one's
attention
like
the
sound
of
distant
guns
.
"
Tono
"
-what
's
that
?
and
deep
,
rich
,
unhurrying
;
-
"
BUN-gay
!
"
Then
came
my
uncle
's
amazing
telegram
,
his
answer
to
my
hostile
note
:
"
Come
to
me
at
once
you
are
wanted
three
hundred
a
year
certain
tono-bungay
.
"
"
By
Jove
!
"
I
cried
,
"
of
course
!
"
It
's
something-
.
A
patent-medicine
!
I
wonder
what
he
wants
with
me
.
"
In
his
Napoleonic
way
my
uncle
had
omitted
to
give
an
address
.
His
telegram
had
been
handed
in
at
Farringdon
Road
,
and
after
complex
meditations
I
replied
to
Ponderevo
,
Farringdon
Road
,
trusting
to
the
rarity
of
our
surname
to
reach
him
.
"
Where
are
you
?
"
I
asked
.
His
reply
came
promptly
:
"
192A
,
Raggett
Street
,
E.C.
"
The
next
day
I
took
an
unsanctioned
holiday
after
the
morning
's
lecture
.
I
discovered
my
uncle
in
a
wonderfully
new
silk
hat-oh
,
a
splendid
hat
!
with
a
rolling
brim
that
went
beyond
the
common
fashion
.
It
was
decidedly
too
big
for
him-that
was
its
only
fault
.
It
was
stuck
on
the
back
of
his
head
,
and
he
was
in
a
white
waistcoat
and
shirt
sleeves
.
He
welcomed
me
with
a
forgetfulness
of
my
bitter
satire
and
my
hostile
abstinence
that
was
almost
divine
.
His
glasses
fell
off
at
the
sight
of
me
.
His
round
inexpressive
eyes
shone
brightly
.
He
held
out
his
plump
short
hand
.
"
Here
we
are
,
George
!
What
did
I
tell
you
?
Need
n't
whisper
it
now
,
my
boy
.
Shout
it-LOUD
!
spread
it
about
!
Tell
every
one
!
Tono-TONO-
,
TONO-BUNGAY
!
"
Raggett
Street
,
you
must
understand
,
was
a
thoroughfare
over
which
some
one
had
distributed
large
quantities
of
cabbage
stumps
and
leaves
.
It
opened
out
of
the
upper
end
of
Farringdon
Street
,
and
192A
was
a
shop
with
the
plate-glass
front
coloured
chocolate
,
on
which
several
of
the
same
bills
I
had
read
upon
the
hoardings
had
been
stuck
.
The
floor
was
covered
by
street
mud
that
had
been
brought
in
on
dirty
boots
,
and
three
energetic
young
men
of
the
hooligan
type
,
in
neck-wraps
and
caps
,
were
packing
wooden
cases
with
papered-up
bottles
,
amidst
much
straw
and
confusion
.
The
counter
was
littered
with
these
same
swathed
bottles
,
of
a
pattern
then
novel
but
now
amazingly
familiar
in
the
world
,
the
blue
paper
with
the
coruscating
figure
of
a
genially
nude
giant
,
and
the
printed
directions
of
how
under
practically
all
circumstances
to
take
Tono-Bungay
.
Beyond
the
counter
on
one
side
opened
a
staircase
down
which
I
seem
to
remember
a
girl
descending
with
a
further
consignment
of
bottles
,
and
the
rest
of
the
background
was
a
high
partition
,
also
chocolate
,
with
"
Temporary
Laboratory
"
inscribed
upon
it
in
white
letters
,
and
over
a
door
that
pierced
it
,
"
Office
.
"
Here
I
rapped
,
inaudible
amid
much
hammering
,
and
then
entered
unanswered
to
find
my
uncle
,
dressed
as
I
have
described
,
one
hand
gripping
a
sheath
of
letters
,
and
the
other
scratching
his
head
as
he
dictated
to
one
of
three
toiling
typewriter
girls
.
Behind
him
was
a
further
partition
and
a
door
inscribed
"
ABSOLUTELY
PRIVATE-NO
ADMISSION
,
"
thereon
.
This
partition
was
of
wood
painted
the
universal
chocolate
,
up
to
about
eight
feet
from
the
ground
,
and
then
of
glass
.
Through
the
glass
I
saw
dimly
a
crowded
suggestion
of
crucibles
and
glass
retorts
,
and-by
Jove
!
-yes
!
-the
dear
old
Wimblehurst
air-pump
still
!
It
gave
me
quite
a
little
thrill-that
air-pump
!
And
beside
it
was
the
electrical
machine-but
something-some
serious
trouble-had
happened
to
that
.
All
these
were
evidently
placed
on
a
shelf
just
at
the
level
to
show
.
"
Come
right
into
the
sanctum
,
"
said
my
uncle
,
after
he
had
finished
something
about
"
esteemed
consideration
,
"
and
whisked
me
through
the
door
into
a
room
that
quite
amazingly
failed
to
verify
the
promise
of
that
apparatus
.
It
was
papered
with
dingy
wall-paper
that
had
peeled
in
places
;
it
contained
a
fireplace
,
an
easy-chair
with
a
cushion
,
a
table
on
which
stood
two
or
three
big
bottles
,
a
number
of
cigar-boxes
on
the
mantel
,
whisky
Tantalus
and
a
row
of
soda
syphons
.
He
shut
the
door
after
me
carefully
.
"
Well
,
here
we
are
!
"
he
said
.
"
Going
strong
!
Have
a
whisky
,
George
?
No
!
-Wise
man
!
Neither
will
I
!
You
see
me
at
it
!
At
it-hard
!
"
"
Hard
at
what
?
"
"
Read
it
,
"
and
he
thrust
into
my
hand
a
label-that
label
that
has
now
become
one
of
the
most
familiar
objects
of
the
chemist
's
shop
,
the
greenish-blue
rather
old-fashioned
bordering
,
the
legend
,
the
name
in
good
black
type
,
very
clear
,
and
the
strong
man
all
set
about
with
lightning
flashes
above
the
double
column
of
skilful
lies
in
red-the
label
of
Tono-Bungay
.
"
It
's
afloat
,
"
he
said
,
as
I
stood
puzzling
at
this
.
"
It
's
afloat
.
I
'm
afloat
!
"
And
suddenly
he
burst
out
singing
in
that
throaty
tenor
of
his-
"
I
'm
afloat
,
I
'm
afloat
on
the
fierce
flowing
tide
,
The
ocean
's
my
home
and
my
bark
is
my
bride
!
"
Ripping
song
that
is
,
George
.
Not
so
much
a
bark
as
a
solution
,
but
still-it
does
!
Here
we
are
at
it
!
By-the-by
!
Half
a
mo
'
!
I
've
thought
of
a
thing
.
"
He
whisked
out
,
leaving
me
to
examine
this
nuclear
spot
at
leisure
while
his
voice
became
dictatorial
without
.
The
den
struck
me
as
in
its
large
grey
dirty
way
quite
unprecedented
and
extraordinary
.
The
bottles
were
all
labelled
simply
A
,
B
,
C
,
and
so
forth
,
and
that
dear
old
apparatus
above
,
seen
from
this
side
,
was
even
more
patiently
"
on
the
shelf
"
than
when
it
had
been
used
to
impress
Wimblehurst
.
I
saw
nothing
for
it
but
to
sit
down
in
the
chair
and
await
my
uncle
's
explanations
.
I
remarked
a
frock-coat
with
satin
lapels
behind
the
door
;
there
was
a
dignified
umbrella
in
the
corner
and
a
clothes-brush
and
a
hat-brush
stood
on
a
side-table
.
My
uncle
returned
in
five
minutes
looking
at
his
watch-a
gold
watch-
"
Gettin
'
lunch-time
,
George
,
"
he
said
.
"
You
'd
better
come
and
have
lunch
with
me
!
"
"
How
's
Aunt
Susan
?
"
I
asked
.
"
Exuberant
.
Never
saw
her
so
larky
.
This
has
bucked
her
up
something
wonderful-all
this
.
"
"
All
what
?
"
"
Tono-Bungay
.
"
"
What
is
Tono-Bungay
?
"
I
asked
.
My
uncle
hesitated
.
"
Tell
you
after
lunch
,
George
,
"
he
said
.
"
Come
along
!
"
and
having
locked
up
the
sanctum
after
himself
,
led
the
way
along
a
narrow
dirty
pavement
,
lined
with
barrows
and
swept
at
times
by
avalanche-like
porters
bearing
burthens
to
vans
,
to
Farringdon
Street
.
He
hailed
a
passing
cab
superbly
,
and
the
cabman
was
infinitely
respectful
.
"
Schafer
's
,
"
he
said
,
and
off
we
went
side
by
side-and
with
me
more
and
more
amazed
at
all
these
things-to
Schafer
's
Hotel
,
the
second
of
the
two
big
places
with
huge
lace
curtain-covered
windows
,
near
the
corner
of
Blackfriars
Bridge
.
I
will
confess
I
felt
a
magic
charm
in
our
relative
proportions
as
the
two
colossal
,
pale-blue-and-red
liveried
porters
of
Schafers
'
held
open
the
inner
doors
for
us
with
a
respectful
salutation
that
in
some
manner
they
seemed
to
confine
wholly
to
my
uncle
.
Instead
of
being
about
four
inches
taller
,
I
felt
at
least
the
same
size
as
he
,
and
very
much
slenderer
.
Still
more
respectful-waiters
relieved
him
of
the
new
hat
and
the
dignified
umbrella
,
and
took
his
orders
for
our
lunch
.
He
gave
them
with
a
fine
assurance
.
He
nodded
to
several
of
the
waiters
.
"
They
know
me
,
George
,
already
,
"
he
said
.
"
Point
me
out
.
Live
place
!
Eye
for
coming
men
!
"
The
detailed
business
of
the
lunch
engaged
our
attention
for
a
while
,
and
then
I
leant
across
my
plate
.
"
And
NOW
?
"
said
I
.
"
It
's
the
secret
of
vigour
.
Did
n't
you
read
that
label
?
"
"
Yes
,
but-
"
"
It
's
selling
like
hot
cakes
.
"
"
And
what
is
it
?
"
I
pressed
.
"
Well
,
"
said
my
uncle
,
and
then
leant
forward
and
spoke
softly
under
cover
of
his
hand
,
"
It
's
nothing
more
or
less
than
...
"
(
But
here
an
unfortunate
scruple
intervenes
.
After
all
,
Tono-Bungay
is
still
a
marketable
commodity
and
in
the
hands
of
purchasers
,
who
bought
it
from-among
other
vendors-me
.
No
!
I
am
afraid
I
cannot
give
it
away-
)
"
You
see
,
"
said
my
uncle
in
a
slow
confidential
whisper
,
with
eyes
very
wide
and
a
creased
forehead
,
"
it
's
nice
because
of
the
"
(
here
he
mentioned
a
flavouring
matter
and
an
aromatic
spirit
)
,
"
it
's
stimulating
because
of
"
(
here
he
mentioned
two
very
vivid
tonics
,
one
with
a
marked
action
on
the
kidney
.
)
"
And
the
"
(
here
he
mentioned
two
other
ingredients
)
"
makes
it
pretty
intoxicating
.
Cocks
their
tails
.
Then
there
's
"
(
but
I
touch
on
the
essential
secret
.
)
"
And
there
you
are
.
I
got
it
out
of
an
old
book
of
recipes-all
except
the
"
(
here
he
mentioned
the
more
virulent
substance
,
the
one
that
assails
the
kidneys
)
,
"
which
is
my
idea
!
Modern
touch
!
There
you
are
!
"
He
reverted
to
the
direction
of
our
lunch
.
Presently
he
was
leading
the
way
to
the
lounge-sumptuous
piece
in
red
morocco
and
yellow
glazed
crockery
,
with
incredible
vistas
of
settees
and
sofas
and
things
,
and
there
I
found
myself
grouped
with
him
in
two
excessively
upholstered
chairs
with
an
earthenware
Moorish
table
between
us
bearing
coffee
and
Benedictine
,
and
I
was
tasting
the
delights
of
a
tenpenny
cigar
.
My
uncle
smoked
a
similar
cigar
in
an
habituated
manner
,
and
he
looked
energetic
and
knowing
and
luxurious
and
most
unexpectedly
a
little
bounder
,
round
the
end
of
it
.
It
was
just
a
trivial
flaw
upon
our
swagger
,
perhaps
that
we
both
were
clear
our
cigars
had
to
be
"
mild
.
"
He
got
obliquely
across
the
spaces
of
his
great
armchair
so
as
to
incline
confidentially
to
my
ear
,
he
curled
up
his
little
legs
,
and
I
,
in
my
longer
way
,
adopted
a
corresponding
receptive
obliquity
.
I
felt
that
we
should
strike
an
unbiased
observer
as
a
couple
of
very
deep
and
wily
and
developing
and
repulsive
persons
.
"
I
want
to
let
you
into
this
"
-puff-
"
George
,
"
said
my
uncle
round
the
end
of
his
cigar
.
"
For
many
reasons
.
"
His
voice
grew
lower
and
more
cunning
.
He
made
explanations
that
to
my
inexperience
did
not
completely
explain
.
I
retain
an
impression
of
a
long
credit
and
a
share
with
a
firm
of
wholesale
chemists
,
of
a
credit
and
a
prospective
share
with
some
pirate
printers
,
of
a
third
share
for
a
leading
magazine
and
newspaper
proprietor
.
"
I
played
'
em
off
one
against
the
other
,
"
said
my
uncle
.
I
took
his
point
in
an
instant
.
He
had
gone
to
each
of
them
in
turn
and
said
the
others
had
come
in
.
"
I
put
up
four
hundred
pounds
,
"
said
my
uncle
,
"
myself
and
my
all
.
And
you
know-
"
He
assumed
a
brisk
confidence
.
"
I
had
n't
five
hundred
pence
.
At
least-
"
For
a
moment
he
really
was
just
a
little
embarrassed
.
"
I
DID
"
he
said
,
"
produce
capital
.
You
see
,
there
was
that
trust
affair
of
yours-I
ought
,
I
suppose-in
strict
legality-to
have
put
that
straight
first
.
Zzzz
...
.
"
It
was
a
bold
thing
to
do
,
"
said
my
uncle
,
shifting
the
venue
from
the
region
of
honour
to
the
region
of
courage
.
And
then
with
a
characteristic
outburst
of
piety
,
"
Thank
God
it
's
all
come
right
!
"
And
now
,
I
suppose
,
you
ask
where
do
YOU
come
in
?
Well
,
fact
is
I
've
always
believed
in
you
,
George
.
You
've
got-it
's
a
sort
of
dismal
grit
.
Bark
your
shins
,
rouse
you
,
and
you
'll
go
!
You
'd
rush
any
position
you
had
a
mind
to
rush
.
I
know
a
bit
about
character
,
George-trust
me
.
You
've
got-
"
He
clenched
his
hands
and
thrust
them
out
suddenly
,
and
at
the
same
time
said
,
with
explosive
violence
,
"
Wooosh
!
Yes
.
You
have
!
The
way
you
put
away
that
Latin
at
Wimblehurst
;
I
've
never
forgotten
it
.
"
Wo-oo-oo-osh
!
Your
science
and
all
that
!
Wo-oo-oo-osh
!
I
know
my
limitations
.
There
's
things
I
can
do
,
and
"
(
he
spoke
in
a
whisper
,
as
though
this
was
the
first
hint
of
his
life
's
secret
)
"
there
's
things
I
ca
n't
.
Well
,
I
can
create
this
business
,
but
I
ca
n't
make
it
go
.
I
'm
too
voluminous-I
'm
a
boiler-over
,
not
a
simmering
stick-at-it
.
You
keep
on
HOTTING
UP
AND
HOTTING
UP
.
Papin
's
digester
.
That
's
you
,
steady
and
long
and
piling
up
,
-then
,
wo-oo-oo-oo-osh
.
Come
in
and
stiffen
these
niggers
.
Teach
them
that
wo-oo-oo-oo-osh
.
There
you
are
!
That
's
what
I
'm
after
.
You
!
Nobody
else
believes
you
're
more
than
a
boy
.
Come
right
in
with
me
and
be
a
man
.
Eh
,
George
?
Think
of
the
fun
of
it-a
thing
on
the
go-a
Real
Live
Thing
!
Wooshing
it
up
!
Making
it
buzz
and
spin
!
Whoo-oo-oo
.
"
-He
made
alluring
expanding
circles
in
the
air
with
his
hand
.
"
Eh
?
"
His
proposal
,
sinking
to
confidential
undertones
again
,
took
more
definite
shape
.
I
was
to
give
all
my
time
and
energy
to
developing
and
organising
.
"
You
sha
n't
write
a
single
advertisement
,
or
give
a
single
assurance
"
he
declared
.
"
I
can
do
all
that
.
"
And
the
telegram
was
no
flourish
;
I
was
to
have
three
hundred
a
year
.
Three
hundred
a
year
.
(
"
That
's
nothing
,
"
said
my
uncle
,
"
the
thing
to
freeze
on
to
,
when
the
time
comes
,
is
your
tenth
of
the
vendor
's
share
.
"
)
Three
hundred
a
year
certain
,
anyhow
!
It
was
an
enormous
income
to
me
.
For
a
moment
I
was
altogether
staggered
.
Could
there
be
that
much
money
in
the
whole
concern
?
I
looked
about
me
at
the
sumptuous
furniture
of
Schafer
's
Hotel
.
No
doubt
there
were
many
such
incomes
.
My
head
was
spinning
with
unwonted
Benedictine
and
Burgundy
.
"
Let
me
go
back
and
look
at
the
game
again
,
"
I
said
.
"
Let
me
see
upstairs
and
round
about
.
"
I
did
.
"
What
do
you
think
of
it
all
?
"
my
uncle
asked
at
last
.
"
Well
,
for
one
thing
,
"
I
said
,
"
why
do
n't
you
have
those
girls
working
in
a
decently
ventilated
room
?
Apart
from
any
other
consideration
,
they
'd
work
twice
as
briskly
.
And
they
ought
to
cover
the
corks
before
labelling
round
the
bottle
.
"
"
Why
?
"
said
my
uncle
.
"
Because-they
sometimes
make
a
mucker
of
the
cork
job
,
and
then
the
label
's
wasted
.
"
"
Come
and
change
it
,
George
,
"
said
my
uncle
,
with
sudden
fervour
"
Come
here
and
make
a
machine
of
it
.
You
can
.
Make
it
all
slick
,
and
then
make
it
woosh
.
I
know
you
can
.
Oh
!
I
know
you
can
.
"
I
seem
to
remember
very
quick
changes
of
mind
after
that
lunch
.
The
muzzy
exaltation
of
the
unaccustomed
stimulants
gave
way
very
rapidly
to
a
model
of
pellucid
and
impartial
clairvoyance
which
is
one
of
my
habitual
mental
states
.
It
is
intermittent
;
it
leaves
me
for
weeks
together
,
I
know
,
but
back
it
comes
at
last
like
justice
on
circuit
,
and
calls
up
all
my
impression
,
all
my
illusions
,
all
my
willful
and
passionate
proceedings
.
We
came
downstairs
again
into
that
inner
room
which
pretended
to
be
a
scientific
laboratory
through
its
high
glass
lights
,
and
indeed
was
a
lurking
place
.
My
uncle
pressed
a
cigarette
on
me
,
and
I
took
it
and
stood
before
the
empty
fireplace
while
he
propped
his
umbrella
in
the
corner
,
deposited
the
new
silk
hat
that
was
a
little
too
big
for
him
on
the
table
,
blew
copiously
and
produced
a
second
cigar
.
It
came
into
my
head
that
he
had
shrunken
very
much
in
size
since
the
Wimblehurst
days
,
that
the
cannon
ball
he
had
swallowed
was
rather
more
evident
and
shameless
than
it
had
been
,
his
skin
less
fresh
and
the
nose
between
his
glasses
,
which
still
did
n't
quite
fit
,
much
redder
.
And
just
then
he
seemed
much
laxer
in
his
muscles
and
not
quite
as
alertly
quick
in
his
movements
.
But
he
evidently
was
n't
aware
of
the
degenerative
nature
of
his
changes
as
he
sat
there
,
looking
suddenly
quite
little
under
my
eyes
.
"
Well
,
George
!
"
he
said
,
quite
happily
unconscious
of
my
silent
criticism
,
"
what
do
you
think
of
it
all
?
"
"
Well
,
"
I
said
,
"
in
the
first
place-it
's
a
damned
swindle
!
"
"
Tut
!
tut
!
"
said
my
uncle
.
"
It
's
as
straight
as-It
's
fair
trading
!
"
"
So
much
the
worse
for
trading
,
"
I
said
.
"
It
's
the
sort
of
thing
everybody
does
.
After
all
,
there
's
no
harm
in
the
stuff-and
it
may
do
good
.
It
might
do
a
lot
of
good-giving
people
confidence
,
f'rinstance
,
against
an
epidemic
.
See
?
Why
not
?
do
n't
see
where
your
swindle
comes
in
.
"
"
H
'm
,
"
I
said
.
"
It
's
a
thing
you
either
see
or
do
n't
see
.
"
"
I
'd
like
to
know
what
sort
of
trading
is
n't
a
swindle
in
its
way
.
Everybody
who
does
a
large
advertised
trade
is
selling
something
common
on
the
strength
of
saying
it
's
uncommon
.
Look
at
Chickson-they
made
him
a
baronet
.
Look
at
Lord
Radmore
,
who
did
it
on
lying
about
the
alkali
in
soap
!
Rippin
'
ads
those
were
of
his
too
!
"
"
You
do
n't
mean
to
say
you
think
doing
this
stuff
up
in
bottles
and
swearing
it
's
the
quintessence
of
strength
and
making
poor
devils
buy
it
at
that
,
is
straight
?
"
"
Why
not
,
George
?
How
do
we
know
it
may
n't
be
the
quintessence
to
them
so
far
as
they
're
concerned
?
"
"
Oh
!
"
I
said
,
and
shrugged
my
shoulders
.
"
There
's
Faith
.
You
put
Faith
in
'
em
...
.
I
grant
our
labels
are
a
bit
emphatic
.
Christian
Science
,
really
.
No
good
setting
people
against
the
medicine
.
Tell
me
a
solitary
trade
nowadays
that
has
n't
to
be-emphatic
.
It
's
the
modern
way
!
Everybody
understands
it-everybody
allows
for
it
.
"
"
But
the
world
would
be
no
worse
and
rather
better
,
if
all
this
stuff
of
yours
was
run
down
a
conduit
into
the
Thames
.
"
"
Do
n't
see
that
,
George
,
at
all
.
'
Mong
other
things
,
all
our
people
would
be
out
of
work
.
Unemployed
!
I
grant
you
Tono-Bungay
MAY
be-not
QUITE
so
good
a
find
for
the
world
as
Peruvian
bark
,
but
the
point
is
,
George-it
MAKES
TRADE
!
And
the
world
lives
on
trade
.
Commerce
!
A
romantic
exchange
of
commodities
and
property
.
Romance
.
'
Magination
.
See
?
You
must
look
at
these
things
in
a
broad
light
.
Look
at
the
wood-and
forget
the
trees
!
And
hang
it
,
George
!
we
got
to
do
these
things
!
There
's
no
way
unless
you
do
.
What
do
YOU
mean
to
do-anyhow
?
"
"
There
's
ways
of
living
,
"
I
said
,
"
Without
either
fraud
or
lying
.
"
"
You
're
a
bit
stiff
,
George
.
There
's
no
fraud
in
this
affair
,
I
'll
bet
my
hat
.
But
what
do
you
propose
to
do
?
Go
as
chemist
to
some
one
who
IS
running
a
business
,
and
draw
a
salary
without
a
share
like
I
offer
you
.
Much
sense
in
that
!
It
comes
out
of
the
swindle
as
you
call
it-just
the
same
.
"
"
Some
businesses
are
straight
and
quiet
,
anyhow
;
supply
a
sound
article
that
is
really
needed
,
do
n't
shout
advertisements
.
"
"
No
,
George
.
There
you
're
behind
the
times
.
The
last
of
that
sort
was
sold
up
'
bout
five
years
ago
.
"
"
Well
,
there
's
scientific
research
.
"
"
And
who
pays
for
that
?
Who
put
up
that
big
City
and
Guilds
place
at
South
Kensington
?
Enterprising
business
men
!
They
fancy
they
'll
have
a
bit
of
science
going
on
,
they
want
a
handy
Expert
ever
and
again
,
and
there
you
are
!
And
what
do
you
get
for
research
when
you
've
done
it
?
Just
a
bare
living
and
no
outlook
.
They
just
keep
you
to
make
discoveries
,
and
if
they
fancy
they
'll
use
'
em
they
do
.
"
"
One
can
teach
.
"
"
How
much
a
year
,
George
?
How
much
a
year
?
I
suppose
you
must
respect
Carlyle
!
Well
,
you
take
Carlyle
's
test-solvency
.
(
Lord
!
what
a
book
that
French
Revolution
of
his
is
!
)
See
what
the
world
pays
teachers
and
discoverers
and
what
it
pays
business
men
!
That
shows
the
ones
it
really
wants
.
There
's
a
justice
in
these
big
things
,
George
,
over
and
above
the
apparent
injustice
.
I
tell
you
it
wants
trade
.
It
's
Trade
that
makes
the
world
go
round
!
Argosies
!
Venice
!
Empire
!
"
My
uncle
suddenly
rose
to
his
feet
.
"
You
think
it
over
,
George
.
You
think
it
over
!
And
come
up
on
Sunday
to
the
new
place-we
got
rooms
in
Gower
Street
now-and
see
your
aunt
.
She
's
often
asked
for
you
,
George
often
and
often
,
and
thrown
it
up
at
me
about
that
bit
of
property-though
I
've
always
said
and
always
will
,
that
twenty-five
shillings
in
the
pound
is
what
I
'll
pay
you
and
interest
up
to
the
nail
.
And
think
it
over
.
It
is
n't
me
I
ask
you
to
help
.
It
's
yourself
.
It
's
your
aunt
Susan
.
It
's
the
whole
concern
.
It
's
the
commerce
of
your
country
.
And
we
want
you
badly
.
I
tell
you
straight
,
I
know
my
limitations
.
You
could
take
this
place
,
you
could
make
it
go
!
I
can
see
you
at
it-looking
rather
sour
.
Woosh
is
the
word
,
George
.
"
And
he
smiled
endearingly
.
"
I
got
to
dictate
a
letter
,
"
he
said
,
ending
the
smile
,
and
vanished
into
the
outer
room
.
I
did
n't
succumb
without
a
struggle
to
my
uncle
's
allurements
.
Indeed
,
I
held
out
for
a
week
while
I
contemplated
life
and
my
prospects
.
It
was
a
crowded
and
muddled
contemplation
.
It
invaded
even
my
sleep
.
My
interview
with
the
Registrar
,
my
talk
with
my
uncle
,
my
abrupt
discovery
of
the
hopeless
futility
of
my
passion
for
Marion
,
had
combined
to
bring
me
to
sense
of
crisis
.
What
was
I
going
to
do
with
life
?
I
remember
certain
phases
of
my
indecisions
very
well
.
I
remember
going
home
from
our
talk
.
I
went
down
Farringdon
Street
to
the
Embankment
because
I
thought
to
go
home
by
Holborn
and
Oxford
Street
would
be
too
crowded
for
thinking
...
.
That
piece
of
Embankment
from
Blackfriars
to
Westminster
still
reminds
me
of
that
momentous
hesitation
.
You
know
,
from
first
to
last
,
I
saw
the
business
with
my
eyes
open
,
I
saw
its
ethical
and
moral
values
quite
clearly
.
Never
for
a
moment
do
I
remember
myself
faltering
from
my
persuasion
that
the
sale
of
Tono-Bungay
was
a
thoroughly
dishonest
proceeding
.
The
stuff
was
,
I
perceived
,
a
mischievous
trash
,
slightly
stimulating
,
aromatic
and
attractive
,
likely
to
become
a
bad
habit
and
train
people
in
the
habitual
use
of
stronger
tonics
and
insidiously
dangerous
to
people
with
defective
kidneys
.
It
would
cost
about
sevenpence
the
large
bottle
to
make
,
including
bottling
,
and
we
were
to
sell
it
at
half
a
crown
plus
the
cost
of
the
patent
medicine
stamp
.
A
thing
that
I
will
confess
deterred
me
from
the
outset
far
more
than
the
sense
of
dishonesty
in
this
affair
,
was
the
supreme
silliness
of
the
whole
concern
.
I
still
clung
to
the
idea
that
the
world
of
men
was
or
should
be
a
sane
and
just
organisation
,
and
the
idea
that
I
should
set
myself
gravely
,
just
at
the
fine
springtime
of
my
life
,
to
developing
a
monstrous
bottling
and
packing
warehouse
,
bottling
rubbish
for
the
consumption
of
foolish
,
credulous
and
depressed
people
,
had
in
it
a
touch
of
insanity
.
My
early
beliefs
still
clung
to
me
.
I
felt
assured
that
somewhere
there
must
be
a
hitch
in
the
fine
prospect
of
ease
and
wealth
under
such
conditions
;
that
somewhere
,
a
little
overgrown
,
perhaps
,
but
still
traceable
,
lay
a
neglected
,
wasted
path
of
use
and
honour
for
me
.
My
inclination
to
refuse
the
whole
thing
increased
rather
than
diminished
at
first
as
I
went
along
the
Embankment
.
In
my
uncle
's
presence
there
had
been
a
sort
of
glamour
that
had
prevented
an
outright
refusal
.
It
was
a
revival
of
affection
for
him
I
felt
in
his
presence
,
I
think
,
in
part
,
and
in
part
an
instinctive
feeling
that
I
must
consider
him
as
my
host
.
But
much
more
was
it
a
curious
persuasion
he
had
the
knack
of
inspiring-a
persuasion
not
so
much
of
his
integrity
and
capacity
as
of
the
reciprocal
and
yielding
foolishness
of
the
world
.
One
felt
that
he
was
silly
and
wild
,
but
in
some
way
silly
and
wild
after
the
fashion
of
the
universe
.
After
all
,
one
must
live
somehow
.
I
astonished
him
and
myself
by
temporising
.
"
No
,
"
said
I
,
"
I
'll
think
it
over
!
"
And
as
I
went
along
the
embankment
the
first
effect
was
all
against
my
uncle
.
He
shrank-for
a
little
while
he
continued
to
shrink-in
perspective
until
he
was
only
a
very
small
shabby
little
man
in
a
dirty
back
street
,
sending
off
a
few
hundred
bottles
of
rubbish
to
foolish
buyers
.
The
great
buildings
on
the
right
of
us
,
the
Inns
and
the
School
Board
place-as
it
was
then-Somerset
House
,
the
big
hotels
,
the
great
bridges
,
Westminster
's
outlines
ahead
,
had
an
effect
of
grey
largeness
that
reduced
him
to
the
proportions
of
a
busy
black
beetle
in
a
crack
in
the
floor
.
And
then
my
eye
caught
the
advertisements
on
the
south
side
of
"
Sorber
's
Food
,
"
of
"
Cracknell
's
Ferric
Wine
,
"
very
bright
and
prosperous
signs
,
illuminated
at
night
,
and
I
realised
how
astonishingly
they
looked
at
home
there
,
how
evidently
part
they
were
in
the
whole
thing
.
I
saw
a
man
come
charging
out
of
Palace
Yard-the
policeman
touched
his
helmet
to
him-with
a
hat
and
a
bearing
astonishingly
like
my
uncle
's
.
After
all
,
-did
n't
Cracknell
himself
sit
in
the
House
?
Tono-Bungay
shouted
at
me
from
a
hoarding
near
Adelphi
Terrace
;
I
saw
it
afar
off
near
Carfax
Street
;
it
cried
out
again
upon
me
in
Kensington
High
Street
,
and
burst
into
a
perfect
clamour
;
six
or
seven
times
I
saw
it
as
I
drew
near
my
diggings
.
It
certainly
had
an
air
of
being
something
more
than
a
dream
.
Yes
,
I
thought
it
over-thoroughly
enough
...
.
Trade
rules
the
world
.
Wealth
rather
than
trade
!
The
thing
was
true
,
and
true
too
was
my
uncle
's
proposition
that
the
quickest
way
to
get
wealth
is
to
sell
the
cheapest
thing
possible
in
the
dearest
bottle
.
He
was
frightfully
right
after
all
.
Pecunnia
non
olet
,
-a
Roman
emperor
said
that
.
Perhaps
my
great
heroes
in
Plutarch
were
no
more
than
such
men
,
fine
now
only
because
they
are
distant
;
perhaps
after
all
this
Socialism
to
which
I
had
been
drawn
was
only
a
foolish
dream
,
only
the
more
foolish
because
all
its
promises
were
conditionally
true
.
Morris
and
these
others
played
with
it
wittingly
;
it
gave
a
zest
,
a
touch
of
substance
,
to
their
aesthetic
pleasures
.
Never
would
there
be
good
faith
enough
to
bring
such
things
about
.
They
knew
it
;
every
one
,
except
a
few
young
fools
,
knew
it
.
As
I
crossed
the
corner
of
St.
James
's
Park
wrapped
in
thought
,
I
dodged
back
just
in
time
to
escape
a
prancing
pair
of
greys
.
A
stout
,
common-looking
woman
,
very
magnificently
dressed
,
regarded
me
from
the
carriage
with
a
scornful
eye
.
"
No
doubt
,
"
thought
I
,
"
a
pill-vendor
's
wife
...
.
"
Running
through
all
my
thoughts
,
surging
out
like
a
refrain
,
was
my
uncle
's
master-stroke
,
his
admirable
touch
of
praise
:
"
Make
it
all
slick-and
then
make
it
go
Woosh
.
I
know
you
can
!
Oh
!
I
KNOW
you
can
!
"
Ewart
as
a
moral
influence
was
unsatisfactory
.
I
had
made
up
my
mind
to
put
the
whole
thing
before
him
,
partly
to
see
how
he
took
it
,
and
partly
to
hear
how
it
sounded
when
it
was
said
.
I
asked
him
to
come
and
eat
with
me
in
an
Italian
place
near
Panton
Street
where
one
could
get
a
curious
,
interesting
,
glutting
sort
of
dinner
for
eighteen-pence
.
He
came
with
a
disconcerting
black-eye
that
he
would
n't
explain
.
"
Not
so
much
a
black-eye
,
"
he
said
,
"
as
the
aftermath
of
a
purple
patch
...
.
What
's
your
difficulty
?
"
"
I
'll
tell
you
with
the
salad
,
"
I
said
.
But
as
a
matter
of
fact
I
did
n't
tell
him
.
I
threw
out
that
I
was
doubtful
whether
I
ought
to
go
into
trade
,
or
stick
to
teaching
in
view
of
my
deepening
socialist
proclivities
;
and
he
,
warming
with
the
unaccustomed
generosity
of
a
sixteen-penny
Chianti
,
ran
on
from
that
without
any
further
inquiry
as
to
my
trouble
.
His
utterances
roved
wide
and
loose
.
"
The
reality
of
life
,
my
dear
Ponderevo
,
"
I
remember
him
saying
very
impressively
and
punctuating
with
the
nut-crackers
as
he
spoke
,
"
is
Chromatic
Conflict
...
and
Form
.
Get
hold
of
that
and
let
all
these
other
questions
go
.
The
Socialist
will
tell
you
one
sort
of
colour
and
shape
is
right
,
the
Individualist
another
.
What
does
it
all
amount
to
?
What
DOES
it
all
amount
to
?
NOTHING
!
I
have
no
advice
to
give
anyone
,
-except
to
avoid
regrets
.
Be
yourself
,
seek
after
such
beautiful
things
as
your
own
sense
determines
to
be
beautiful
.
And
do
n't
mind
the
headache
in
the
morning
...
.
For
what
,
after
all
,
is
a
morning
,
Ponderevo
?
It
is
n't
like
the
upper
part
of
a
day
!
"
He
paused
impressively
.
"
What
Rot
!
"
I
cried
,
after
a
confused
attempt
to
apprehend
him
.
"
Is
n't
it
!
And
it
's
my
bedrock
wisdom
in
the
matter
!
Take
it
or
leave
it
,
my
dear
George
;
take
it
or
leave
it
.
"
...
He
put
down
the
nut-crackers
out
of
my
reach
and
lugged
a
greasy-looking
note-book
from
his
pocket
.
"
I
'm
going
to
steal
this
mustard
pot
,
"
he
said
.
I
made
noises
of
remonstrance
.
"
Only
as
a
matter
of
design
.
I
've
got
to
do
an
old
beast
's
tomb
.
"
Wholesale
grocer
.
I
'll
put
it
on
his
corners
,
-four
mustard
pots
.
I
dare
say
he
'd
be
glad
of
a
mustard
plaster
now
to
cool
him
,
poor
devil
,
where
he
is
.
But
anyhow
,
-here
goes
!
"
It
came
to
me
in
the
small
hours
that
the
real
moral
touchstone
for
this
great
doubting
of
mind
was
Marion
.
I
lay
composing
statements
of
my
problem
and
imagined
myself
delivering
them
to
her-and
she
,
goddess-like
and
beautiful
;
giving
her
fine
,
simply-worded
judgment
.
"
You
see
,
it
's
just
to
give
one
's
self
over
to
the
Capitalistic
System
,
"
I
imagined
myself
saying
in
good
Socialist
jargon
;
"
it
's
surrendering
all
one
's
beliefs
.
We
MAY
succeed
,
we
MAY
grow
rich
,
but
where
would
the
satisfaction
be
?
"
Then
she
would
say
,
"
No
!
That
would
n't
be
right
.
"
"
But
the
alternative
is
to
wait
!
"
Then
suddenly
she
would
become
a
goddess
.
She
would
turn
upon
me
frankly
and
nobly
,
with
shining
eyes
,
with
arms
held
out
.
"
No
,
"
she
would
say
,
"
we
love
one
another
.
Nothing
ignoble
shall
ever
touch
us
.
We
love
one
another
.
Why
wait
to
tell
each
other
that
,
dear
?
What
does
it
matter
that
we
are
poor
and
may
keep
poor
?
"
But
indeed
the
conversation
did
n't
go
at
all
in
that
direction
.
At
the
sight
of
her
my
nocturnal
eloquence
became
preposterous
and
all
the
moral
values
altered
altogether
.
I
had
waited
for
her
outside
the
door
of
the
Parsian-robe
establishment
in
Kensington
High
Street
and
walked
home
with
her
thence
.
I
remember
how
she
emerged
into
the
warm
evening
light
and
that
she
wore
a
brown
straw
hat
that
made
her
,
for
once
not
only
beautiful
but
pretty
.
"
I
like
that
hat
,
"
I
said
by
way
of
opening
;
and
she
smiled
her
rare
delightful
smile
at
me
.
"
I
love
you
,
"
I
said
in
an
undertone
,
as
we
jostled
closer
on
the
pavement
.
She
shook
her
head
forbiddingly
,
but
she
still
smiled
.
Then-
"
Be
sensible
!
"
The
High
Street
pavement
is
too
narrow
and
crowded
for
conversation
and
we
were
some
way
westward
before
we
spoke
again
.
"
Look
here
,
"
I
said
;
"
I
want
you
,
Marion
.
Do
n't
you
understand
?
I
want
you
.
"
"
Now
!
"
she
cried
warningly
.
I
do
not
know
if
the
reader
will
understand
how
a
passionate
lover
,
an
immense
admiration
and
desire
,
can
be
shot
with
a
gleam
of
positive
hatred
.
Such
a
gleam
there
was
in
me
at
the
serene
self-complacency
of
that
"
NOW
!
"
It
vanished
almost
before
I
felt
it
.
I
found
no
warning
in
it
of
the
antagonisms
latent
between
us
.
"
Marion
,
"
I
said
,
"
this
is
n't
a
trifling
matter
to
me
.
I
love
you
;
I
would
die
to
get
you
...
.
Do
n't
you
care
?
"
"
But
what
is
the
good
?
"
"
You
do
n't
care
,
"
I
cried
.
"
You
do
n't
care
a
rap
!
"
"
You
know
I
care
,
"
she
answered
.
"
If
I
didn't-If
I
did
n't
like
you
very
much
,
should
I
let
you
come
and
meet
me-go
about
with
you
?
"
"
Well
then
,
"
I
said
,
"
promise
to
marry
me
!
"
"
If
I
do
,
what
difference
will
it
make
?
"
We
were
separated
by
two
men
carrying
a
ladder
who
drove
between
us
unawares
.
"
Marion
,
"
I
asked
when
we
got
together
again
,
"
I
tell
you
I
want
you
to
marry
me
.
"
"
We
ca
n't
.
"
"
Why
not
?
"
"
We
ca
n't
marry-in
the
street
.
"
"
We
could
take
our
chance
!
"
"
I
wish
you
would
n't
go
on
talking
like
this
.
What
is
the
good
?
"
She
suddenly
gave
way
to
gloom
.
"
It
's
no
good
marrying
"
she
said
.
"
One
's
only
miserable
.
I
've
seen
other
girls
.
When
one
's
alone
one
has
a
little
pocket-money
anyhow
,
one
can
go
about
a
little
.
But
think
of
being
married
and
no
money
,
and
perhaps
children-you
ca
n't
be
sure
...
.
"
She
poured
out
this
concentrated
philosophy
of
her
class
and
type
in
jerky
uncompleted
sentences
,
with
knitted
brows
,
with
discontented
eyes
towards
the
westward
glow-forgetful
,
it
seemed
,
for
a
moment
even
of
me
.
"
Look
here
,
Marion
,
"
I
said
abruptly
,
"
what
would
you
marry
on
?
"
"
What
IS
the
good
?
"
she
began
.
"
Would
you
marry
on
three
hundred
a
year
?
"
She
looked
at
me
for
a
moment
.
"
That
's
six
pounds
a
week
,
"
she
said
.
"
One
could
manage
on
that
,
easily
.
Smithie
's
brother-No
,
he
only
gets
two
hundred
and
fifty
.
He
married
a
typewriting
girl
.
"
"
Will
you
marry
me
if
I
get
three
hundred
a
year
?
"
She
looked
at
me
again
,
with
a
curious
gleam
of
hope
.
"
IF
!
"
she
said
.
I
held
out
my
hand
and
looked
her
in
the
eyes
.
"
It
's
a
bargain
,
"
I
said
.
She
hesitated
and
touched
my
hand
for
an
instant
.
"
It
's
silly
,
"
she
remarked
as
she
did
so
.
"
It
means
really
we're-
"
She
paused
.
"
Yes
?
"
said
I
.
"
Engaged
.
You
'll
have
to
wait
years
.
What
good
can
it
do
you
?
"
"
Not
so
many
years
.
"
I
answered
.
For
a
moment
she
brooded
.
Then
she
glanced
at
me
with
a
smile
,
half-sweet
,
half-wistful
,
that
has
stuck
in
my
memory
for
ever
.
"
I
like
you
!
"
she
said
.
"
I
shall
like
to
be
engaged
to
you
.
"
And
,
faint
on
the
threshold
of
hearing
,
I
caught
her
ventured
"
dear
!
"
It
's
odd
that
in
writing
this
down
my
memory
passed
over
all
that
intervened
and
I
feel
it
all
again
,
and
once
again
I
'm
Marion
's
boyish
lover
taking
great
joy
in
such
rare
and
little
things
.
At
last
I
went
to
the
address
my
uncle
had
given
me
in
Gower
Street
,
and
found
my
aunt
Susan
waiting
tea
for
him
.
Directly
I
came
into
the
room
I
appreciated
the
change
in
outlook
that
the
achievement
of
Tono-Bungay
had
made
almost
as
vividly
as
when
I
saw
my
uncle
's
new
hat
.
The
furniture
of
the
room
struck
upon
my
eye
as
almost
stately
.
The
chairs
and
sofa
were
covered
with
chintz
which
gave
it
a
dim
,
remote
flavour
of
Bladesover
;
the
mantel
,
the
cornice
,
the
gas
pendant
were
larger
and
finer
than
the
sort
of
thing
I
had
grown
accustomed
to
in
London
.
And
I
was
shown
in
by
a
real
housemaid
with
real
tails
to
her
cap
,
and
great
quantities
of
reddish
hair
.
There
was
my
aunt
too
looking
bright
and
pretty
,
in
a
blue-patterned
tea-wrap
with
bows
that
seemed
to
me
the
quintessence
of
fashion
.
She
was
sitting
in
a
chair
by
the
open
window
with
quite
a
pile
of
yellow-labelled
books
on
the
occasional
table
beside
her
.
Before
the
large
,
paper-decorated
fireplace
stood
a
three-tiered
cake-stand
displaying
assorted
cakes
,
and
a
tray
with
all
the
tea
equipage
except
the
teapot
,
was
on
the
large
centre-table
.
The
carpet
was
thick
,
and
a
spice
of
adventure
was
given
it
by
a
number
of
dyed
sheep-skin
mats
.
"
Hello
!
"
said
my
aunt
as
I
appeared
.
"
It
's
George
!
"
"
Shall
I
serve
the
tea
now
,
Mem
?
"
said
the
real
housemaid
,
surveying
our
greeting
coldly
.
"
Not
till
Mr.
Ponderevo
comes
,
Meggie
,
"
said
my
aunt
,
and
grimaced
with
extraordinary
swiftness
and
virulence
as
the
housemaid
turned
her
back
.
"
Meggie
she
calls
herself
,
"
said
my
aunt
as
the
door
closed
,
and
left
me
to
infer
a
certain
want
of
sympathy
.
"
You
're
looking
very
jolly
,
aunt
,
"
said
I
.
"
What
do
you
think
of
all
this
old
Business
he
's
got
?
"
asked
my
aunt
.
"
Seems
a
promising
thing
,
"
I
said
.
"
I
suppose
there
is
a
business
somewhere
?
"
"
Have
n't
you
seen
it
?
"
"
'
Fraid
I
'd
say
something
AT
it
George
,
if
I
did
.
So
he
wo
n't
let
me
.
It
came
on
quite
suddenly
.
Brooding
he
was
and
writing
letters
and
sizzling
something
awful-like
a
chestnut
going
to
pop
.
Then
he
came
home
one
day
saying
Tono-Bungay
till
I
thought
he
was
clean
off
his
onion
,
and
singing-what
was
it
?
"
"
'
I
'm
afloat
,
I
'm
afloat
,
'
"
I
guessed
.
"
The
very
thing
.
You
've
heard
him
.
And
saying
our
fortunes
were
made
.
Took
me
out
to
the
Ho'burm
Restaurant
,
George
,
-dinner
,
and
we
had
champagne
,
stuff
that
blows
up
the
back
of
your
nose
and
makes
you
go
SO
,
and
he
said
at
last
he
'd
got
things
worthy
of
me-and
we
moved
here
next
day
.
It
's
a
swell
house
,
George
.
Three
pounds
a
week
for
the
rooms
.
And
he
says
the
Business
'll
stand
it
.
"
She
looked
at
me
doubtfully
.
"
Either
do
that
or
smash
,
"
I
said
profoundly
.
We
discussed
the
question
for
a
moment
mutely
with
our
eyes
.
My
aunt
slapped
the
pile
of
books
from
Mudie
's
.
"
I
've
been
having
such
a
Go
of
reading
,
George
.
You
never
did
!
"
"
What
do
you
think
of
the
business
?
"
I
asked
.
"
Well
,
they
've
let
him
have
money
,
"
she
said
,
and
thought
and
raised
her
eyebrows
.
"
It
's
been
a
time
,
"
she
went
on
.
"
The
flapping
about
!
Me
sitting
doing
nothing
and
him
on
the
go
like
a
rocket
.
He
's
done
wonders
.
But
he
wants
you
,
George-he
wants
you
.
Sometimes
he
's
full
of
hope-talks
of
when
we
're
going
to
have
a
carriage
and
be
in
society-makes
it
seem
so
natural
and
topsy-turvy
,
I
hardly
know
whether
my
old
heels
are
n't
up
here
listening
to
him
,
and
my
old
head
on
the
floor
...
.
Then
he
gets
depressed
.
Says
he
wants
restraint
.
Says
he
can
make
a
splash
but
ca
n't
keep
on
.
Says
if
you
do
n't
come
in
everything
will
smash-But
you
are
coming
in
?
"
She
paused
and
looked
at
me
.
"
Well-
"
"
You
do
n't
say
you
wo
n't
come
in
!
"
"
But
look
here
,
aunt
,
"
I
said
,
"
do
you
understand
quite
?
...
It
's
a
quack
medicine
.
It
's
trash
.
"
"
There
's
no
law
against
selling
quack
medicine
that
I
know
of
,
"
said
my
aunt
.
She
thought
for
a
minute
and
became
unusually
grave
.
"
It
's
our
only
chance
,
George
,
"
she
said
.
"
If
it
does
n't
go
...
"
There
came
the
slamming
of
a
door
,
and
a
loud
bellowing
from
the
next
apartment
through
the
folding
doors
.
"
Here-er
Shee
Rulk
lies
Poo
Tom
Bo-oling
.
"
"
Silly
old
Concertina
!
Hark
at
him
,
George
!
"
She
raised
her
voice
.
"
Do
n't
sing
that
,
you
old
Walrus
,
you
!
Sing
'
I
'm
afloat
!
'
"
One
leaf
of
the
folding
doors
opened
and
my
uncle
appeared
.
"
Hullo
,
George
!
Come
along
at
last
?
Gossome
tea-cake
,
Susan
?
"
"
Thought
it
over
George
?
"
he
said
abruptly
.
"
Yes
,
"
said
I
.
"
Coming
in
?
"
I
paused
for
a
last
moment
and
nodded
yes
.
"
Ah
!
"
he
cried
.
"
Why
could
n't
you
say
that
a
week
ago
?
"
"
I
've
had
false
ideas
about
the
world
,
"
I
said
.
"
Oh
!
they
do
n't
matter
now
!
Yes
,
I
'll
come
,
I
'll
take
my
chance
with
you
,
I
wo
n't
hesitate
again
.
"
And
I
did
n't
.
I
stuck
to
that
resolution
for
seven
long
years
.
CHAPTER
THE
THIRD
HOW
WE
MADE
TONO-BUNGAY
HUM
So
I
made
my
peace
with
my
uncle
,
and
we
set
out
upon
this
bright
enterprise
of
selling
slightly
injurious
rubbish
at
one-and-three-halfpence
and
two-and-nine
a
bottle
,
including
the
Government
stamp
.
We
made
Tono-Bungay
hum
!
It
brought
us
wealth
,
influence
,
respect
,
the
confidence
of
endless
people
.
All
that
my
uncle
promised
me
proved
truth
and
understatement
;
Tono-Bungay
carried
me
to
freedoms
and
powers
that
no
life
of
scientific
research
,
no
passionate
service
of
humanity
could
ever
have
given
me
...
.
It
was
my
uncle
's
genius
that
did
it
.
No
doubt
he
needed
me
,
-I
was
,
I
will
admit
,
his
indispensable
right
hand
;
but
his
was
the
brain
to
conceive
.
He
wrote
every
advertisement
;
some
of
them
even
he
sketched
.
You
must
remember
that
his
were
the
days
before
the
Time
took
to
enterprise
and
the
vociferous
hawking
of
that
antiquated
Encyclopedia
.
That
alluring
,
button-holing
,
let-me
-just-tell-you-quite-soberly-something-you-ought-to-know
style
of
newspaper
advertisement
,
with
every
now
and
then
a
convulsive
jump
of
some
attractive
phrase
into
capitals
,
was
then
almost
a
novelty
.
"
Many
people
who
are
MODERATELY
well
think
they
are
QUITE
well
,
"
was
one
of
his
early
efforts
.
The
jerks
in
capitals
were
,
"
DO
NOT
NEED
DRUGS
OR
MEDICINE
,
"
and
"
SIMPLY
A
PROPER
REGIMEN
TO
GET
YOU
IN
TONE
.
"
One
was
warned
against
the
chemist
or
druggist
who
pushed
"
much-advertised
nostrums
"
on
one
's
attention
.
That
trash
did
more
harm
than
good
.
The
thing
needed
was
regimen-and
Tono-Bungay
!
Very
early
,
too
,
was
that
bright
little
quarter
column
,
at
least
it
was
usually
a
quarter
column
in
the
evening
papers
:
"
HILARITY-Tono-Bungay
.
Like
Mountain
Air
in
the
Veins
.
"
The
penetrating
trio
of
questions
:
"
Are
you
bored
with
your
Business
?
Are
you
bored
with
your
Dinner
.
Are
you
bored
with
your
Wife
?
"
-that
,
too
,
was
in
our
Gower
Street
days
.
Both
these
we
had
in
our
first
campaign
when
we
worked
London
south
central
,
and
west
;
and
then
,
too
,
we
had
our
first
poster-the
HEALTH
,
BEAUTY
,
AND
STRENGTH
one
.
That
was
his
design
;
I
happen
still
to
have
got
by
me
the
first
sketch
he
made
for
it
.
I
have
reproduced
it
here
with
one
or
two
others
to
enable
the
reader
to
understand
the
mental
quality
that
initiated
these
familiar
ornaments
of
London
.
(
The
second
one
is
about
eighteen
months
later
,
the
germ
of
the
well-known
"
Fog
"
poster
;
the
third
was
designed
for
an
influenza
epidemic
,
but
never
issued
.
)
These
things
were
only
incidental
in
my
department
.
I
had
to
polish
them
up
for
the
artist
and
arrange
the
business
of
printing
and
distribution
,
and
after
my
uncle
had
had
a
violent
and
needless
quarrel
with
the
advertising
manager
of
the
Daily
Regulator
about
the
amount
of
display
given
to
one
of
his
happy
thoughts
,
I
also
took
up
the
negotiations
of
advertisements
for
the
press
.
We
discussed
and
worked
out
distribution
together
first
in
the
drawing-room
floor
in
Gower
Street
with
my
aunt
sometimes
helping
very
shrewdly
,
and
then
,
with
a
steadily
improving
type
of
cigar
and
older
and
older
whisky
,
in
his
smuggery
at
their
first
house
,
the
one
in
Beckenham
.
Often
we
worked
far
into
the
night
sometimes
until
dawn
.
We
really
worked
infernally
hard
,
and
,
I
recall
,
we
worked
with
a
very
decided
enthusiasm
,
not
simply
on
my
uncle
's
part
but
mine
,
It
was
a
game
,
an
absurd
but
absurdly
interesting
game
,
and
the
points
were
scored
in
cases
of
bottles
.
People
think
a
happy
notion
is
enough
to
make
a
man
rich
,
that
fortunes
can
be
made
without
toil
.
It
's
a
dream
,
as
every
millionaire
(
except
one
or
two
lucky
gamblers
)
can
testify
;
I
doubt
if
J.D.
Rockefeller
in
the
early
days
of
Standard
Oil
,
worked
harder
than
we
did
.
We
worked
far
into
the
night-and
we
also
worked
all
day
.
We
made
a
rule
to
be
always
dropping
in
at
the
factory
unannounced
to
keep
things
right-for
at
first
we
could
afford
no
properly
responsible
underlings-and
we
traveled
London
,
pretending
to
be
our
own
representatives
and
making
all
sorts
of
special
arrangements
.
But
none
of
this
was
my
special
work
,
and
as
soon
as
we
could
get
other
men
in
,
I
dropped
the
traveling
,
though
my
uncle
found
it
particularly
interesting
and
kept
it
up
for
years
.
"
Does
me
good
,
George
,
to
see
the
chaps
behind
their
counters
like
I
was
once
,
"
he
explained
.
My
special
and
distinctive
duty
was
to
give
Tono-Bungay
substance
and
an
outward
and
visible
bottle
,
to
translate
my
uncle
's
great
imaginings
into
the
creation
of
case
after
case
of
labelled
bottles
of
nonsense
,
and
the
punctual
discharge
of
them
by
railway
,
road
and
steamer
towards
their
ultimate
goal
in
the
Great
Stomach
of
the
People
.
By
all
modern
standards
the
business
was
,
as
my
uncle
would
say
,
"
absolutely
bona
fide
.
"
We
sold
our
stuff
and
got
the
money
,
and
spent
the
money
honestly
in
lies
and
clamour
to
sell
more
stuff
.
Section
by
section
we
spread
it
over
the
whole
of
the
British
Isles
;
first
working
the
middle-class
London
suburbs
,
then
the
outer
suburbs
,
then
the
home
counties
,
then
going
(
with
new
bills
and
a
more
pious
style
of
"
ad
"
)
into
Wales
,
a
great
field
always
for
a
new
patent-medicine
,
and
then
into
Lancashire
.
My
uncle
had
in
his
inner
office
a
big
map
of
England
,
and
as
we
took
up
fresh
sections
of
the
local
press
and
our
consignments
invaded
new
areas
,
flags
for
advertisements
and
pink
underlines
for
orders
showed
our
progress
.
"
The
romance
of
modern
commerce
,
George
!
"
my
uncle
would
say
,
rubbing
his
hands
together
and
drawing
in
air
through
his
teeth
.
"
The
romance
of
modern
commerce
,
eh
?
Conquest
.
Province
by
province
.
Like
sogers
.
"
We
subjugated
England
and
Wales
;
we
rolled
over
the
Cheviots
with
a
special
adaptation
containing
eleven
per
cent
.
of
absolute
alcohol
;
"
Tono-Bungay
:
Thistle
Brand
.
"
We
also
had
the
Fog
poster
adapted
to
a
kilted
Briton
in
a
misty
Highland
scene
.
Under
the
shadow
of
our
great
leading
line
we
were
presently
taking
subsidiary
specialties
into
action
;
"
Tono-Bungay
Hair
Stimulant
"
was
our
first
supplement
.
Then
came
"
Concentrated
Tono-Bungay
"
for
the
eyes
.
That
did
n't
go
,
but
we
had
a
considerable
success
with
the
Hair
Stimulant
.
We
broached
the
subject
,
I
remember
,
in
a
little
catechism
beginning
:
"
Why
does
the
hair
fall
out
?
Because
the
follicles
are
fagged
.
What
are
the
follicles
?
...
"
So
it
went
on
to
the
climax
that
the
Hair
Stimulant
contained
all
"
The
essential
principles
of
that
most
reviving
tonic
,
Tono-Bungay
,
together
with
an
emollient
and
nutritious
oil
derived
from
crude
Neat
's
Foot
Oil
by
a
process
of
refinement
,
separation
and
deodorization
...
.
It
will
be
manifest
to
any
one
of
scientific
attainments
that
in
Neat
's
Foot
Oil
derived
from
the
hoofs
and
horns
of
beasts
,
we
must
necessarily
have
a
natural
skin
and
hair
lubricant
.
"
And
we
also
did
admirable
things
with
our
next
subsidiaries
,
"
Tono-Bungay
Lozenges
,
"
and
"
Tono-Bungay
Chocolate
.
"
These
we
urged
upon
the
public
for
their
extraordinary
nutritive
and
recuperative
value
in
cases
of
fatigue
and
strain
.
We
gave
them
posters
and
illustrated
advertisements
showing
climbers
hanging
from
marvelously
vertical
cliffs
,
cyclist
champions
upon
the
track
,
mounted
messengers
engaged
in
Aix-to-Ghent
rides
,
soldiers
lying
out
in
action
under
a
hot
sun
.
"
You
can
GO
for
twenty-four
hours
,
"
we
declared
,
"
on
Tono-Bungay
Chocolate
.
"
We
did
n't
say
whether
you
could
return
on
the
same
commodity
.
We
also
showed
a
dreadfully
barristerish
barrister
,
wig
,
side-whiskers
,
teeth
,
a
horribly
life-like
portrait
of
all
existing
barristers
,
talking
at
a
table
,
and
beneath
,
this
legend
:
"
A
Four
Hours
'
Speech
on
Tono-Bungay
Lozenges
,
and
as
fresh
as
when
he
began
.
"
Then
brought
in
regiments
of
school-teachers
,
revivalist
ministers
,
politicians
and
the
like
.
I
really
do
believe
there
was
an
element
of
"
kick
"
in
the
strychnine
in
these
lozenges
,
especially
in
those
made
according
to
our
earlier
formula
.
For
we
altered
all
our
formulae-invariably
weakening
them
enormously
as
sales
got
ahead
.
In
a
little
while-so
it
seems
to
me
now-we
were
employing
travelers
and
opening
up
Great
Britain
at
the
rate
of
a
hundred
square
miles
a
day
.
All
the
organisation
throughout
was
sketched
in
a
crude
,
entangled
,
half-inspired
fashion
by
my
uncle
,
and
all
of
it
had
to
be
worked
out
into
a
practicable
scheme
of
quantities
and
expenditure
by
me
.
We
had
a
lot
of
trouble
finding
our
travelers
;
in
the
end
at
least
half
of
them
were
Irish-Americans
,
a
wonderful
breed
for
selling
medicine
.
We
had
still
more
trouble
over
our
factory
manager
,
because
of
the
secrets
of
the
inner
room
,
and
in
the
end
we
got
a
very
capable
woman
,
Mrs.
Hampton
Diggs
,
who
had
formerly
managed
a
large
millinery
workroom
,
whom
we
could
trust
to
keep
everything
in
good
working
order
without
finding
out
anything
that
was
n't
put
exactly
under
her
loyal
and
energetic
nose
.
She
conceived
a
high
opinion
of
Tono-Bungay
and
took
it
in
all
forms
and
large
quantities
so
long
as
I
knew
her
.
It
did
n't
seem
to
do
her
any
harm
.
And
she
kept
the
girls
going
quite
wonderfully
.
My
uncle
's
last
addition
to
the
Tono-Bungay
group
was
the
Tono-Bungay
Mouthwash
.
The
reader
has
probably
read
a
hundred
times
that
inspiring
inquiry
of
his
,
"
You
are
Young
Yet
,
but
are
you
Sure
Nothing
has
Aged
your
Gums
?
"
And
after
that
we
took
over
the
agency
for
three
or
four
good
American
lines
that
worked
in
with
our
own
,
and
could
be
handled
with
it
;
Texan
Embrocation
,
and
"
23-to
clear
the
system
"
were
the
chief
...
.
I
set
down
these
bare
facts
.
To
me
they
are
all
linked
with
the
figure
of
my
uncle
.
In
some
of
the
old
seventeenth
and
early
eighteenth
century
prayerbooks
at
Bladesover
there
used
to
be
illustrations
with
long
scrolls
coming
out
of
