meof
his
standards
of
judgment
,
I
use
those
dear
old
mispronunciations
still
.
The
little
splash
into
Latin
made
during
my
days
as
a
chemist
washed
off
nothing
of
the
habit
.
Well
,
—
if
I
met
those
great
gentlemen
of
the
past
with
their
accents
carelessly
adjusted
I
did
at
least
meet
them
alive
,
as
an
equal
,
and
in
a
living
tongue
.
Altogether
my
school
might
easily
have
been
worse
for
me
,
and
among
other
good
things
it
gave
me
a
friend
who
has
lasted
my
life
out
.
This
was
Ewart
,
who
is
now
a
monumental
artist
at
Woking
,
after
many
vicissitudes
.
Dear
chap
,
how
he
did
stick
out
of
his
clothes
to
be
sure
!
He
was
a
longlimbed
lout
,
ridiculously
tall
beside
my
more
youth
full
compactness
,
and
,
except
that
there
was
no
black
moustache
under
his
nose
blob
,
he
had
the
same
round
knobby
face
as
he
has
to-day
,
the
same
bright
and
active
hazel
brown
eyes
,
the
stare
,
the
meditative
moment
,
the
insinuating
reply
.
Surely
no
boy
ever
played
the
fool
as
Bob
Ewart
used
to
play
it
,
no
boy
had
a
readier
knack
of
mantling
the
world
with
wonder
.
Commonness
vanished
before
Ewart
,
at
his
expository
touch
all
things
became
memorable
and
rare
.
From
him
I
first
heard
tell
of
love
,
but
only
after
its
barbs
were
already
sticking
in
my
heart
.
He
was
,
I
know
now
the
bastard
of
that
great
improvident
artist
,
Rickmann
Ewart
;
he
brought
the
light
of
a
lax
world
that
at
least
had
not
turned
its
back
upon
beauty
,
into
the
growing
fermentation
of
my
mind
.
I
won
his
heart
by
a
version
of
Vathek
,
and
after
that
we
were
inseparable
yarning
friends
.
We
merged
our
intellectual
stock
so
completely
that
I
wonder
sometimes
how
much
I
did
not
become
Ewart
,
how
much
Ewart
is
not
vicariously
and
derivatively
me
.
And
then
when
I
had
newly
passed
my
fourteenth
birthday
,
came
my
tragic
disgrace
.
It
was
in
my
midsummer
holidays
that
the
thing
happened
,
and
it
was
through
the
Honourable
Beatrice
Normandy
.
She
had
"
come
into
my
life
,
"
as
they
say
,
before
I
was
twelve
.
She
descended
unexpectedly
into
a
peaceful
interlude
that
followed
the
annual
going
of
those
Three
Great
Women
.
She
came
into
the
old
nursery
upstairs
,
and
every
day
she
had
tea
with
us
in
the
housekeeper
's
room
.
She
was
eight
,
and
she
came
with
a
nurse
called
Nannie
;
and
to
begin
with
,
I
did
not
like
her
at
all
.
Nobody
liked
this
irruption
into
the
downstairs
rooms
;
the
two
"
gave
trouble
,
"
-a
dire
offence
;
Nannie
's
sense
of
duty
to
her
charge
led
to
requests
and
demands
that
took
my
mother
's
breath
away
.
Eggs
at
unusual
times
,
the
reboiling
of
milk
,
the
rejection
of
an
excellent
milk
pudding-not
negotiated
respectfully
but
dictated
as
of
right
.
Nannie
was
a
dark
,
longfeatured
,
taciturn
woman
in
a
grey
dress
;
she
had
a
furtive
inflexibility
of
manner
that
finally
dismayed
and
crushed
and
overcame
.
She
conveyed
she
was
"
under
orders
"
-like
a
Greek
tragedy
.
She
was
that
strange
product
of
the
old
time
,
a
devoted
,
trusted
servant
;
she
had
,
as
it
were
,
banked
all
her
pride
and
will
with
the
greater
,
more
powerful
people
who
employed
her
,
in
return
for
a
life-long
security
of
servitude-the
bargain
was
nonetheless
binding
for
being
implicit
.
Finally
they
were
to
pension
her
,
and
she
would
die
the
hated
treasure
of
a
boarding-house
.
She
had
built
up
in
herself
an
enormous
habit
of
reference
to
these
upstairs
people
,
she
had
curbed
down
all
discordant
murmurings
of
her
soul
,
her
very
instincts
were
perverted
or
surrendered
.
She
was
sexless
,
her
personal
pride
was
all
transferred
,
she
mothered
another
woman
's
child
with
a
hard
,
joyless
devotion
that
was
at
least
entirely
compatible
with
a
stoical
separation
.
She
treated
us
all
as
things
that
counted
for
nothing
save
to
fetch
and
carry
for
her
charge
.
But
the
Honourable
Beatrice
could
condescend
.
The
queer
chances
of
later
years
come
between
me
and
a
distinctly
separated
memory
of
that
childish
face
.
When
I
think
of
Beatrice
,
I
think
of
her
as
I
came
to
know
her
at
a
later
time
,
when
at
last
I
came
to
know
her
so
well
that
indeed
now
I
could
draw
her
,
and
show
a
hundred
little
delicate
things
you
would
miss
in
looking
at
her
.
But
even
then
I
remember
how
I
noted
the
infinite
delicacy
of
her
childish
skin
and
the
fine
eyebrow
,
finer
than
the
finest
feather
that
ever
one
felt
on
the
breast
of
a
bird
.
She
was
one
of
those
elfin
,
rather
precocious
little
girls
,
quick
coloured
,
with
dark
hair
,
naturally
curling
dusky
hair
that
was
sometimes
astray
over
her
eyes
,
and
eyes
that
were
sometimes
impishly
dark
,
and
sometimes
a
clear
brown
yellow
.
And
from
the
very
outset
,
after
a
most
cursory
attention
to
Rabbits
,
she
decided
that
the
only
really
interesting
thing
at
the
tea-table
was
myself
.
The
elders
talked
in
their
formal
dull
way-telling
Nannie
the
trite
old
things
about
the
park
and
the
village
that
they
told
every
one
,
and
Beatrice
watched
me
across
the
table
with
a
pitiless
little
curiosity
that
made
me
uncomfortable
.
"
Nannie
,
"
she
said
,
pointing
,
and
Nannie
left
a
question
of
my
mother
's
disregarded
to
attend
to
her
;
"
is
he
a
servant
boy
?
"
"
S-s-sh
,
"
said
Nannie
.
"
He
's
Master
Ponderevo
.
"
"
Is
he
a
servant
boy
?
"
repeated
Beatrice
.
"
He
's
a
schoolboy
,
"
said
my
mother
.
"
Then
may
I
talk
to
him
,
Nannie
?
"
Nannie
surveyed
me
with
brutal
inhumanity
.
"
You
must
n't
talk
too
much
,
"
she
said
to
her
charge
,
and
cut
cake
into
fingers
for
her
.
"
No
,
"
she
added
decisively
,
as
Beatrice
made
to
speak
.
Beatrice
became
malignant
.
Her
eyes
explored
me
with
unjustifiable
hostility
.
"
He
's
got
dirty
hands
,
"
she
said
,
stabbing
at
the
forbidden
fruit
.
"
And
there
's
a
fray
to
his
collar
.
"
Then
she
gave
herself
up
to
cake
with
an
appearance
of
entire
forgetfulness
of
me
that
filled
me
with
hate
and
a
passionate
desire
to
compel
her
to
admire
me
...
.
And
the
next
day
before
tea
,
I
did
for
the
first
time
in
my
life
,
freely
,
without
command
or
any
compulsion
,
wash
my
hands
.
So
our
acquaintance
began
,
and
presently
was
deepened
by
a
whim
of
hers
.
She
had
a
cold
and
was
kept
indoors
,
and
confronted
Nannie
suddenly
with
the
alternative
of
being
hopelessly
naughty
,
which
in
her
case
involved
a
generous
amount
of
screaming
unsuitable
for
the
ears
of
an
elderly
,
shaky
,
rich
aunt
,
or
having
me
up
to
the
nursery
to
play
with
her
all
the
afternoon
.
Nannie
came
downstairs
and
borrowed
me
in
a
careworn
manner
;
and
I
was
handed
over
to
the
little
creature
as
if
I
was
some
large
variety
of
kitten
.
I
had
never
had
anything
to
do
with
a
little
girl
before
,
I
thought
she
was
more
beautiful
and
wonderful
and
bright
than
anything
else
could
possibly
be
in
life
,
and
she
found
me
the
gentlest
of
slaves-though
at
the
same
time
,
as
I
made
evident
,
fairly
strong
.
And
Nannie
was
amazed
to
find
the
afternoon
slip
cheerfully
and
rapidly
away
.
She
praised
my
manners
to
Lady
Drew
and
to
my
mother
,
who
said
she
was
glad
to
hear
well
of
me
,
and
after
that
I
played
with
Beatrice
several
times
.
The
toys
she
had
remain
in
my
memory
still
as
great
splendid
things
,
gigantic
to
all
my
previous
experience
of
toys
,
and
we
even
went
to
the
great
doll
's
house
on
the
nursery
landing
to
play
discreetly
with
that
,
the
great
doll
's
house
that
the
Prince
Regent
had
given
Sir
Harry
Drew
's
first-born
(
who
died
at
five
)
,
that
was
a
not
ineffectual
model
of
Bladesover
itself
,
and
contained
eighty-five
dolls
and
had
cost
hundreds
of
pounds
.
I
played
under
imperious
direction
with
that
toy
of
glory
.
I
went
back
to
school
when
that
holiday
was
over
,
dreaming
of
beautiful
things
,
and
got
Ewart
to
talk
to
me
of
love
;
and
I
made
a
great
story
out
of
the
doll
's
house
,
a
story
that
,
taken
over
into
Ewart
's
hands
,
speedily
grew
to
an
island
doll
's
city
all
our
own
.
One
of
the
dolls
,
I
privately
decided
,
was
like
Beatrice
.
One
other
holiday
there
was
when
I
saw
something
of
her-oddly
enough
my
memory
of
that
second
holiday
in
which
she
played
a
part
is
vague-and
then
came
a
gap
of
a
year
,
and
then
my
disgrace
.
Now
I
sit
down
to
write
my
story
and
tell
over
again
things
in
their
order
,
I
find
for
the
first
time
how
inconsecutive
and
irrational
a
thing
the
memory
can
be
.
One
recalls
acts
and
cannot
recall
motives
;
one
recalls
quite
vividly
moments
that
stand
out
inexplicably-things
adrift
,
joining
on
to
nothing
,
leading
nowhere
.
I
think
I
must
have
seen
Beatrice
and
her
half-brother
quite
a
number
of
times
in
my
last
holiday
at
Bladesover
,
but
I
really
cannot
recall
more
than
a
little
of
the
quality
of
the
circumstances
.
That
great
crisis
of
my
boyhood
stands
out
very
vividly
as
an
effect
,
as
a
sort
of
cardinal
thing
for
me
,
but
when
I
look
for
details
,
particularly
details
that
led
up
to
the
crisis-I
cannot
find
them
in
any
developing
order
at
all
.
This
halfbrother
,
Archie
Garvell
,
was
a
new
factor
in
the
affair
.
I
remember
him
clearly
as
a
fair-haired
,
supercilious
looking
,
weedily-lank
boy
,
much
taller
than
I
,
but
I
should
imagine
very
little
heavier
,
and
that
we
hated
each
other
by
a
sort
of
instinct
from
the
beginning
;
and
yet
I
cannot
remember
my
first
meeting
with
him
at
all
.
Looking
back
into
these
past
things-it
is
like
rummaging
in
a
neglected
attic
that
has
experienced
the
attentions
of
some
whimsical
robber-I
cannot
even
account
for
the
presence
of
these
children
at
Bladesover
.
They
were
,
I
know
,
among
the
innumerable
cousins
of
Lady
Drew
,
and
according
to
the
theories
of
downstairs
candidates
for
the
ultimate
possession
of
Bladesover
.
If
they
were
,
their
candidature
was
unsuccessful
.
But
that
great
place
,
with
all
its
faded
splendour
,
its
fine
furniture
,
its
large
traditions
,
was
entirely
at
the
old
lady
's
disposition
;
and
I
am
inclined
to
think
it
is
true
that
she
used
this
fact
to
torment
and
dominate
a
number
of
eligible
people
.
Lord
Osprey
was
among
the
number
of
these
,
and
she
showed
these
hospitalities
to
his
motherless
child
and
step-child
,
partly
,
no
doubt
,
because
he
was
poor
,
but
quite
as
much
,
I
nowadays
imagine
,
in
the
dim
hope
of
finding
some
affectionate
or
imaginative
outcome
of
contact
with
them
.
Nannie
had
dropped
out
of
the
world
this
second
time
,
and
Beatrice
was
in
the
charge
of
an
extremely
amiable
and
ineffectual
poor
army-class
young
woman
whose
name
I
never
knew
.
They
were
,
I
think
,
two
remarkably
illmanaged
and
enterprising
children
.
I
seem
to
remember
too
,
that
it
was
understood
that
I
was
not
a
fit
companion
for
them
,
and
that
our
meetings
had
to
be
as
unostentatious
as
possible
.
It
was
Beatrice
who
insisted
upon
our
meeting
.
I
am
certain
I
knew
quite
a
lot
about
love
at
fourteen
and
that
I
was
quite
as
much
in
love
with
Beatrice
then
as
any
impassioned
adult
could
be
,
and
that
Beatrice
was
,
in
her
way
,
in
love
with
me
.
It
is
part
of
the
decent
and
useful
pretences
of
our
world
that
children
of
the
age
at
which
we
were
,
think
nothing
,
feel
nothing
,
know
nothing
of
love
.
It
is
wonderful
what
people
the
English
are
for
keeping
up
pretences
.
But
indeed
I
cannot
avoid
telling
that
Beatrice
and
I
talked
of
love
and
kissed
and
embraced
one
another
.
I
recall
something
of
one
talk
under
the
overhanging
bushes
of
the
shrubbery-I
on
the
park
side
of
the
stone
wall
,
and
the
lady
of
my
worship
a
little
inelegantly
astride
thereon
.
Inelegantly
do
I
say
?
you
should
have
seen
the
sweet
imp
as
I
remember
her
.
Just
her
poise
on
the
wall
comes
suddenly
clear
before
me
,
and
behind
her
the
light
various
branches
of
the
bushes
of
the
shrubbery
that
my
feet
might
not
profane
,
and
far
away
and
high
behind
her
,
dim
and
stately
,
the
cornice
of
the
great
facade
of
Bladesover
rose
against
the
dappled
sky
.
Our
talk
must
have
been
serious
and
business-like
,
for
we
were
discussing
my
social
position
.
"
I
do
n't
love
Archie
,
"
she
had
said
,
apropos
of
nothing
;
and
then
in
a
whisper
,
leaning
forward
with
the
hair
about
her
face
,
"
I
love
YOU
!
"
But
she
had
been
a
little
pressing
to
have
it
clear
that
I
was
not
and
could
not
be
a
servant
.
"
You
'll
never
be
a
servant-ever
!
"
I
swore
that
very
readily
,
and
it
is
a
vow
I
have
kept
by
nature
.
"
What
will
you
be
?
"
said
she
.
I
ran
my
mind
hastily
over
the
professions
.
"
Will
you
be
a
soldier
?
"
she
asked
.
"
And
be
bawled
at
by
duffers
?
No
fear
!
"
said
I
.
"
Leave
that
to
the
plough-boys
.
"
"
But
an
officer
?
"
"
I
do
n't
know
,
"
I
said
,
evading
a
shameful
difficulty
.
"
I
'd
rather
go
into
the
navy
.
"
"
Would
n't
you
like
to
fight
?
"
"
I
'd
like
to
fight
,
"
I
said
.
"
But
a
common
soldier
it
's
no
honour
to
have
to
be
told
to
fight
and
to
be
looked
down
upon
while
you
do
it
,
and
how
could
I
be
an
officer
?
"
"
Could
n't
you
be
?
"
she
said
,
and
looked
at
me
doubtfully
;
and
the
spaces
of
the
social
system
opened
between
us
.
Then
,
as
became
a
male
of
spirit
,
I
took
upon
myself
to
brag
and
lie
my
way
through
this
trouble
.
I
said
I
was
a
poor
man
,
and
poor
men
went
into
the
navy
;
that
I
"
knew
"
mathematics
,
which
no
army
officer
did
;
and
I
claimed
Nelson
for
an
exemplar
,
and
spoke
very
highly
of
my
outlook
upon
blue
water
.
"
He
loved
Lady
Hamilton
,
"
I
said
,
"
although
she
was
a
lady-and
I
will
love
you
.
"
We
were
somewhere
near
that
when
the
egregious
governess
became
audible
,
calling
"
Beeee-atrice
!
Beeee-e-atrice
!
"
"
Snifty
beast
!
"
said
my
lady
,
and
tried
to
get
on
with
the
conversation
;
but
that
governess
made
things
impossible
.
"
Come
here
!
"
said
my
lady
suddenly
,
holding
out
a
grubby
hand
;
and
I
went
very
close
to
her
,
and
she
put
her
little
head
down
upon
the
wall
until
her
black
fog
of
hair
tickled
my
cheek
.
"
You
are
my
humble
,
faithful
lover
,
"
she
demanded
in
a
whisper
,
her
warm
flushed
face
near
touching
mine
,
and
her
eyes
very
dark
and
lustrous
.
"
I
am
your
humble
,
faithful
lover
,
"
I
whispered
back
.
And
she
put
her
arm
about
my
head
and
put
out
her
lips
and
we
kissed
,
and
boy
though
I
was
,
I
was
all
atremble
.
So
we
two
kissed
for
the
first
time
.
"
Beeee-e-e-a-trice
!
"
fearfully
close
.
My
lady
had
vanished
,
with
one
wild
kick
of
her
black-stocking
leg
.
A
moment
after
,
I
heard
her
sustaining
the
reproaches
of
her
governess
,
and
explaining
her
failure
to
answer
with
an
admirable
lucidity
and
disingenuousness
.
I
felt
it
was
unnecessary
for
me
to
be
seen
just
then
,
and
I
vanished
guiltily
round
the
corner
into
the
West
Wood
,
and
so
to
love-dreams
and
single-handed
play
,
wandering
along
one
of
those
meandering
bracken
valleys
that
varied
Bladesover
park
.
And
that
day
and
for
many
days
that
kiss
upon
my
lips
was
a
seal
,
and
by
night
the
seed
of
dreams
.
Then
I
remember
an
expedition
we
made-she
,
I
,
and
her
half-brother-into
those
West
Woods-they
two
were
supposed
to
be
playing
in
the
shrubbery-and
how
we
were
Indians
there
,
and
made
a
wigwam
out
of
a
pile
of
beech
logs
,
and
how
we
stalked
deer
,
crept
near
and
watched
rabbits
feeding
in
a
glade
,
and
almost
got
a
squirrel
.
It
was
play
seasoned
with
plentiful
disputing
between
me
and
young
Garvell
,
for
each
firmly
insisted
upon
the
leading
roles
,
and
only
my
wider
reading-I
had
read
ten
stories
to
his
one-gave
me
the
ascendency
over
him
.
Also
I
scored
over
him
by
knowing
how
to
find
the
eagle
in
a
bracken
stem
.
And
somehow-I
do
n't
remember
what
led
to
it
at
all-I
and
Beatrice
,
two
hot
and
ruffled
creatures
,
crept
in
among
the
tall
bracken
and
hid
from
him
.
The
great
fronds
rose
above
us
,
five
feet
or
more
,
and
as
I
had
learnt
how
to
wriggle
through
that
undergrowth
with
the
minimum
of
betrayal
by
tossing
greenery
above
,
I
led
the
way
.
The
ground
under
bracken
is
beautifully
clear
and
faintly
scented
in
warm
weather
;
the
stems
come
up
black
and
then
green
;
if
you
crawl
flat
,
it
is
a
tropical
forest
in
miniature
.
I
led
the
way
and
Beatrice
crawled
behind
,
and
then
as
the
green
of
the
further
glade
opened
before
us
,
stopped
.
She
crawled
up
to
me
,
her
hot
little
face
came
close
to
mine
;
once
more
she
looked
and
breathed
close
to
me
,
and
suddenly
she
flung
her
arm
about
my
neck
and
dragged
me
to
earth
beside
her
,
and
kissed
me
and
kissed
me
again
.
We
kissed
,
we
embraced
and
kissed
again
,
all
without
a
word
;
we
desisted
,
we
stared
and
hesitated-then
in
a
suddenly
damped
mood
and
a
little
perplexed
at
ourselves
,
crawled
out
,
to
be
presently
run
down
and
caught
in
the
tamest
way
by
Archie
.
That
comes
back
very
clearly
to
me
,
and
other
vague
memories-I
know
old
Hall
and
his
gun
,
out
shooting
at
jackdaws
,
came
into
our
common
experiences
,
but
I
do
n't
remember
how
;
and
then
at
last
,
abruptly
,
our
fight
in
the
Warren
stands
out
.
The
Warren
,
like
most
places
in
England
that
have
that
name
,
was
not
particularly
a
warren
,
it
was
a
long
slope
of
thorns
and
beeches
through
which
a
path
ran
,
and
made
an
alternative
route
to
the
downhill
carriage
road
between
Bladesover
and
Ropedean
.
I
do
n't
know
how
we
three
got
there
,
but
I
have
an
uncertain
fancy
it
was
connected
with
a
visit
paid
by
the
governess
to
the
Ropedean
vicarage
people
.
But
suddenly
Archie
and
I
,
in
discussing
a
game
,
fell
into
a
dispute
for
Beatrice
.
I
had
made
him
the
fairest
offer
:
I
was
to
be
a
Spanish
nobleman
,
she
was
to
be
my
wife
,
and
he
was
to
be
a
tribe
of
Indians
trying
to
carry
her
off
.
It
seems
to
me
a
fairly
attractive
offer
to
a
boy
to
be
a
whole
tribe
of
Indians
with
a
chance
of
such
a
booty
.
But
Archie
suddenly
took
offence
.
"
No
,
"
he
said
;
"
we
ca
n't
have
that
!
"
"
Ca
n't
have
what
?
"
"
You
ca
n't
be
a
gentleman
,
because
you
are
n't
.
And
you
ca
n't
play
Beatrice
is
your
wife
.
It's-it
's
impertinent
.
"
"
But
"
I
said
,
and
looked
at
her
.
Some
earlier
grudge
in
the
day
's
affairs
must
have
been
in
Archie
's
mind
.
"
We
let
you
play
with
us
,
"
said
Archie
;
"
but
we
ca
n't
have
things
like
that
.
"
"
What
rot
!
"
said
Beatrice
.
"
He
can
if
he
likes
.
"
But
he
carried
his
point
.
I
let
him
carry
it
,
and
only
began
to
grow
angry
three
or
four
minutes
later
.
Then
we
were
still
discussing
play
and
disputing
about
another
game
.
Nothing
seemed
right
for
all
of
us
.
"
We
do
n't
want
you
to
play
with
us
at
all
,
"
said
Archie
.
"
Yes
,
we
do
,
"
said
Beatrice
.
"
He
drops
his
aitches
like
anything
.
"
"
No
,
'
e
does
n't
,
"
said
I
,
in
the
heat
of
the
moment
.
"
There
you
go
!
"
he
cried
.
"
E
,
he
says
.
E
!
E
!
E
!
"
He
pointed
a
finger
at
me
.
He
had
struck
to
the
heart
of
my
shame
.
I
made
the
only
possible
reply
by
a
rush
at
him
.
"
Hello
!
"
he
cried
,
at
my
blackavised
attack
.
He
dropped
back
into
an
attitude
that
had
some
style
in
it
,
parried
my
blow
,
got
back
at
my
cheek
,
and
laughed
with
surprise
and
relief
at
his
own
success
.
Whereupon
I
became
a
thing
of
murderous
rage
.
He
could
box
as
well
or
better
than
I-he
had
yet
to
realise
I
knew
anything
of
that
at
all-but
I
had
fought
once
or
twice
to
a
finish
with
bare
fists
.
I
was
used
to
inflicting
and
enduring
savage
hurting
,
and
I
doubt
if
he
had
ever
fought
.
I
had
n't
fought
ten
seconds
before
I
felt
this
softness
in
him
,
realised
all
that
quality
of
modern
upper-class
England
that
never
goes
to
the
quick
,
that
hedges
about
rules
and
those
petty
points
of
honour
that
are
the
ultimate
comminution
of
honour
,
that
claims
credit
for
things
demonstrably
half
done
.
He
seemed
to
think
that
first
hit
of
his
and
one
or
two
others
were
going
to
matter
,
that
I
ought
to
give
in
when
presently
my
lip
bled
and
dripped
blood
upon
my
clothes
.
So
before
we
had
been
at
it
a
minute
he
had
ceased
to
be
aggressive
except
in
momentary
spurts
,
and
I
was
knocking
him
about
almost
as
I
wanted
to
do
;
and
demanding
breathlessly
and
fiercely
,
after
our
school
manner
,
whether
he
had
had
enough
,
not
knowing
that
by
his
high
code
and
his
soft
training
it
was
equally
impossible
for
him
to
either
buck-up
and
beat
me
,
or
give
in
.
I
have
a
very
distinct
impression
of
Beatrice
dancing
about
us
during
the
affair
in
a
state
of
unladylike
appreciation
,
but
I
was
too
preoccupied
to
hear
much
of
what
she
was
saying
.
But
she
certainly
backed
us
both
,
and
I
am
inclined
to
think
now-it
may
be
the
disillusionment
of
my
ripened
years-whichever
she
thought
was
winning
.
Then
young
Garvell
,
giving
way
before
my
slogging
,
stumbled
and
fell
over
a
big
flint
,
and
I
,
still
following
the
tradition
of
my
class
and
school
,
promptly
flung
myself
on
him
to
finish
him
.
We
were
busy
with
each
other
on
the
ground
when
we
became
aware
of
a
dreadful
interruption
.
"
Shut
up
,
you
FOOL
!
"
said
Archie
.
"
Oh
,
Lady
Drew
!
"
I
heard
Beatrice
cry
.
"
They
're
fighting
!
They
're
fighting
something
awful
!
"
I
looked
over
my
shoulder
.
Archie
's
wish
to
get
up
became
irresistible
,
and
my
resolve
to
go
on
with
him
vanished
altogether
.
I
became
aware
of
the
two
old
ladies
,
presences
of
black
and
purple
silk
and
fur
and
shining
dark
things
;
they
had
walked
up
through
the
Warren
,
while
the
horses
took
the
hill
easily
,
and
so
had
come
upon
us
.
Beatrice
had
gone
to
them
at
once
with
an
air
of
taking
refuge
,
and
stood
beside
and
a
little
behind
them
.
We
both
rose
dejectedly
.
The
two
old
ladies
were
evidently
quite
dreadfully
shocked
,
and
peering
at
us
with
their
poor
old
eyes
;
and
never
had
I
seen
such
a
tremblement
in
Lady
Drew
's
lorgnettes
.
"
You
've
never
been
fighting
?
"
said
Lady
Drew
.
"
You
have
been
fighting
.
"
"
It
was
n't
proper
fighting
,
"
snapped
Archie
,
with
accusing
eyes
on
me
.
"
It
's
Mrs.
Ponderevo
's
George
!
"
said
Miss
Somerville
,
so
adding
a
conviction
for
ingratitude
to
my
evident
sacrilege
.
"
How
could
he
DARE
?
"
cried
Lady
Drew
,
becoming
very
awful
.
"
He
broke
the
rules
"
said
Archie
,
sobbing
for
breath
.
"
I
slipped
,
and-he
hit
me
while
I
was
down
.
He
knelt
on
me
.
"
"
How
could
you
DARE
?
"
said
Lady
Drew
.
I
produced
an
experienced
handkerchief
rolled
up
into
a
tight
ball
,
and
wiped
the
blood
from
my
chin
,
but
I
offered
no
explanation
of
my
daring
.
Among
other
things
that
prevented
that
,
I
was
too
short
of
breath
.
"
He
did
n't
fight
fair
,
"
sobbed
Archie
.
Beatrice
,
from
behind
the
old
ladies
,
regarded
me
intently
and
without
hostility
.
I
am
inclined
to
think
the
modification
of
my
face
through
the
damage
to
my
lip
interested
her
.
It
became
dimly
apparent
to
my
confused
intelligence
that
I
must
not
say
these
two
had
been
playing
with
me
.
That
would
not
be
after
the
rules
of
their
game
.
I
resolved
in
this
difficult
situation
upon
a
sulky
silence
,
and
to
take
whatever
consequences
might
follow
.
The
powers
of
justice
in
Bladesover
made
an
extraordinary
mess
of
my
case
.
I
have
regretfully
to
admit
that
the
Honourable
Beatrice
Normandy
did
,
at
the
age
of
ten
,
betray
me
,
abandon
me
,
and
lie
most
abominably
about
me
.
She
was
,
as
a
matter
of
fact
,
panic-stricken
about
me
,
conscience
stricken
too
;
she
bolted
from
the
very
thought
of
my
being
her
affianced
lover
and
so
forth
,
from
the
faintest
memory
of
kissing
;
she
was
indeed
altogether
disgraceful
and
human
in
her
betrayal
.
She
and
her
half-brother
lied
in
perfect
concord
,
and
I
was
presented
as
a
wanton
assailant
of
my
social
betters
.
They
were
waiting
about
in
the
Warren
,
when
I
came
up
and
spoke
to
them
,
etc.
On
the
whole
,
I
now
perceive
Lady
Drew
's
decisions
were
,
in
the
light
of
the
evidence
,
reasonable
and
merciful
.
They
were
conveyed
to
me
by
my
mother
,
who
was
,
I
really
believe
,
even
more
shocked
by
the
grossness
of
my
social
insubordination
than
Lady
Drew
.
She
dilated
on
her
ladyship
's
kindnesses
to
me
,
on
the
effrontery
and
wickedness
of
my
procedure
,
and
so
came
at
last
to
the
terms
of
my
penance
.
"
You
must
go
up
to
young
Mr.
Garvell
,
and
beg
his
pardon
.
"
"
I
wo
n't
beg
his
pardon
,
"
I
said
,
speaking
for
the
first
time
.
My
mother
paused
,
incredulous
.
I
folded
my
arms
on
her
table-cloth
,
and
delivered
my
wicked
little
ultimatum
.
"
I
wo
n't
beg
his
pardon
nohow
,
"
I
said
.
"
See
?
"
"
Then
you
will
have
to
go
off
to
your
uncle
Frapp
at
Chatham
.
"
"
I
do
n't
care
where
I
have
to
go
or
what
I
have
to
do
,
I
wo
n't
beg
his
pardon
,
"
I
said
.
And
I
did
n't
.
After
that
I
was
one
against
the
world
.
Perhaps
in
my
mother
's
heart
there
lurked
some
pity
for
me
,
but
she
did
not
show
it
.
She
took
the
side
of
the
young
gentleman
;
she
tried
hard
,
she
tried
very
hard
,
to
make
me
say
I
was
sorry
I
had
struck
him
.
Sorry
!
I
could
n't
explain
.
So
I
went
into
exile
in
the
dog-cart
to
Redwood
station
,
with
Jukes
the
coachman
,
coldly
silent
,
driving
me
,
and
all
my
personal
belongings
in
a
small
American
cloth
portmanteau
behind
.
I
felt
I
had
much
to
embitter
me
;
the
game
had
and
the
beginnings
of
fairness
by
any
standards
I
knew
...
.
But
the
thing
that
embittered
me
most
was
that
the
Honourable
Beatrice
Normandy
should
have
repudiated
and
fled
from
me
as
though
I
was
some
sort
of
leper
,
and
not
even
have
taken
a
chance
or
so
,
to
give
me
a
good-bye
.
She
might
have
done
that
anyhow
!
Supposing
I
had
told
on
her
!
But
the
son
of
a
servant
counts
as
a
servant
.
She
had
forgotten
and
now
remembered
.
I
solaced
myself
with
some
extraordinary
dream
of
coming
back
to
Bladesover
,
stern
,
powerful
,
after
the
fashion
of
Coriolanus
.
I
do
not
recall
the
details
,
but
I
have
no
doubt
I
displayed
great
magnanimity
...
Well
,
anyhow
I
never
said
I
was
sorry
for
pounding
young
Garvell
,
and
I
am
not
sorry
to
this
day
.
CHAPTER
THE
SECOND
OF
MY
LAUNCH
INTO
THE
WORLD
AND
THE
LAST
I
SAW
OF
BLADESOVER
When
I
was
thus
banished
from
Bladesover
House
,
as
it
was
then
thought
for
good
and
all
,
I
was
sent
by
my
mother
in
a
vindictive
spirit
,
first
to
her
cousin
Nicodemus
Frapp
,
and
then
,
as
a
fully
indentured
apprentice
,
to
my
uncle
Ponderevo
.
I
ran
away
from
the
care
of
my
cousin
Nicodemus
back
to
Bladesover
House
.
My
cousin
Nicodemus
Frapp
was
a
baker
in
a
back
street
—
a
slum
rather
—
just
off
that
miserable
narrow
mean
high
road
that
threads
those
exquisite
beads
,
Rochester
and
Chatham
.
He
was
,
I
must
admit
,
a
shock
to
me
,
much
dominated
by
a
young
,
plump
,
prolific
,
malingering
wife
;
a
bent
,
slow-moving
,
unwilling
dark
man
with
flour
in
his
hair
and
eyelashes
,
in
the
lines
of
his
face
and
the
seams
of
his
coat
.
I
've
never
had
a
chance
to
correct
my
early
impression
of
him
,
and
he
still
remains
an
almost
dreadful
memory
,
a
sort
of
caricature
of
incompetent
simplicity
.
As
I
remember
him
,
indeed
,
he
presented
the
servile
tradition
perfected
.
He
had
no
pride
in
his
person
;
fine
clothes
and
dressing
up
was
n't
"
for
the
likes
of
"
him
,
so
that
he
got
his
wife
,
who
was
no
artist
at
it
,
to
cut
his
black
hair
at
irregular
intervals
,
and
let
his
nails
become
disagreeable
to
the
fastidious
eye
;
he
had
no
pride
in
his
business
nor
any
initiative
;
his
only
virtues
were
not
doing
certain
things
and
hard
work
.
"
Your
uncle
,
"
said
my
mother
—
all
grown-up
cousins
were
uncles
by
courtesy
among
the
Victorian
middle-class
—
"
is
n't
much
to
look
at
or
talk
to
,
but
he
's
a
Good
Hard-Working
Man
.
"
There
was
a
sort
of
base
honourableness
about
toil
,
however
needless
,
in
that
system
of
inversion
.
Another
point
of
honour
was
to
rise
at
or
before
dawn
,
and
then
laboriously
muddle
about
.
It
was
very
distinctly
impressed
on
my
mind
that
the
Good
Hard-Working
Man
would
have
thought
it
"
fal-lallish
"
to
own
a
pocket
handkerchief
.
Poor
old
Frapp
—
dirty
and
crushed
by
,
product
of
,
Bladesover
's
magnificence
!
He
made
no
fight
against
the
world
at
all
,
he
was
floundering
in
small
debts
that
were
not
so
small
but
that
finally
they
overwhelmed
him
,
whenever
there
was
occasion
for
any
exertion
his
wife
fell
back
upon
pains
and
her
"
condition
,
"
and
God
sent
them
many
children
,
most
of
whom
died
,
and
so
,
by
their
coming
and
going
,
gave
a
double
exercise
in
the
virtues
of
submission
.
Resignation
to
God
's
will
was
the
common
device
of
these
people
in
the
face
of
every
duty
and
every
emergency
.
There
were
no
books
in
the
house
;
I
doubt
if
either
of
them
had
retained
the
capacity
for
reading
consecutively
for
more
than
a
minute
or
so
,
and
it
was
with
amazement
that
day
after
day
,
over
and
above
stale
bread
,
one
beheld
food
and
again
more
food
amidst
the
litter
that
held
permanent
session
on
the
living-room
table
.
One
might
have
doubted
if
either
of
them
felt
discomfort
in
this
dusty
darkness
of
existence
,
if
it
was
not
that
they
did
visibly
seek
consolation
.
They
sought
this
and
found
it
of
a
Sunday
,
not
in
strong
drink
and
raving
,
but
in
imaginary
draughts
of
blood
.
They
met
with
twenty
or
thirty
other
darkened
and
unclean
people
,
all
dressed
in
dingy
colours
that
would
not
show
the
dirt
,
in
a
little
brick-built
chapel
equipped
with
a
spavined
roarer
of
a
harmonium
,
and
there
solaced
their
minds
on
the
thought
that
all
that
was
fair
and
free
in
life
,
all
that
struggled
,
all
that
planned
and
made
,
all
pride
and
beauty
and
honour
,
all
fine
and
enjoyable
things
,
were
irrevocably
damned
to
everlasting
torments
.
They
were
the
self-appointed
confidants
of
God
's
mockery
of
his
own
creation
.
So
at
any
rate
they
stick
in
my
mind
.
Vaguer
,
and
yet
hardly
less
agreeable
than
this
cosmic
jest
,
this
coming
"
Yah
,
clever
!
"
and
general
serving
out
and
"
showing
up
"
of
the
lucky
,
the
bold
,
and
the
cheerful
,
was
their
own
predestination
to
Glory
.
"
There
is
a
Fountain
,
filled
with
Blood
Drawn
from
Emmanuel
's
Veins
,
"
so
they
sang
.
I
hear
the
drone
and
wheeze
of
that
hymn
now
.
I
hated
them
with
the
bitter
uncharitable
condemnation
of
boyhood
,
and
a
twinge
of
that
hate
comes
back
to
me
.
As
I
write
the
words
,
the
sounds
and
then
the
scene
return
,
these
obscure
,
undignified
people
,
a
fat
woman
with
asthma
,
an
old
Welsh
milk-seller
with
a
tumour
on
his
bald
head
,
who
was
the
intellectual
leader
of
the
sect
,
a
huge-voiced
haberdasher
with
a
big
black
beard
,
a
white-faced
,
extraordinarily
pregnant
woman
,
his
wife
,
a
spectacled
rate
collector
with
a
bent
back
...
.
I
hear
the
talk
about
souls
,
the
strange
battered
old
phrases
that
were
coined
ages
ago
in
the
seaports
of
the
sun-dry
Levant
,
of
balm
of
Gilead
and
manna
in
the
desert
,
of
gourds
that
give
shade
and
water
in
a
thirsty
land
;
I
recall
again
the
way
in
which
at
the
conclusion
of
the
service
the
talk
remained
pious
in
form
but
became
medical
in
substance
,
and
how
the
women
got
together
for
obstetric
whisperings
.
I
,
as
a
boy
,
did
not
matter
,
and
might
overhear
.
If
Bladesover
is
my
key
for
the
explanation
of
England
,
I
think
my
invincible
persuasion
that
I
understand
Russia
was
engendered
by
the
circle
of
Uncle
Frapp
.
I
slept
in
a
dingy
sheeted
bed
with
the
two
elder
survivors
of
Frapp
fecundity
,
and
spent
my
week
days
in
helping
in
the
laborious
disorder
of
the
shop
and
bakehouse
,
in
incidental
deliveries
of
bread
and
so
forth
,
and
in
parrying
the
probings
of
my
uncle
into
my
relations
with
the
Blood
,
and
his
confidential
explanations
that
ten
shillings
a
week
—
which
was
what
my
mother
paid
him
—
was
not
enough
to
cover
my
accommodation
.
He
was
very
anxious
to
keep
that
,
but
also
he
wanted
more
.
There
were
neither
books
nor
any
seat
nor
corner
in
that
house
where
reading
was
possible
,
no
newspaper
ever
brought
the
clash
of
worldly
things
into
its
heavenward
seclusion
;
horror
of
it
all
grew
in
me
daily
,
and
whenever
I
could
I
escaped
into
the
streets
and
tramped
about
Chatham
.
The
news
shops
appealed
to
me
particularly
.
One
saw
there
smudgy
illustrated
sheets
,
the
Police
News
in
particular
,
in
which
vilely
drawn
pictures
brought
home
to
the
dullest
intelligence
an
interminable
succession
of
squalid
crimes
,
women
murdered
and
put
into
boxes
,
buried
under
floors
,
old
men
bludgeoned
at
midnight
by
robbers
,
people
thrust
suddenly
out
of
trains
,
happy
lovers
shot
,
vitrioled
and
so
forth
by
rivals
.
I
got
my
first
glimpse
of
the
life
of
pleasure
in
foully
drawn
pictures
of
"
police
raids
"
on
this
and
that
.
Interspersed
with
these
sheets
were
others
in
which
Sloper
,
the
urban
John
Bull
,
had
his
fling
with
gin
bottle
and
obese
umbrella
,
or
the
kindly
empty
faces
of
the
Royal
Family
appeared
and
reappeared
,
visiting
this
,
opening
that
,
getting
married
,
getting
offspring
,
lying
in
state
,
doing
everything
but
anything
,
a
wonderful
,
good-meaning
,
impenetrable
race
apart
.
I
have
never
revisited
Chatham
;
the
impression
it
has
left
on
my
mind
is
one
of
squalid
compression
,
unlit
by
any
gleam
of
a
maturer
charity
.
All
its
effects
arranged
themselves
as
antithetical
to
the
Bladesover
effects
.
They
confirmed
and
intensified
all
that
Bladesover
suggested
.
Bladesover
declared
itself
to
be
the
land
,
to
be
essentially
England
;
I
have
already
told
how
its
airy
spaciousness
,
its
wide
dignity
,
seemed
to
thrust
village
,
church
,
and
vicarage
into
corners
,
into
a
secondary
and
conditional
significance
.
Here
one
gathered
the
corollary
of
that
.
Since
the
whole
wide
country
of
Kent
was
made
up
of
contiguous
Bladesovers
and
for
the
gentlefolk
,
the
surplus
of
population
,
all
who
were
not
good
tenants
nor
good
labourers
,
Church
of
England
,
submissive
and
respectful
,
were
necessarily
thrust
together
,
jostled
out
of
sight
,
to
fester
as
they
might
in
this
place
that
had
the
colours
and
even
the
smells
of
a
well-packed
dustbin
.
They
should
be
grateful
even
for
that
;
that
,
one
felt
,
was
the
theory
of
it
all
.
And
I
loafed
about
this
wilderness
of
crowded
dinginess
,
with
young
,
receptive
,
wide-open
eyes
,
and
through
the
blessing
(
or
curse
)
of
some
fairy
godmother
of
mine
,
asking
and
asking
again
:
"
But
after
all
,
WHY
—
"
I
wandered
up
through
Rochester
once
,
and
had
a
glimpse
of
the
Stour
valley
above
the
town
,
all
horrible
with
cement
works
and
foully
smoking
chimneys
and
rows
of
workmen
's
cottages
,
minute
,
ugly
,
uncomfortable
,
and
grimy
.
So
I
had
my
first
intimation
of
how
industrialism
must
live
in
a
landlord
's
land
.
I
spent
some
hours
,
too
,
in
the
streets
that
give
upon
the
river
,
drawn
by
the
spell
of
the
sea
.
But
I
saw
barges
and
ships
stripped
of
magic
and
mostly
devoted
to
cement
,
ice
,
timber
,
and
coal
.
The
sailors
looked
to
me
gross
and
slovenly
men
,
and
the
shipping
struck
me
as
clumsy
,
ugly
,
old
,
and
dirty
.
I
discovered
that
most
sails
do
n't
fit
the
ships
that
hoist
them
,
and
that
there
may
be
as
pitiful
and
squalid
a
display
of
poverty
with
a
vessel
as
with
a
man
.
When
I
saw
colliers
unloading
,
watched
the
workers
in
the
hold
filling
up
silly
little
sacks
and
the
succession
of
blackened
,
half-naked
men
that
ran
to
and
fro
with
these
along
a
plank
over
a
thirty-foot
drop
into
filth
and
mud
,
I
was
first
seized
with
admiration
of
their
courage
and
toughness
and
then
,
"
But
after
all
,
WHY
—
?
"
and
the
stupid
ugliness
of
all
this
waste
of
muscle
and
endurance
came
home
to
me
.
Among
other
things
it
obviously
wasted
and
deteriorated
the
coal
...
.
And
I
had
imagined
great
things
of
the
sea
!
Well
,
anyhow
,
for
a
time
that
vocation
was
stilled
.
But
such
impressions
came
into
my
leisure
,
and
of
that
I
had
no
excess
.
Most
of
my
time
was
spent
doing
things
for
Uncle
Frapp
,
and
my
evenings
and
nights
perforce
in
the
company
of
the
two
eldest
of
my
cousins
.
He
was
errand
boy
at
an
oil
shop
and
fervently
pious
,
and
of
him
I
saw
nothing
until
the
evening
except
at
meals
;
the
other
was
enjoying
the
midsummer
holidays
without
any
great
elation
;
a
singularly
thin
and
abject
,
stunted
creature
he
was
,
whose
chief
liveliness
was
to
pretend
to
be
a
monkey
,
and
who
I
am
now
convinced
had
some
secret
disease
that
drained
his
vitality
away
.
If
I
met
him
now
I
should
think
him
a
pitiful
little
creature
and
be
extremely
sorry
for
him
.
Then
I
felt
only
a
wondering
aversion
.
He
sniffed
horribly
,
he
was
tired
out
by
a
couple
of
miles
of
loafing
,
he
never
started
any
conversation
,
and
he
seemed
to
prefer
his
own
company
to
mine
.
His
mother
,
poor
woman
,
said
he
was
the
"
thoughtful
one
.
"
Serious
trouble
came
suddenly
out
of
a
conversation
we
held
in
bed
one
night
.
Some
particularly
pious
phrase
of
my
elder
cousin
's
irritated
me
extremely
,
and
I
avowed
outright
my
entire
disbelief
in
the
whole
scheme
of
revealed
religion
.
I
had
never
said
a
word
about
my
doubts
to
any
one
before
,
except
to
Ewart
who
had
first
evolved
them
.
I
had
never
settled
my
doubts
until
at
this
moment
when
I
spoke
.
But
it
came
to
me
then
that
the
whole
scheme
of
salvation
of
the
Frappes
was
not
simply
doubtful
,
but
impossible
.
I
fired
this
discovery
out
into
the
darkness
with
the
greatest
promptitude
.
My
abrupt
denials
certainly
scared
my
cousin
amazingly
.
At
first
they
could
not
understand
what
I
was
saying
,
and
when
they
did
I
fully
believe
they
expected
an
instant
answer
in
thunderbolts
and
flames
.
They
gave
me
more
room
in
the
bed
forthwith
,
and
then
the
elder
sat
up
and
expressed
his
sense
of
my
awfulness
.
I
was
already
a
little
frightened
at
my
temerity
,
but
when
he
asked
me
categorically
to
unsay
what
I
had
said
,
what
could
I
do
but
confirm
my
repudiation
?
"
There
's
no
hell
,
"
I
said
,
"
and
no
eternal
punishment
.
No
God
would
be
such
a
fool
as
that
.
"
My
elder
cousin
cried
aloud
in
horror
,
and
the
younger
lay
scared
,
but
listening
.
"
Then
you
mean
,
"
said
my
elder
cousin
,
when
at
last
he
could
bring
himself
to
argue
,
"
you
might
do
just
as
you
liked
?
"
"
If
you
were
cad
enough
,
"
said
I
.
Our
little
voices
went
on
interminably
,
and
at
one
stage
my
cousin
got
out
of
bed
and
made
his
brother
do
likewise
,
and
knelt
in
the
night
dimness
and
prayed
at
me
.
That
I
found
trying
,
but
I
held
out
valiantly
.
"
Forgive
him
,
"
said
my
cousin
,
"
he
knows
not
what
he
sayeth
.
"
"
You
can
pray
if
you
like
,
"
I
said
,
"
but
if
you
're
going
to
cheek
me
in
your
prayers
I
draw
the
line
.
"
The
last
I
remember
of
that
great
discussion
was
my
cousin
deploring
the
fact
that
he
"
should
ever
sleep
in
the
same
bed
with
an
Infidel
!
"
The
next
day
he
astonished
me
by
telling
the
whole
business
to
his
father
.
This
was
quite
outside
all
my
codes
.
Uncle
Nicodemus
sprang
it
upon
me
at
the
midday
meal
.
"
You
been
sayin
'
queer
things
,
George
,
"
he
said
abruptly
.
"
You
better
mind
what
you
're
saying
.
"
"
What
did
he
say
,
father
?
"
said
Mrs.
Frapp
.
"
Things
I
could
n't
'
repeat
,
"
said
he
.
"
What
things
?
"
I
asked
hotly
.
"
Ask
'
IM
,
"
said
my
uncle
,
pointing
with
his
knife
to
his
informant
,
and
making
me
realise
the
nature
of
my
offence
.
My
aunt
looked
at
the
witness
.
"
Not
—
?
"
she
framed
a
question
.
"
Wuss
,
"
said
my
uncle
.
"
Blarsphemy
.
"
My
aunt
could
n't
touch
another
mouthful
.
I
was
already
a
little
troubled
in
my
conscience
by
my
daring
,
and
now
I
began
to
feel
the
black
enormity
of
the
course
upon
which
I
had
embarked
.
"
I
was
only
talking
sense
,
"
I
said
.
I
had
a
still
more
dreadful
moment
when
presently
I
met
my
cousin
in
the
brick
alley
behind
the
yard
,
that
led
back
to
his
grocer
's
shop
.
"
You
sneak
!
"
I
said
,
and
smacked
his
face
hard
forthwith
.
"
Now
then
,
"
said
I
.
He
started
back
,
astonished
and
alarmed
.
His
eyes
met
mine
,
and
I
saw
a
sudden
gleam
of
resolution
.
He
turned
his
other
cheek
to
me
.
"
'
It
'
it
,
"
he
said
.
"
'
It
'
it
.
I
'LL
forgive
you
.
"
I
felt
I
had
never
encountered
a
more
detestable
way
of
evading
a
licking
.
I
shoved
him
against
the
wall
and
left
him
there
,
forgiving
me
,
and
went
back
into
the
house
.
"
You
better
not
speak
to
your
cousins
,
George
,
"
said
my
aunt
,
"
till
you
're
in
a
better
state
of
mind
.
"
I
became
an
outcast
forthwith
.
At
supper
that
night
a
gloomy
silence
was
broken
by
my
cousin
saying
,
"
'
E
'
it
me
for
telling
you
,
and
I
turned
the
other
cheek
,
muvver
.
"
"
'
E
's
got
the
evil
one
be'ind
'
im
now
,
a
ridin
'
on
'
is
back
,
"
said
my
aunt
,
to
the
grave
discomfort
of
the
eldest
girl
,
who
sat
beside
me
.
After
supper
my
uncle
,
in
a
few
ill-chosen
words
,
prayed
me
to
repent
before
I
slept
.
"
Suppose
you
was
took
in
your
sleep
,
George
,
"
he
said
;
"
where
'd
you
be
then
?
You
jest
think
of
that
me
boy
.
"
By
this
time
I
was
thoroughly
miserable
and
frightened
,
and
this
suggestion
unnerved
me
dreadfully
but
I
kept
up
an
impenitent
front
.
"
To
wake
in
'
ell
,
"
said
Uncle
Nicodemus
,
in
gentle
tones
.
"
You
do
n't
want
to
wake
in
'
ell
,
George
,
burnin
'
and
screamin
'
for
ever
,
do
you
?
You
would
n't
like
that
?
"
He
tried
very
hard
to
get
me
to
"
jest
'
ave
a
look
at
the
bake'ouse
fire
"
before
I
retired
.
"
It
might
move
you
,
"
he
said
.
I
was
awake
longest
that
night
.
My
cousins
slept
,
the
sleep
of
faith
on
either
side
of
me
.
I
decided
I
would
whisper
my
prayers
,
and
stopped
midway
because
I
was
ashamed
,
and
perhaps
also
because
I
had
an
idea
one
did
n't
square
God
like
that
.
"
No
,
"
I
said
,
with
a
sudden
confidence
,
"
damn
me
if
you
're
coward
enough
...
.
But
you
're
not
.
No
!
You
could
n't
be
!
"
I
woke
my
cousins
up
with
emphatic
digs
,
and
told
them
as
much
,
triumphantly
,
and
went
very
peacefully
to
sleep
with
my
act
of
faith
accomplished
.
I
slept
not
only
through
that
night
,
but
for
all
my
nights
since
then
.
So
far
as
any
fear
of
Divine
injustice
goes
,
I
sleep
soundly
,
and
shall
,
I
know
,
to
the
end
of
things
.
That
declaration
was
an
epoch
in
my
spiritual
life
.
But
I
did
n't
expect
to
have
the
whole
meeting
on
Sunday
turned
on
to
me
.
It
was
.
It
all
comes
back
to
me
,
that
convergence
of
attention
,
even
the
faint
leathery
smell
of
its
atmosphere
returns
,
and
the
coarse
feel
of
my
aunt
's
black
dress
beside
me
in
contact
with
my
hand
.
I
see
again
the
old
Welsh
milkman
"
wrestling
"
with
me
,
they
all
wrestled
with
me
,
by
prayer
or
exhortation
.
And
I
was
holding
out
stoutly
,
though
convinced
now
by
the
contagion
of
their
universal
conviction
that
by
doing
so
I
was
certainly
and
hopelessly
damned
.
I
felt
that
they
were
right
,
that
God
was
probably
like
them
,
and
that
on
the
whole
it
did
n't
matter
.
And
to
simplify
the
business
thoroughly
I
had
declared
I
did
n't
believe
anything
at
all
.
They
confuted
me
by
texts
from
Scripture
which
I
now
perceive
was
an
illegitimate
method
of
reply
.
When
I
got
home
,
still
impenitent
and
eternally
lost
and
secretly
very
lonely
and
miserable
and
alarmed
,
Uncle
Nicodemus
docked
my
Sunday
pudding
.
One
person
only
spoke
to
me
like
a
human
being
on
that
day
of
wrath
,
and
that
was
the
younger
Frapp
.
He
came
up
to
me
in
the
afternoon
while
I
was
confined
upstairs
with
a
Bible
and
my
own
thoughts
.
"
'
Ello
,
"
he
said
,
and
fretted
about
.
"
D'you
mean
to
say
there
is
n't
—
no
one
,
"
he
said
,
funking
the
word
.
"
No
one
?
"
"
No
one
watching
yer
—
always
.
"
"
Why
should
there
be
?
"
I
asked
.
"
You
ca
n't
'
elp
thoughts
,
"
said
my
cousin
,
"
anyhow
.
You
mean
—
"
He
stopped
hovering
.
"
I
s'pose
I
ought
n't
to
be
talking
to
you
.
"
He
hesitated
and
flitted
away
with
a
guilty
back
glance
over
his
shoulder
...
.
The
following
week
made
life
quite
intolerable
for
me
;
these
people
forced
me
at
last
into
an
Atheism
that
terrified
me
.
When
I
learnt
that
next
Sunday
the
wrestling
was
to
be
resumed
,
my
courage
failed
me
altogether
.
I
happened
upon
a
map
of
Kent
in
a
stationer
's
window
on
Saturday
,
and
that
set
me
thinking
of
one
form
of
release
.
I
studied
it
intently
for
half
an
hour
perhaps
,
on
Saturday
night
,
got
a
route
list
of
villages
well
fixed
in
my
memory
,
and
got
up
and
started
for
Bladesover
about
five
on
Sunday
morning
while
my
two
bed
mates
were
still
fast
asleep
.
I
remember
something
,
but
not
so
much
of
it
as
I
should
like
to
recall
,
of
my
long
tramp
to
Bladesover
House
.
The
distance
from
Chatham
is
almost
exactly
seventeen
miles
,
and
it
took
me
until
nearly
one
.
It
was
very
interesting
and
I
do
not
think
I
was
very
fatigued
,
though
I
got
rather
pinched
by
one
boot
.
The
morning
must
have
been
very
clear
,
because
I
remember
that
near
Itchinstow
Hall
I
looked
back
and
saw
the
estuary
of
the
Thames
,
that
river
that
has
since
played
so
large
a
part
in
my
life
.
But
at
the
time
I
did
not
know
it
was
the
Thames
,
I
thought
this
great
expanse
of
mud
flats
and
water
was
the
sea
,
which
I
had
never
yet
seen
nearly
.
And
out
upon
it
stood
ships
,
sailing
ships
and
a
steamer
or
so
,
going
up
to
London
or
down
out
into
the
great
seas
of
the
world
.
I
stood
for
a
long
time
watching
these
and
thinking
whether
after
all
I
should
not
have
done
better
to
have
run
away
to
sea
.
The
nearer
I
drew
to
Bladesover
,
the
more
doubtful
I
grew
of
the
duality
of
my
reception
,
and
the
more
I
regretted
that
alternative
.
I
suppose
it
was
the
dirty
clumsiness
of
the
shipping
I
had
seen
nearly
,
that
put
me
out
of
mind
of
that
.
I
took
a
short
cut
through
the
Warren
across
the
corner
of
the
main
park
to
intercept
the
people
from
the
church
.
I
wanted
to
avoid
meeting
any
one
before
I
met
my
mother
,
and
so
I
went
to
a
place
where
the
path
passed
between
banks
,
and
without
exactly
hiding
,
stood
up
among
the
bushes
.
This
place
among
other
advantages
eliminated
any
chance
of
seeing
Lady
Drew
,
who
would
drive
round
by
the
carriage
road
.
Standing
up
to
waylay
in
this
fashion
I
had
a
queer
feeling
of
brigandage
,
as
though
I
was
some
intrusive
sort
of
bandit
among
these
orderly
things
.
It
is
the
first
time
I
remember
having
that
outlaw
feeling
distinctly
,
a
feeling
that
has
played
a
large
part
in
my
subsequent
life
.
I
felt
there
existed
no
place
for
me
that
I
had
to
drive
myself
in
.
Presently
,
down
the
hill
,
the
servants
appeared
,
straggling
by
twos
and
threes
,
first
some
of
the
garden
people
and
the
butler
's
wife
with
them
,
then
the
two
laundry
maids
,
odd
inseparable
old
creatures
,
then
the
first
footman
talking
to
the
butler
's
little
girl
,
and
at
last
,
walking
grave
and
breathless
beside
old
Ann
and
Miss
Fison
,
the
black
figure
of
my
mother
.
My
boyish
mind
suggested
the
adoption
of
a
playful
form
of
appearance
.
"
Coo-ee
,
mother
"
said
I
,
coming
out
against
the
sky
,
"
Coo-ee
!
"
My
mother
looked
up
,
went
very
white
,
and
put
her
hand
to
her
bosom
.
I
suppose
there
was
a
fearful
fuss
about
me
.
And
of
course
I
was
quite
unable
to
explain
my
reappearance
.
But
I
held
out
stoutly
,
"
I
wo
n't
go
back
to
Chatham
;
I
'll
drown
myself
first
.
"
The
next
day
my
mother
carried
me
off
to
Wimblehurst
,
took
me
fiercely
and
aggressively
to
an
uncle
I
had
never
heard
of
before
,
near
though
the
place
was
to
us
.
She
gave
me
no
word
as
to
what
was
to
happen
,
and
I
was
too
subdued
by
her
manifest
wrath
and
humiliation
at
my
last
misdemeanour
to
demand
information
.
I
do
n't
for
one
moment
think
Lady
Drew
was
"
nice
"
about
me
.
The
finality
of
my
banishment
was
endorsed
and
underlined
and
stamped
home
.
I
wished
very
much
now
that
I
had
run
away
to
sea
,
in
spite
of
the
coal
dust
and
squalour
Rochester
had
revealed
to
me
.
Perhaps
over
seas
one
came
to
different
lands
.
I
do
not
remember
much
of
my
journey
to
Wimblehurst
with
my
mother
except
the
image
of
her
as
sitting
bolt
upright
,
as
rather
disdaining
the
third-class
carriage
in
which
we
traveled
,
and
how
she
looked
away
from
me
out
of
the
window
when
she
spoke
of
my
uncle
.
"
I
have
not
seen
your
uncle
,
"
she
said
,
"
since
he
was
a
boy
...
.
"
She
added
grudgingly
,
"
Then
he
was
supposed
to
be
clever
.
"
She
took
little
interest
in
such
qualities
as
cleverness
.
"
He
married
about
three
years
ago
,
and
set
up
for
himself
in
Wimblehurst
...
.
So
I
suppose
she
had
some
money
.
"
She
mused
on
scenes
she
had
long
dismissed
from
her
mind
.
"
Teddy
,
"
she
said
at
last
in
the
tone
of
one
who
has
been
feeling
in
the
dark
and
finds
.
"
He
was
called
Teddy
...
about
your
age
...
.
Now
he
must
be
twenty-six
or
seven
.
"
I
thought
of
my
uncle
as
Teddy
directly
I
saw
him
;
there
was
something
in
his
personal
appearance
that
in
the
light
of
that
memory
phrased
itself
at
once
as
Teddiness
—
a
certain
Teddidity
.
To
describe
it
in
and
other
terms
is
more
difficult
.
It
is
nimbleness
without
grace
,
and
alertness
without
intelligence
.
He
whisked
out
of
his
shop
upon
the
pavement
,
a
short
figure
in
grey
and
wearing
grey
carpet
slippers
;
one
had
a
sense
of
a
young
fattish
face
behind
gilt
glasses
,
wiry
hair
that
stuck
up
and
forward
over
the
forehead
,
an
irregular
nose
that
had
its
aquiline
moments
,
and
that
the
body
betrayed
an
equatorial
laxity
,
an
incipient
"
bow
window
"
as
the
image
goes
.
He
jerked
out
of
the
shop
,
came
to
a
stand
on
the
pavement
outside
,
regarded
something
in
the
window
