but
to
speak
quietly
to
them
.
Dumbfounded
at
receiving
a
sharp
letter
from
Cummings
,
saying
that
both
he
and
Gowing
had
been
waiting
for
an
explanation
of
my
(
mind
you
,
MY
)
extraordinary
conduct
coming
home
on
Sunday
.
At
last
I
wrote
:
"
I
thought
I
was
the
aggrieved
party
;
but
as
I
freely
forgive
you
,
you
—
feeling
yourself
aggrieved
—
should
bestow
forgiveness
on
me
.
"
I
have
copied
this
verbatim
in
the
diary
,
because
I
think
it
is
one
of
the
most
perfect
and
thoughtful
sentences
I
have
ever
written
.
I
posted
the
letter
,
but
in
my
own
heart
I
felt
I
was
actually
apologising
for
having
been
insulted
.
April
18.
—
Am
in
for
a
cold
.
Spent
the
whole
day
at
the
office
sneezing
.
In
the
evening
,
the
cold
being
intolerable
,
sent
Sarah
out
for
a
bottle
of
Kinahan
.
Fell
asleep
in
the
arm-chair
,
and
woke
with
the
shivers
.
Was
startled
by
a
loud
knock
at
the
front-door
.
Carrie
awfully
flurried
.
Sarah
still
out
,
so
went
up
,
opened
the
door
,
and
found
it
was
only
Cummings
.
Remembered
the
grocer
's
boy
had
again
broken
the
side-bell
.
Cummings
squeezed
my
hand
,
and
said
:
"
I
've
just
seen
Gowing
.
All
right
.
Say
no
more
about
it
.
"
There
is
no
doubt
they
are
both
under
the
impression
I
have
apologised
.
While
playing
dominoes
with
Cummings
in
the
parlour
,
he
said
:
"
By-the-by
,
do
you
want
any
wine
or
spirits
?
My
cousin
Merton
has
just
set
up
in
the
trade
,
and
has
a
splendid
whisky
,
four
years
in
bottle
,
at
thirty-eight
shillings
.
It
is
worth
your
while
laying
down
a
few
dozen
of
it
.
"
I
told
him
my
cellars
,
which
were
very
small
,
were
full
up
.
To
my
horror
,
at
that
very
moment
,
Sarah
entered
the
room
,
and
putting
a
bottle
of
whisky
,
wrapped
in
a
dirty
piece
of
newspaper
,
on
the
table
in
front
of
us
,
said
:
"
Please
,
sir
,
the
grocer
says
he
ai
n't
got
no
more
Kinahan
,
but
you
'll
find
this
very
good
at
two-and-six
,
with
twopence
returned
on
the
bottle
;
and
,
please
,
did
you
want
any
more
sherry
?
as
he
has
some
at
one-and-three
,
as
dry
as
a
nut
!
"
CHAPTER
III
.
A
conversation
with
Mr.
Merton
on
Society
.
Mr.
and
Mrs.
James
,
of
Sutton
,
come
up
.
A
miserable
evening
at
the
Tank
Theatre
.
Experiments
with
enamel
paint
.
I
make
another
good
joke
;
but
Gowing
and
Cummings
are
unnecessarily
offended
.
I
paint
the
bath
red
,
with
unexpected
result
.
April
19
—
Cummings
called
,
bringing
with
him
his
friend
Merton
,
who
is
in
the
wine
trade
.
Gowing
also
called
.
Mr.
Merton
made
himself
at
home
at
once
,
and
Carrie
and
I
were
both
struck
with
him
immediately
,
and
thoroughly
approved
of
his
sentiments
.
He
leaned
back
in
his
chair
and
said
:
"
You
must
take
me
as
I
am
;
"
and
I
replied
:
"
Yes
—
and
you
must
take
us
as
we
are
.
We
're
homely
people
,
we
are
not
swells
.
"
He
answered
:
"
No
,
I
can
see
that
,
"
and
Gowing
roared
with
laughter
;
but
Merton
in
a
most
gentlemanly
manner
said
to
Gowing
,
"
I
do
n't
think
you
quite
understand
me
.
I
intended
to
convey
that
our
charming
host
and
hostess
were
superior
to
the
follies
of
fashion
,
and
preferred
leading
a
simple
and
wholesome
life
to
gadding
about
to
twopenny-halfpenny
tea-drinking
afternoons
,
and
living
above
their
incomes
.
"
I
was
immensely
pleased
with
these
sensible
remarks
of
Merton
's
,
and
concluded
that
subject
by
saying
:
"
No
,
candidly
,
Mr.
Merton
,
we
do
n't
go
into
Society
,
because
we
do
not
care
for
it
;
and
what
with
the
expense
of
cabs
here
and
cabs
there
,
and
white
gloves
and
white
ties
,
etc.
,
it
does
n't
seem
worth
the
money
.
"
Merton
said
in
reference
to
friends
,
"
My
motto
is
'
Few
and
True
;
'
and
,
by
the
way
,
I
also
apply
that
to
wine
,
'
Little
and
Good
.
'
"
Gowing
said
:
"
Yes
,
and
sometimes
'
cheap
and
tasty
,
'
eh
,
old
man
?
"
Merton
still
continuing
,
said
he
should
treat
me
as
a
friend
,
and
put
me
down
for
a
dozen
of
his
"
Lockanbar
"
whisky
,
and
as
I
was
an
old
friend
of
Gowing
,
I
should
have
it
for
36
s.
,
which
was
considerably
under
what
he
paid
for
it
.
He
booked
his
own
order
,
and
further
said
that
at
any
time
I
wanted
any
passes
for
the
theatre
I
was
to
let
him
know
,
as
his
name
stood
good
for
any
theatre
in
London
.
April
20.
—
Carrie
reminded
me
that
as
her
old
school
friend
,
Annie
Fullers
(
now
Mrs.
James
)
,
and
her
husband
had
come
up
from
Sutton
for
a
few
days
,
it
would
look
kind
to
take
them
to
the
theatre
,
and
would
I
drop
a
line
to
Mr.
Merton
asking
him
for
passes
for
four
,
either
for
the
Italian
Opera
,
Haymarket
,
Savoy
,
or
Lyceum
.
I
wrote
Merton
to
that
effect
.
April
21.
—
Got
a
reply
from
Merton
,
saying
he
was
very
busy
,
and
just
at
present
could
n't
manage
passes
for
the
Italian
Opera
,
Haymarket
,
Savoy
,
or
Lyceum
,
but
the
best
thing
going
on
in
London
was
the
Brown
Bushes
,
at
the
Tank
Theatre
,
Islington
,
and
enclosed
seats
for
four
;
also
bill
for
whisky
.
April
23.
—
Mr.
and
Mrs.
James
(
Miss
Fullers
that
was
)
,
came
to
meat
tea
,
and
we
left
directly
after
for
the
Tank
Theatre
.
We
got
a
'
bus
that
took
us
to
King
's
Cross
,
and
then
changed
into
one
that
took
us
to
the
"
Angel
.
"
Mr.
James
each
time
insisting
on
paying
for
all
,
saying
that
I
had
paid
for
the
tickets
and
that
was
quite
enough
.
We
arrived
at
theatre
,
where
,
curiously
enough
,
all
our
'
bus-load
except
an
old
woman
with
a
basket
seemed
to
be
going
in
.
I
walked
ahead
and
presented
the
tickets
.
The
man
looked
at
them
,
and
called
out
"
Mr.
Willowly
!
do
you
know
anything
about
these
?
"
holding
up
my
tickets
.
The
gentleman
called
to
,
came
up
and
examined
my
tickets
,
and
said
:
"
Who
gave
you
these
?
"
I
said
rather
indignantly
:
"
Mr.
Merton
,
of
course
.
"
He
said
:
"
Merton
?
Who
's
he
?
"
I
answered
rather
sharply
,
"
You
ought
to
know
,
his
name
's
good
at
any
theatre
in
London
.
"
He
replied
:
"
Oh
!
is
it
?
Well
,
it
ai
n't
no
good
here
.
These
tickets
which
are
not
dated
,
were
issued
under
Mr.
Swinstead
's
management
,
which
has
since
changed
hands
.
"
While
I
was
having
some
very
unpleasant
words
with
the
man
,
James
,
who
had
gone
upstairs
with
the
ladies
,
called
out
:
"
Come
on
!
"
I
went
up
after
them
,
and
a
very
civil
attendant
said
:
"
This
way
,
please
,
box
H
.
"
I
said
to
James
:
"
Why
,
how
on
earth
did
you
manage
it
?
"
and
to
my
horror
he
replied
:
"
Why
,
paid
for
it
of
course
.
"
This
was
humiliating
enough
,
and
I
could
scarcely
follow
the
play
,
but
I
was
doomed
to
still
further
humiliation
.
I
was
leaning
out
of
the
box
,
when
my
tie
—
a
little
black
bow
which
fastened
on
to
the
stud
by
means
of
a
new
patent
—
fell
into
the
pit
below
.
A
clumsy
man
not
noticing
it
,
had
his
foot
on
it
for
ever
so
long
before
he
discovered
it
.
He
then
picked
it
up
and
eventually
flung
it
under
the
next
seat
in
disgust
.
What
with
the
box
incident
and
the
tie
,
I
felt
quite
miserable
.
Mr.
James
,
of
Sutton
,
was
very
good
.
He
said
:
"
Do
n't
worry
—
no
one
will
notice
it
with
your
beard
.
That
is
the
only
advantage
of
growing
one
that
I
can
see
.
"
There
was
no
occasion
for
that
remark
,
for
Carrie
is
very
proud
of
my
beard
.
To
hide
the
absence
of
the
tie
I
had
to
keep
my
chin
down
the
rest
of
the
evening
,
which
caused
a
pain
at
the
back
of
my
neck
.
April
24.
—
Could
scarcely
sleep
a
wink
through
thinking
of
having
brought
up
Mr.
and
Mrs.
James
from
the
country
to
go
to
the
theatre
last
night
,
and
his
having
paid
for
a
private
box
because
our
order
was
not
honoured
;
and
such
a
poor
play
too
.
I
wrote
a
very
satirical
letter
to
Merton
,
the
wine
merchant
,
who
gave
us
the
pass
,
and
said
,
"
Considering
we
had
to
pay
for
our
seats
,
we
did
our
best
to
appreciate
the
performance
.
"
I
thought
this
line
rather
cutting
,
and
I
asked
Carrie
how
many
p
's
there
were
in
appreciate
,
and
she
said
,
"
One
.
"
After
I
sent
off
the
letter
I
looked
at
the
dictionary
and
found
there
were
two
.
Awfully
vexed
at
this
.
Decided
not
to
worry
myself
any
more
about
the
James
's
;
for
,
as
Carrie
wisely
said
,
"
We
'll
make
it
all
right
with
them
by
asking
them
up
from
Sutton
one
evening
next
week
,
to
play
at
Bézique
.
"
April
25.
—
In
consequence
of
Brickwell
telling
me
his
wife
was
working
wonders
with
the
new
Pinkford
's
enamel
paint
,
I
determined
to
try
it
.
I
bought
two
tins
of
red
on
my
way
home
.
I
hastened
through
tea
,
went
into
the
garden
and
painted
some
flower-pots
.
I
called
out
Carrie
,
who
said
:
"
You
've
always
got
some
new-fangled
craze
;
"
but
she
was
obliged
to
admit
that
the
flower-pots
looked
remarkably
well
.
Went
upstairs
into
the
servant
's
bedroom
and
painted
her
washstand
,
towel-horse
,
and
chest
of
drawers
.
To
my
mind
it
was
an
extraordinary
improvement
,
but
as
an
example
of
the
ignorance
of
the
lower
classes
in
the
matter
of
taste
,
our
servant
Sarah
,
on
seeing
them
,
evinced
no
sign
of
pleasure
,
but
merely
said
:
"
she
thought
they
looked
very
well
as
they
was
before
.
"
April
26.
—
Got
some
more
red
enamel
paint
(
red
,
to
my
mind
,
being
the
best
colour
)
,
and
painted
the
coal-scuttle
,
and
the
backs
of
our
Shakspeare
,
the
binding
of
which
had
almost
worn
out
.
April
27.
—
Painted
the
bath
red
,
and
was
delighted
with
the
result
.
Sorry
to
say
Carrie
was
not
,
in
fact
we
had
a
few
words
about
it
.
She
said
I
ought
to
have
consulted
her
,
and
she
had
never
heard
of
such
a
thing
as
a
bath
being
painted
red
.
I
replied
:
"
It
's
merely
a
matter
of
taste
.
"
Fortunately
,
further
argument
on
the
subject
was
stopped
by
a
voice
saying
,
"
May
I
come
in
?
"
It
was
only
Cummings
,
who
said
,
"
Your
maid
opened
the
door
,
and
asked
me
to
excuse
her
showing
me
in
,
as
she
was
wringing
out
some
socks
.
"
I
was
delighted
to
see
him
,
and
suggested
we
should
have
a
game
of
whist
with
a
dummy
,
and
by
way
of
merriment
said
:
"
You
can
be
the
dummy
.
"
Cummings
(
I
thought
rather
ill-naturedly
)
replied
:
"
Funny
as
usual
.
"
He
said
he
could
n't
stop
,
he
only
called
to
leave
me
the
Bicycle
News
,
as
he
had
done
with
it
.
Another
ring
at
the
bell
;
it
was
Gowing
,
who
said
"
he
must
apologise
for
coming
so
often
,
and
that
one
of
these
days
we
must
come
round
to
him
.
"
I
said
:
"
A
very
extraordinary
thing
has
struck
me
.
"
"
Something
funny
,
as
usual
,
"
said
Cummings
.
"
Yes
,
"
I
replied
;
"
I
think
even
you
will
say
so
this
time
.
It
's
concerning
you
both
;
for
does
n't
it
seem
odd
that
Gowing
's
always
coming
,
and
Cumming
's
always
going
?
"
Carrie
,
who
had
evidently
quite
forgotten
about
the
bath
,
went
into
fits
of
laughter
,
and
as
for
myself
,
I
fairly
doubled
up
in
my
chair
,
till
it
cracked
beneath
me
.
I
think
this
was
one
of
the
best
jokes
I
have
ever
made
.
Then
imagine
my
astonishment
on
perceiving
both
Cummings
and
Gowing
perfectly
silent
,
and
without
a
smile
on
their
faces
.
After
rather
an
unpleasant
pause
,
Cummings
,
who
had
opened
a
cigar-case
,
closed
it
up
again
and
said
:
"
Yes
—
I
think
,
after
that
,
I
shall
be
going
,
and
I
am
sorry
I
fail
to
see
the
fun
of
your
jokes
.
"
Gowing
said
he
did
n't
mind
a
joke
when
it
was
n't
rude
,
but
a
pun
on
a
name
,
to
his
thinking
,
was
certainly
a
little
wanting
in
good
taste
.
Cummings
followed
it
up
by
saying
,
if
it
had
been
said
by
any
one
else
but
myself
,
he
should
n't
have
entered
the
house
again
.
This
rather
unpleasantly
terminated
what
might
have
been
a
cheerful
evening
.
However
,
it
was
as
well
they
went
,
for
the
charwoman
had
finished
up
the
remains
of
the
cold
pork
.
April
28.
—
At
the
office
,
the
new
and
very
young
clerk
Pitt
,
who
was
very
impudent
to
me
a
week
or
so
ago
,
was
late
again
.
I
told
him
it
would
be
my
duty
to
inform
Mr.
Perkupp
,
the
principal
.
To
my
surprise
Pitt
apologised
most
humbly
and
in
a
most
gentlemanly
fashion
.
I
was
unfeignedly
pleased
to
notice
this
improvement
in
his
manner
towards
me
,
and
told
him
I
would
look
over
his
unpunctuality
.
Passing
down
the
room
an
hour
later
,
I
received
a
smart
smack
in
the
face
from
a
rolled-up
ball
of
hard
foolscap
.
I
turned
round
sharply
,
but
all
the
clerks
were
apparently
riveted
to
their
work
.
I
am
not
a
rich
man
,
but
I
would
give
half-a-sovereign
to
know
whether
that
was
thrown
by
accident
or
design
.
Went
home
early
and
bought
some
more
enamel
paint-black
this
time
—
and
spent
the
evening
touching
up
the
fender
,
picture-frames
,
and
an
old
pair
of
boots
,
making
them
look
as
good
as
new
.
Also
painted
Gowing
's
walking-stick
,
which
he
left
behind
,
and
made
it
look
like
ebony
.
April
29
,
Sunday
.
—
Woke
up
with
a
fearful
headache
and
strong
symptoms
of
a
cold
.
Carrie
,
with
a
perversity
which
is
just
like
her
,
said
it
was
"
painter
's
colic
,
"
and
was
the
result
of
my
having
spent
the
last
few
days
with
my
nose
over
a
paint-pot
.
I
told
her
firmly
that
I
knew
a
great
deal
better
what
was
the
matter
with
me
than
she
did
.
I
had
got
a
chill
,
and
decided
to
have
a
bath
as
hot
as
I
could
bear
it
.
Bath
ready
—
could
scarcely
bear
it
so
hot
.
I
persevered
,
and
got
in
;
very
hot
,
but
very
acceptable
.
I
lay
still
for
some
time
.
On
moving
my
hand
above
the
surface
of
the
water
,
I
experienced
the
greatest
fright
I
ever
received
in
the
whole
course
of
my
life
;
for
imagine
my
horror
on
discovering
my
hand
,
as
I
thought
,
full
of
blood
.
My
first
thought
was
that
I
had
ruptured
an
artery
,
and
was
bleeding
to
death
,
and
should
be
discovered
,
later
on
,
looking
like
a
second
Marat
,
as
I
remember
seeing
him
in
Madame
Tussaud
's
.
My
second
thought
was
to
ring
the
bell
,
but
remembered
there
was
no
bell
to
ring
.
My
third
was
,
that
there
was
nothing
but
the
enamel
paint
,
which
had
dissolved
with
boiling
water
.
I
stepped
out
of
the
bath
,
perfectly
red
all
over
,
resembling
the
Red
Indians
I
have
seen
depicted
at
an
East-End
theatre
.
I
determined
not
to
say
a
word
to
Carrie
,
but
to
tell
Farmerson
to
come
on
Monday
and
paint
the
bath
white
.
CHAPTER
IV
.
The
Ball
at
the
Mansion
House
.
April
30
—
Perfectly
astounded
at
receiving
an
invitation
for
Carrie
and
myself
from
the
Lord
and
Lady
Mayoress
to
the
Mansion
House
,
to
"
meet
the
Represen­tatives
of
Trades
and
Commerce
.
"
My
heart
beat
like
that
of
a
schoolboy
's
.
Carrie
and
I
read
the
invitation
over
two
or
three
times
.
I
could
scarcely
eat
my
breakfast
.
I
said
—
and
I
felt
it
from
the
bottom
of
my
heart
,
—
"
Carrie
darling
,
I
was
a
proud
man
when
I
led
you
down
the
aisle
of
the
church
on
our
wedding-day
;
that
pride
will
be
equalled
,
if
not
surpassed
,
when
I
lead
my
dear
,
pretty
wife
up
to
the
Lord
and
Lady
Mayoress
at
the
Mansion
House
.
"
I
saw
the
tears
in
Carrie
's
eyes
,
and
she
said
:
"
Charlie
dear
,
it
is
I
who
have
to
be
proud
of
you
.
And
I
am
very
,
very
proud
of
you
.
You
have
called
me
pretty
;
and
as
long
as
I
am
pretty
in
your
eyes
,
I
am
happy
.
You
,
dear
old
Charlie
,
are
not
handsome
,
but
you
are
good
,
which
is
far
more
noble
.
"
I
gave
her
a
kiss
,
and
she
said
:
"
I
wonder
if
there
will
be
any
dancing
?
I
have
not
danced
with
you
for
years
.
"
I
cannot
tell
what
induced
me
to
do
it
,
but
I
seized
her
round
the
waist
,
and
we
were
silly
enough
to
be
executing
a
wild
kind
of
polka
when
Sarah
entered
,
grinning
,
and
said
:
"
There
is
a
man
,
mum
,
at
the
door
who
wants
to
know
if
you
want
any
good
coals
.
"
Most
annoyed
at
this
.
Spent
the
evening
in
answering
,
and
tearing
up
again
,
the
reply
to
the
Mansion
House
,
having
left
word
with
Sarah
if
Gowing
or
Cummings
called
we
were
not
at
home
.
Must
consult
Mr.
Perkupp
how
to
answer
the
Lord
Mayor
's
invitation
.
May
1.
—
Carrie
said
:
"
I
should
like
to
send
mother
the
invitation
to
look
at
.
"
I
consented
,
as
soon
as
I
had
answered
it
.
I
told
Mr.
Perkupp
,
at
the
office
,
with
a
feeling
of
pride
,
that
we
had
received
an
invitation
to
the
Mansion
House
;
and
he
said
,
to
my
astonishment
,
that
he
himself
gave
in
my
name
to
the
Lord
Mayor
's
secretary
.
I
felt
this
rather
discounted
the
value
of
the
invitation
,
but
I
thanked
him
;
and
in
reply
to
me
,
he
described
how
I
was
to
answer
it
.
I
felt
the
reply
was
too
simple
;
but
of
course
Mr.
Perkupp
knows
best
.
May
2.
—
Sent
my
dress-coat
and
trousers
to
the
little
tailor
's
round
the
corner
,
to
have
the
creases
taken
out
.
Told
Gowing
not
to
call
next
Monday
,
as
we
were
going
to
the
Mansion
House
.
Sent
similar
note
to
Cummings
.
May
3.
—
Carrie
went
to
Mrs.
James
,
at
Sutton
,
to
consult
about
her
dress
for
next
Monday
.
While
speaking
incidentally
to
Spotch
,
one
of
our
head
clerks
,
about
the
Mansion
House
,
he
said
:
"
Oh
,
I
'm
asked
,
but
do
n't
think
I
shall
go
.
"
When
a
vulgar
man
like
Spotch
is
asked
,
I
feel
my
invitation
is
considerably
discounted
.
In
the
evening
,
while
I
was
out
,
the
little
tailor
brought
round
my
coat
and
trousers
,
and
because
Sarah
had
not
a
shilling
to
pay
for
the
pressing
,
he
took
them
away
again
.
May
4.
—
Carrie
's
mother
returned
the
Lord
Mayor
's
invitation
,
which
was
sent
to
her
to
look
at
,
with
apologies
for
having
upset
a
glass
of
port
over
it
.
I
was
too
angry
to
say
anything
.
May
5.
—
Bought
a
pair
of
lavender
kid-gloves
for
next
Monday
,
and
two
white
ties
,
in
case
one
got
spoiled
in
the
tying
.
May
6
,
Sunday
.
—
A
very
dull
sermon
,
during
which
,
I
regret
to
say
,
I
twice
thought
of
the
Mansion
House
reception
to-morrow
.
May
7.
—
A
big
red-letter
day
;
viz.
,
the
Lord
Mayor
's
reception
.
The
whole
house
upset
.
I
had
to
get
dressed
at
half-past
six
,
as
Carrie
wanted
the
room
to
herself
.
Mrs.
James
had
come
up
from
Sutton
to
help
Carrie
;
so
I
could
not
help
thinking
it
unreasonable
that
she
should
require
the
entire
attention
of
Sarah
,
the
servant
,
as
well
.
Sarah
kept
running
out
of
the
house
to
fetch
"
something
for
missis
,
"
and
several
times
I
had
,
in
my
full
evening-dress
,
to
answer
the
back-door
.
The
last
time
it
was
the
greengrocer
's
boy
,
who
,
not
seeing
it
was
me
,
for
Sarah
had
not
lighted
the
gas
,
pushed
into
my
hands
two
cabbages
and
half-a-dozen
coal-blocks
.
I
indignantly
threw
them
on
the
ground
,
and
felt
so
annoyed
that
I
so
far
forgot
myself
as
to
box
the
boy
's
ears
.
He
went
away
crying
,
and
said
he
should
summons
me
,
a
thing
I
would
not
have
happen
for
the
world
.
In
the
dark
,
I
stepped
on
a
piece
of
the
cabbage
,
which
brought
me
down
on
the
flags
all
of
a
heap
.
For
a
moment
I
was
stunned
,
but
when
I
recovered
I
crawled
upstairs
into
the
drawing-room
,
and
on
looking
into
the
chimney-glass
discovered
that
my
chin
was
bleeding
,
my
shirt
smeared
with
the
coal-blocks
,
and
my
left
trouser
torn
at
the
knee
.
However
,
Mrs.
James
brought
me
down
another
shirt
,
which
I
changed
in
the
drawing-room
.
I
put
a
piece
of
court-plaister
on
my
chin
,
and
Sarah
very
neatly
sewed
up
the
tear
at
the
knee
.
At
nine
o'clock
Carrie
swept
into
the
room
,
looking
like
a
queen
.
Never
have
I
seen
her
look
so
lovely
,
or
so
distinguished
.
She
was
wearing
a
satin
dress
of
sky-blue
—
my
favourite
colour
—
and
a
piece
of
lace
,
which
Mrs.
James
lent
her
,
round
the
shoulders
,
to
give
a
finish
.
I
thought
perhaps
the
dress
was
a
little
too
long
behind
,
and
decidedly
too
short
in
front
,
but
Mrs.
James
said
it
was
à
la
mode
.
Mrs.
James
was
most
kind
,
and
lent
Carrie
a
fan
of
ivory
with
red
feathers
,
the
value
of
which
,
she
said
,
was
priceless
,
as
the
feathers
belonged
to
the
Kachu
eagle
—
a
bird
now
extinct
.
I
preferred
the
little
white
fan
which
Carrie
bought
for
three-and-six
at
Shoolbred
's
,
but
both
ladies
sat
on
me
at
once
.
We
arrived
at
the
Mansion
House
too
early
,
which
was
rather
fortunate
,
for
I
had
an
opportunity
of
speaking
to
his
lordship
,
who
graciously
condescended
to
talk
with
me
some
minutes
;
but
I
must
say
I
was
disappointed
to
find
he
did
not
even
know
Mr.
Perkupp
,
our
principal
.
I
felt
as
if
we
had
been
invited
to
the
Mansion
House
by
one
who
did
not
know
the
Lord
Mayor
himself
.
Crowds
arrived
,
and
I
shall
never
forget
the
grand
sight
.
My
humble
pen
can
never
describe
it
.
I
was
a
little
annoyed
with
Carrie
,
who
kept
saying
:
"
Is
n't
it
a
pity
we
do
n't
know
anybody
?
"
Once
she
quite
lost
her
head
.
I
saw
someone
who
looked
like
Franching
,
from
Peckham
,
and
was
moving
towards
him
when
she
seized
me
by
the
coat-tails
,
and
said
,
quite
loudly
:
"
Do
n't
leave
me
,
"
which
caused
an
elderly
gentleman
,
in
a
court-suit
,
and
a
chain
round
him
,
and
two
ladies
,
to
burst
out
laughing
.
There
was
an
immense
crowd
in
the
supper-room
,
and
,
my
stars
!
it
was
a
splendid
supper
—
any
amount
of
champagne
.
Carrie
made
a
most
hearty
supper
,
for
which
I
was
pleased
;
for
I
sometimes
think
she
is
not
strong
.
There
was
scarcely
a
dish
she
did
not
taste
.
I
was
so
thirsty
,
I
could
not
eat
much
.
Receiving
a
sharp
slap
on
the
shoulder
,
I
turned
,
and
,
to
my
amazement
,
saw
Farmerson
,
our
ironmonger
.
He
said
,
in
the
most
familiar
way
:
"
This
is
better
than
Brickfield
Terrace
,
eh
?
"
I
simply
looked
at
him
,
and
said
coolly
:
"
I
never
expected
to
see
you
here
.
"
He
said
,
with
a
loud
,
coarse
laugh
:
"
I
like
that
—
if
you
,
why
not
me
?
"
I
replied
:
"
Certainly
.
"
I
wish
I
could
have
thought
of
something
better
to
say
.
He
said
:
"
Can
I
get
your
good
lady
anything
?
"
Carrie
said
:
"
No
,
I
thank
you
,
"
for
which
I
was
pleased
.
I
said
,
by
way
of
reproof
to
him
:
"
You
never
sent
to-day
to
paint
the
bath
,
as
I
requested
.
"
Farmerson
said
:
"
Pardon
me
,
Mr.
Pooter
,
no
shop
when
we
're
in
company
,
please
.
"
Before
I
could
think
of
a
reply
,
one
of
the
sheriffs
,
in
full
Court
costume
,
slapped
Farmerson
on
the
back
and
hailed
him
as
an
old
friend
,
and
asked
him
to
dine
with
him
at
his
lodge
.
I
was
astonished
.
For
full
five
minutes
they
stood
roaring
with
laughter
,
and
stood
digging
each
other
in
the
ribs
.
They
kept
telling
each
other
they
did
n't
look
a
day
older
.
They
began
embracing
each
other
and
drinking
champagne
.
To
think
that
a
man
who
mends
our
scraper
should
know
any
member
of
our
aristocracy
!
I
was
just
moving
with
Carrie
,
when
Farmerson
seized
me
rather
roughly
by
the
collar
,
and
,
addressing
the
Sheriff
,
said
:
"
Let
me
introduce
my
neighbour
,
Pooter
.
"
He
did
not
even
say
"
Mister
.
"
The
Sheriff
handed
me
a
glass
of
champagne
,
I
felt
,
after
all
,
it
was
a
great
honour
to
drink
a
glass
of
wine
with
him
,
and
I
told
him
so
.
We
stood
chatting
for
some
time
,
and
at
last
I
said
:
"
You
must
excuse
me
now
if
I
join
Mrs.
Pooter
.
"
When
I
approached
her
,
she
said
:
"
Do
n't
let
me
take
you
away
from
friends
.
I
am
quite
happy
standing
here
alone
in
a
crowd
,
knowing
nobody
!
"
As
it
takes
two
to
make
a
quarrel
,
and
as
it
was
neither
the
time
nor
the
place
for
it
,
I
gave
my
arm
to
Carrie
,
and
said
:
"
I
hope
my
darling
little
wife
will
dance
with
me
,
if
only
for
the
sake
of
saying
we
had
danced
at
the
Mansion
House
,
as
guests
of
the
Lord
Mayor
.
"
Finding
the
dancing
after
supper
was
less
formal
,
and
knowing
how
much
Carrie
used
to
admire
my
dancing
in
the
days
gone
by
,
I
put
my
arm
round
her
waist
and
we
commenced
a
waltz
.
A
most
unfortunate
accident
occurred
.
I
had
got
on
a
new
pair
of
boots
.
Foolishly
,
I
had
omitted
to
take
Carrie
's
advice
;
namely
,
to
scratch
the
soles
of
them
with
the
points
of
the
scissors
or
to
put
a
little
wet
on
them
.
I
had
scarcely
started
when
,
like
lightning
,
my
left
foot
slipped
away
and
I
came
down
,
the
side
of
my
head
striking
the
floor
with
such
violence
that
for
a
second
or
two
I
did
not
know
what
had
happened
.
I
need
hardly
say
that
Carrie
fell
with
me
with
equal
violence
,
breaking
the
comb
in
her
hair
and
grazing
her
elbow
.
There
was
a
roar
of
laughter
,
which
was
immediately
checked
when
people
found
that
we
had
really
hurt
ourselves
.
A
gentleman
assisted
Carrie
to
a
seat
,
and
I
expressed
myself
pretty
strongly
on
the
danger
of
having
a
plain
polished
floor
with
no
carpet
or
drugget
to
prevent
people
slipping
.
The
gentleman
,
who
said
his
name
was
Darwitts
,
insisted
on
escorting
Carrie
to
have
a
glass
of
wine
,
an
invitation
which
I
was
pleased
to
allow
Carrie
to
accept
.
I
followed
,
and
met
Farmerson
,
who
immediately
said
,
in
his
loud
voice
:
"
Oh
,
are
you
the
one
who
went
down
?
"
I
answered
with
an
indignant
look
.
With
execrable
taste
,
he
said
:
"
Look
here
,
old
man
,
we
are
too
old
for
this
game
.
We
must
leave
these
capers
to
the
youngsters
.
Come
and
have
another
glass
,
that
is
more
in
our
line
.
"
Although
I
felt
I
was
buying
his
silence
by
accepting
,
we
followed
the
others
into
the
supper-room
.
Neither
Carrie
nor
I
,
after
our
unfortunate
mishap
,
felt
inclined
to
stay
longer
.
As
we
were
departing
,
Farmerson
said
:
"
Are
you
going
?
if
so
,
you
might
give
me
a
lift
.
"
I
thought
it
better
to
consent
,
but
wish
I
had
first
consulted
Carrie
.
CHAPTER
V.
After
the
Mansion
House
Ball
.
Carrie
offended
.
Gowing
also
offended
.
A
pleasant
party
at
the
Cummings
'
.
Mr.
Franching
,
of
Peckham
,
visits
us
.
May
8
—
I
woke
up
with
a
most
terrible
headache
.
I
could
scarcely
see
,
and
the
back
of
my
neck
was
as
if
I
had
given
it
a
crick
.
I
thought
first
of
sending
for
a
doctor
;
but
I
did
not
think
it
necessary
.
When
up
,
I
felt
faint
,
and
went
to
Brownish
's
,
the
chemist
,
who
gave
me
a
draught
.
So
bad
at
the
office
,
had
to
get
leave
to
come
home
.
Went
to
another
chemist
in
the
City
,
and
I
got
a
draught
.
Brownish
's
dose
seems
to
have
made
me
worse
;
have
eaten
nothing
all
day
.
To
make
matters
worse
,
Carrie
,
every
time
I
spoke
to
her
,
answered
me
sharply
—
that
is
,
when
she
answered
at
all
.
In
the
evening
I
felt
very
much
worse
again
and
said
to
her
:
"
I
do
believe
I
've
been
poisoned
by
the
lobster
mayonnaise
at
the
Mansion
House
last
night
;
"
she
simply
replied
,
without
taking
her
eyes
from
her
sewing
:
"
Champagne
never
did
agree
with
you
.
"
I
felt
irritated
,
and
said
:
"
What
nonsense
you
talk
;
I
only
had
a
glass
and
a
half
,
and
you
know
as
well
as
I
do
—
—
"
Before
I
could
complete
the
sentence
she
bounced
out
of
the
room
.
I
sat
over
an
hour
waiting
for
her
to
return
;
but
as
she
did
not
,
I
determined
I
would
go
to
bed
.
I
discovered
Carrie
had
gone
to
bed
without
even
saying
"
good-night
"
;
leaving
me
to
bar
the
scullery
door
and
feed
the
cat
.
I
shall
certainly
speak
to
her
about
this
in
the
morning
.
May
9.
—
Still
a
little
shaky
,
with
black
specs
.
The
Blackfriars
Bi-weekly
News
,
contains
a
long
list
of
the
guests
at
the
Mansion
House
ball
.
Disappointed
to
find
our
names
omitted
,
though
Farmerson
's
is
in
plainly
enough
with
M.L.L.
after
it
,
whatever
that
may
mean
.
More
than
vexed
because
we
had
ordered
a
dozen
copies
to
send
to
our
friends
.
Wrote
to
the
Blackfriars
Bi-weekly
News
,
pointing
out
their
omission
.
Carrie
had
commenced
her
breakfast
when
I
entered
the
parlour
.
I
helped
myself
to
a
cup
of
tea
,
and
I
said
,
perfectly
calmly
and
quietly
:
"
Carrie
,
I
wish
a
little
explanation
of
your
conduct
last
night
.
"
She
replied
,
"
Indeed
!
and
I
desire
something
more
than
a
little
explanation
of
your
conduct
the
night
before
.
"
I
said
,
coolly
:
"
Really
,
I
do
n't
understand
you
.
"
Carrie
said
sneeringly
:
"
Probably
not
;
you
were
scarcely
in
a
condition
to
understand
anything
.
"
I
was
astounded
at
this
insinuation
and
simply
ejaculated
:
"
Caroline
!
"
She
said
:
"
Do
n't
be
theatrical
,
it
has
no
effect
on
me
.
Reserve
that
tone
for
your
new
friend
.
Mister
Farmerson
,
the
ironmonger
.
"
I
was
about
to
speak
,
when
Carrie
,
in
a
temper
such
as
I
have
never
seen
her
in
before
,
told
me
to
hold
my
tongue
.
She
said
:
"
Now
I
'm
going
to
say
something
!
After
professing
to
snub
Mr.
Farmerson
,
you
permit
him
to
snub
you
,
in
my
presence
,
and
then
accept
his
invitation
to
take
a
glass
of
champagne
with
you
,
and
you
do
n't
limit
yourself
to
one
glass
.
You
then
offer
this
vulgar
man
,
who
made
a
bungle
of
repairing
our
scraper
,
a
seat
in
our
cab
on
the
way
home
.
I
say
nothing
about
his
tearing
my
dress
in
getting
in
the
cab
,
nor
of
treading
on
Mrs.
James
's
expensive
fan
,
which
you
knocked
out
of
my
hand
,
and
for
which
he
never
even
apologised
;
but
you
smoked
all
the
way
home
without
having
the
decency
to
ask
my
permission
.
That
is
not
all
!
At
the
end
of
the
journey
,
although
he
did
not
offer
you
a
farthing
towards
his
share
of
the
cab
,
you
asked
him
in
.
Fortunately
,
he
was
sober
enough
to
detect
,
from
my
manner
,
that
his
company
was
not
desirable
.
"
Goodness
knows
I
felt
humiliated
enough
at
this
;
but
,
to
make
matters
worse
,
Gowing
entered
the
room
,
without
knocking
,
with
two
hats
on
his
head
and
holding
the
garden-rake
in
his
hand
,
with
Carrie
's
fur
tippet
(
which
he
had
taken
off
the
downstairs
hall-peg
)
round
his
neck
,
and
announced
himself
in
a
loud
,
coarse
voice
:
"
His
Royal
Highness
,
the
Lord
Mayor
!
"
He
marched
twice
round
the
room
like
a
buffoon
,
and
,
finding
we
took
no
notice
,
said
:
"
Hulloh
!
what
's
up
?
Lovers
'
quarrel
,
eh
?
"
There
was
a
silence
for
a
moment
,
so
I
said
quietly
:
"
My
dear
Gowing
,
I
'm
not
very
well
,
and
not
quite
in
the
humour
for
joking
;
especially
when
you
enter
the
room
without
knocking
,
an
act
which
I
fail
to
see
the
fun
of
.
"
Gowing
said
:
"
I
'm
very
sorry
,
but
I
called
for
my
stick
,
which
I
thought
you
would
have
