fatherfelt
that
he
was
battered
,
useless
,
and
a
failure
,
but
that
in
the
boy
there
were
unknown
possibilities
,
and
that
he
might
in
after
life
say
that
it
was
to
this
battered
,
useless
failure
of
a
father
he
owed
his
success
.
There
was
nothing
now
that
he
would
not
do
to
help
Tom’s
education
,
and
we
joyfully
aided
as
best
we
could
.
So
,
partly
I
believe
by
us
,
but
far
more
by
nature
herself
,
John’s
salvation
was
wrought
out
at
least
in
a
measure
;
discord
by
the
intervention
of
another
note
resolved
itself
into
a
kind
of
harmony
,
and
even
through
the
skylight
in
the
Strand
a
glimpse
of
the
azure
was
obtained
.
I
hope
my
readers
,
if
I
should
ever
have
any
,
will
remember
that
what
I
wish
to
do
is
to
give
some
account
of
the
manner
in
which
we
sought
to
be
of
service
to
the
small
and
very
humble
circle
of
persons
whom
we
had
collected
about
us
.
I
have
preserved
no
record
of
anything
;
I
am
merely
putting
down
what
now
comes
into
my
mind
—
the
two
or
three
articles
,
not
thirty-nine
,
nor
,
alas
!
a
third
of
that
number
—
which
we
were
able
to
hold
.
I
recollect
one
or
two
more
which
perhaps
are
worth
preservation
.
In
my
younger
days
the
aim
of
theologians
was
the
justification
of
the
ways
of
God
to
man
.
They
could
not
succeed
.
They
succeeded
no
better
than
ourselves
in
satisfying
the
intellect
with
a
system
.
Nor
does
the
Christian
religion
profess
any
such
satisfaction
.
It
teaches
rather
the
great
doctrine
of
a
Remedy
,
of
a
Mediator
;
and
therein
it
is
profoundly
true
.
It
is
unphilosophical
in
the
sense
that
it
offers
no
explanation
from
a
single
principle
,
and
leaves
the
ultimate
mystery
as
dark
as
before
,
but
it
is
in
accordance
with
our
intuitions
.
Everywhere
in
nature
we
see
exaction
of
penalties
down
to
the
uttermost
farthing
,
but
following
after
this
we
discern
forgiveness
,
obliterating
and
restorative
.
Both
tendencies
exist
.
Nature
is
Rhadamanthine
,
and
more
so
,
for
she
visits
the
sins
of
the
fathers
upon
the
children
;
but
there
is
in
her
also
an
infinite
Pity
,
healing
all
wounds
,
softening
all
calamities
,
ever
hastening
to
alleviate
and
repair
.
Christianity
in
strange
historical
fashion
is
an
expression
of
nature
,
a
projection
of
her
into
a
biography
and
a
creed
.
We
endeavoured
to
follow
Christianity
in
the
depth
of
its
distinction
between
right
and
wrong
.
Herein
this
religion
is
of
priceless
value
.
Philosophy
proclaims
the
unity
of
our
nature
.
To
philosophy
every
passion
is
as
natural
as
every
act
of
saintlike
negation
,
and
one
of
the
usual
effects
of
thinking
or
philosophising
is
to
bring
together
all
that
is
apparently
contrary
in
man
,
and
to
show
how
it
proceeds
really
from
one
centre
.
But
Christianity
had
not
to
propound
a
theory
of
man
;
it
had
to
redeem
the
world
.
It
laid
awful
stress
on
the
duality
in
us
,
and
the
stress
laid
on
that
duality
is
the
world’s
salvation
.
The
words
right
and
wrong
are
not
felt
now
as
they
were
felt
by
Paul
.
They
shade
off
one
into
the
other
.
Nevertheless
,
if
mankind
is
not
to
be
lost
,
the
ancient
antagonism
must
be
maintained
.
The
shallowest
of
mortals
is
able
now
to
laugh
at
the
notion
of
a
personal
devil
.
No
doubt
there
is
no
such
thing
existent
;
but
the
horror
at
evil
which
could
find
no
other
expression
than
in
the
creation
of
a
devil
is
no
subject
for
laughter
,
and
if
it
do
not
in
some
shape
or
other
survive
,
the
race
itself
will
not
survive
.
No
religion
,
so
far
as
I
know
,
has
dwelt
like
Christianity
with
such
profound
earnestness
on
the
bisection
of
man
—
on
the
distinction
within
him
,
vital
to
the
very
last
degree
,
between
the
higher
and
the
lower
,
heaven
and
hell
.
What
utter
folly
is
it
because
of
an
antique
vesture
to
condemn
as
effete
what
the
vesture
clothes
!
Its
doctrine
and
its
sacred
story
are
fixtures
in
concrete
form
of
precious
thoughts
purchased
by
blood
and
tears
.
I
fancy
I
see
the
sneer
of
theologians
and
critics
at
our
efforts
.
The
theologians
will
mock
us
because
we
had
nothing
better
to
say
.
I
can
only
reply
that
we
did
our
best
.
We
said
all
we
knew
,
and
we
would
most
thankfully
have
said
more
,
had
we
been
sure
that
it
must
be
true
.
I
would
remind
,
too
,
those
of
our
judges
who
think
that
we
were
such
wretched
mortals
,
blind
leaders
of
the
blind
,
that
there
have
been
long
ages
during
which
men
never
pretended
to
understand
more
than
we
professed
to
understand
.
To
say
nothing
of
the
Jews
,
whose
meagre
system
would
certainly
not
have
been
thought
either
satisfying
or
orthodox
by
modern
Christians
,
the
Greeks
and
Romans
lived
in
no
clearer
light
than
that
which
shines
on
me
.
The
critics
,
too
,
will
condemn
because
of
our
weakness
;
but
this
defect
I
at
once
concede
.
The
severest
critic
could
not
possibly
be
so
severe
as
I
am
upon
myself
.
I
know
my
failings
.
He
,
probably
,
would
miss
many
of
them
.
But
,
again
I
urge
that
men
are
not
to
be
debarred
by
reason
of
weakness
from
doing
what
little
good
may
lie
within
reach
of
their
hands
.
Had
we
attempted
to
save
scholars
and
thinkers
we
should
have
deserved
the
ridicule
with
which
no
doubt
we
shall
be
visited
.
We
aspired
to
save
nobody
.
We
knew
no
salvation
ourselves
.
We
ventured
humbly
to
bring
a
feeble
ray
of
light
into
the
dwellings
of
two
or
three
poor
men
and
women
;
and
if
Prometheus
,
fettered
to
his
rock
,
dwelt
with
pride
on
the
blind
hopes
which
he
had
caused
to
visit
mortals
,
the
hopes
which
“
stopped
the
continued
anticipation
of
their
destiny
,
”
we
perhaps
may
be
pardoned
if
at
times
we
thought
that
what
we
were
doing
was
not
altogether
vanity
.
CHAPTER
VII
QUI
DEDIT
IN
MARI
VIAM
From
time
to
time
I
received
a
newspaper
from
my
native
town
,
and
one
morning
,
looking
over
the
advertisements
,
I
caught
sight
of
one
which
arrested
me
.
It
was
as
follows
:
—
“
A
Widow
Lady
desires
a
situation
as
Daily
Governess
to
little
children
.
Address
E
.
B
.
,
care
of
Mrs.
George
Andrews
,
Fancy
Bazaar
,
High
Street
.
”
Mrs.
George
Andrews
was
a
cousin
of
Ellen
Butts
,
and
that
this
was
her
advertisement
I
had
not
the
slightest
doubt
.
Suddenly
,
without
being
able
to
give
the
least
reason
for
it
,
an
unconquerable
desire
to
see
her
arose
within
me
.
I
could
not
understand
it
.
I
recollected
that
memorable
resolution
after
Miss
Arbour’s
story
years
ago
.
How
true
that
counsel
of
Miss
Arbour’s
was
!
and
yet
it
had
the
defect
of
most
counsel
.
It
was
but
a
principle
;
whether
it
suited
this
particular
case
was
the
one
important
point
on
which
Miss
Arbour
was
no
authority
.
What
was
it
which
prompted
this
inexplicable
emotion
?
A
thousand
things
rushed
through
my
head
without
reason
or
order
.
I
begin
to
believe
that
a
first
love
never
dies
.
A
boy
falls
in
love
at
eighteen
or
nineteen
.
The
attachment
comes
to
nothing
.
It
is
broken
off
for
a
multitude
of
reasons
,
and
he
sees
its
absurdity
.
He
marries
afterwards
some
other
woman
whom
he
even
adores
,
and
he
has
children
for
whom
he
spends
his
life
;
yet
in
an
obscure
corner
of
his
soul
he
preserves
everlastingly
the
cherished
picture
of
the
girl
who
first
was
dear
to
him
.
She
,
too
,
marries
.
In
process
of
time
she
is
fifty
years
old
,
and
he
is
fifty-two
.
He
has
not
seen
her
for
thirty
years
or
more
,
but
he
continually
turns
aside
into
the
little
oratory
,
to
gaze
upon
the
face
as
it
last
appeared
to
him
when
he
left
her
at
her
gate
and
saw
her
no
more
.
He
inquires
now
and
then
timidly
about
her
whenever
he
gets
the
chance
.
And
once
in
his
life
he
goes
down
to
the
town
where
she
lives
,
solely
in
order
to
get
a
sight
of
her
without
her
knowing
anything
about
it
.
He
does
not
succeed
,
and
he
comes
back
and
tells
his
wife
,
from
whom
he
never
conceals
any
secrets
,
that
he
has
been
away
on
business
.
I
did
not
for
a
moment
confess
that
my
love
for
Ellen
had
returned
.
I
knew
who
she
was
and
what
she
was
,
and
what
had
led
to
our
separation
;
but
nevertheless
,
all
this
obstinately
remained
in
the
background
,
and
all
the
passages
of
love
between
us
,
all
our
kisses
,
and
above
everything
,
her
tears
at
that
parting
in
her
father’s
house
,
thrust
themselves
upon
me
.
It
was
a
mystery
to
me
.
What
should
have
induced
that
utterly
unexpected
resurrection
of
what
I
believed
to
be
dead
and
buried
,
is
beyond
my
comprehension
.
However
,
the
fact
remains
.
I
did
not
to
myself
admit
that
this
was
love
,
but
it
was
love
,
and
that
it
should
have
shot
up
with
such
swift
vitality
merely
because
I
had
happened
to
see
those
initials
was
miraculous
.
I
pretended
to
myself
that
I
should
like
once
more
to
see
Mrs.
Butts
—
perhaps
she
might
be
in
want
and
I
could
help
her
.
I
shrank
from
writing
to
her
or
from
making
myself
known
to
her
,
and
at
last
I
hit
upon
the
expedient
of
answering
her
advertisement
in
a
feigned
name
,
and
requesting
her
to
call
at
the
King’s
Arms
hotel
upon
a
gentleman
who
wished
to
engage
a
widow
lady
to
teach
his
children
.
To
prevent
any
previous
inquiries
on
her
part
,
I
said
that
my
name
was
Williams
,
that
I
lived
in
the
country
at
some
little
distance
from
the
town
,
but
that
I
should
be
there
on
business
on
the
day
named
.
I
took
up
my
quarters
at
the
King’s
Arms
the
night
before
.
It
seemed
very
strange
to
be
in
an
inn
in
the
place
in
which
I
was
born
.
I
retired
early
to
my
bedroom
,
and
looked
out
in
the
clear
moonlight
over
the
river
.
The
landscape
seemed
haunted
by
ghosts
of
my
former
self
.
At
one
particular
point
,
so
well
known
,
I
stood
fishing
.
At
another
,
equally
well
known
,
where
the
water
was
dangerously
deep
,
I
was
examining
the
ice
;
and
round
the
corner
was
the
boathouse
where
we
kept
the
little
craft
in
which
I
had
voyaged
so
many
hundreds
of
miles
on
excursions
upwards
beyond
where
the
navigation
ends
,
or
,
still
more
fascinating
,
down
to
where
the
water
widens
and
sails
are
to
be
seen
,
and
there
is
a
foretaste
of
the
distant
sea
.
It
is
no
pleasure
to
me
to
revisit
scenes
in
which
earlier
days
have
been
passed
.
I
detest
the
sentimental
melancholy
which
steals
over
me
;
the
sense
of
the
lapse
of
time
,
and
the
reflection
that
so
many
whom
I
knew
are
dead
.
I
would
always
,
if
possible
,
spend
my
holiday
in
some
new
scene
,
fresh
to
me
,
and
full
of
new
interest
.
I
slept
but
little
,
and
when
the
morning
came
,
instead
of
carrying
out
my
purpose
of
wandering
through
the
streets
,
I
was
so
sick
of
the
mood
by
which
I
had
been
helplessly
overcome
,
that
I
sat
at
a
distance
from
the
window
in
the
coffee-room
,
and
read
diligently
last
week’s
Bell’s
Weekly
Messenger
.
My
reading
,
however
,
was
nothing
.
I
do
not
suppose
I
comprehended
the
simplest
paragraph
.
My
thoughts
were
away
,
and
I
watched
the
clock
slowly
turning
towards
the
hour
when
Ellen
was
to
call
.
I
foresaw
that
I
should
not
be
able
to
speak
to
her
at
the
inn
.
If
I
have
anything
particular
to
say
to
anybody
,
I
can
always
say
it
so
much
better
out
of
doors
.
I
dreaded
the
confinement
of
the
room
,
and
the
necessity
for
looking
into
her
face
.
Under
the
sky
,
and
in
motion
,
I
should
be
more
at
liberty
.
At
last
eleven
struck
from
the
church
in
the
square
,
and
five
minutes
afterwards
the
waiter
entered
to
announce
Mrs.
Butts
.
I
was
therefore
right
,
and
she
was
“
E
.
B
.
”
I
was
sure
that
I
should
not
be
recognised
.
Since
I
saw
her
last
I
had
grown
a
beard
,
my
hair
had
got
a
little
grey
,
and
she
was
always
a
little
short-sighted
.
She
came
in
,
and
as
she
entered
she
put
away
over
her
bonnet
her
thick
black
veil
.
Not
ten
seconds
passed
before
she
was
seated
on
the
opposite
side
of
the
table
to
that
on
which
I
was
sitting
,
but
I
re-read
in
her
during
those
ten
seconds
the
whole
history
of
years
.
I
cannot
say
that
externally
she
looked
worn
or
broken
.
I
had
imagined
that
I
should
see
her
undone
with
her
great
troubles
,
but
to
some
extent
,
and
yet
not
altogether
,
I
was
mistaken
.
The
cheek-bones
were
more
prominent
than
of
old
,
and
her
dark-brown
hair
drawn
tightly
over
her
forehead
increased
the
clear
paleness
of
the
face
;
the
just
perceptible
tint
of
colour
which
I
recollect
being
now
altogether
withdrawn
.
But
she
was
not
haggard
,
and
evidently
not
vanquished
.
There
was
even
a
gaiety
on
her
face
,
perhaps
a
trifle
enforced
,
and
although
the
darkness
of
sorrow
gleamed
behind
it
,
the
sorrow
did
not
seem
to
be
ultimate
,
but
to
be
in
front
of
a
final
background
,
if
not
of
joy
,
at
least
of
resignation
.
Her
ancient
levity
of
manner
had
vanished
,
or
at
most
had
left
nothing
but
a
trace
.
I
thought
I
detected
it
here
and
there
in
a
line
about
the
mouth
,
and
perhaps
in
her
walk
.
There
was
a
reminiscence
of
it
too
in
her
clothes
.
Notwithstanding
poverty
and
distress
,
the
old
neatness
—
that
particular
care
which
used
to
charm
me
so
when
I
was
little
more
than
a
child
,
was
there
still
.
I
was
always
susceptible
to
this
virtue
,
and
delicate
hands
and
feet
,
with
delicate
care
bestowed
thereon
,
were
more
attractive
to
me
than
slovenly
beauty
.
I
noticed
that
the
gloves
,
though
mended
,
fitted
with
the
same
precision
,
and
that
her
dress
was
unwrinkled
and
perfectly
graceful
.
Whatever
she
might
have
had
to
endure
,
it
had
not
destroyed
that
self-centred
satisfaction
which
makes
life
tolerable
.
I
was
impelled
at
once
to
say
that
I
had
to
beg
her
pardon
for
asking
her
there
.
Unfortunately
I
was
obliged
to
go
over
to
Cowston
,
a
village
which
was
about
three
miles
from
the
town
.
Perhaps
she
would
not
mind
walking
part
of
the
way
with
me
through
the
meadows
,
and
then
we
could
talk
with
more
freedom
,
as
I
should
not
feel
pressed
for
time
.
To
this
arrangement
she
at
once
agreed
,
and
dropping
her
thick
veil
over
her
face
,
we
went
out
.
In
a
few
minutes
we
were
clear
of
the
houses
,
and
I
began
the
conversation
.
“
Have
you
been
in
the
habit
of
teaching
?
”
“
No.
The
necessity
for
taking
to
it
has
only
lately
arisen
.
”
“
What
can
you
teach
?
”
“
Not
much
beyond
what
children
of
ten
or
eleven
years
old
are
expected
to
know
;
but
I
could
take
charge
of
them
entirely
.
”
“
Have
you
any
children
of
your
own
?
”
“
One
.
”
“
Could
you
take
a
situation
as
resident
teacher
if
you
have
a
child
?
”
“
I
must
get
something
to
do
,
and
if
I
can
make
no
arrangement
by
which
my
child
can
live
with
me
,
I
shall
try
and
place
her
with
a
friend
.
I
may
be
able
to
hear
of
some
appointment
as
a
daily
governess
.
”
“
I
should
have
thought
that
in
your
native
town
you
would
have
been
easily
able
to
find
employment
—
you
must
be
well
known
?
”
There
was
a
pause
,
and
after
a
moment
or
so
she
said
:
—
“
We
were
well
known
once
,
but
we
went
abroad
and
lost
all
our
money
.
My
husband
died
abroad
.
When
I
returned
,
I
found
that
there
was
very
little
which
my
friends
could
do
for
me
.
I
am
not
accomplished
,
and
there
are
crowds
of
young
women
who
are
more
capable
than
I
am
.
Moreover
,
I
saw
that
I
was
becoming
a
burden
,
and
people
called
on
me
rather
as
a
matter
of
duty
than
for
any
other
reason
.
You
don’t
know
how
soon
all
but
the
very
best
insensibly
neglect
very
poor
relatives
if
they
are
not
gifted
or
attractive
.
I
do
not
wonder
at
being
made
to
feel
this
,
nor
do
I
blame
anybody
.
My
little
girl
is
a
cripple
,
my
rooms
are
dull
,
and
I
have
nothing
in
me
with
which
to
amuse
or
entertain
visitors
.
Pardon
my
going
into
this
detail
.
It
was
necessary
to
say
something
in
order
to
explain
my
position
.
”
“
May
I
ask
what
salary
you
will
require
if
you
live
in
the
house
?
”
“
Five-and-thirty
pounds
a
year
,
but
I
might
take
less
if
I
were
asked
to
do
so
.
”
“
Are
you
a
member
of
the
Church
of
England
?
”
“
No.
”
“
To
what
religious
body
do
you
belong
?
”
“
I
am
an
Independent
,
but
I
would
go
to
Church
if
my
employers
wished
it
.
”
“
I
thought
the
Independents
objected
to
go
to
Church
.
”
“
They
do
;
but
I
should
not
object
,
if
I
could
hear
anything
at
the
Church
which
would
help
me
.
”
“
I
am
rather
surprised
at
your
indifference
.
”
“
I
was
once
more
particular
,
but
I
have
seen
much
suffering
,
and
some
things
which
were
important
to
me
are
not
so
now
,
and
others
which
were
not
important
have
become
so
.
”
I
then
made
up
a
little
story
.
My
sister
and
I
lived
together
.
We
were
about
to
take
up
our
abode
at
Cowston
,
but
were
as
yet
strangers
to
it
.
I
was
left
a
widower
with
two
little
children
whom
my
sister
could
not
educate
,
as
she
could
not
spare
the
time
.
She
would
naturally
have
selected
the
governess
herself
,
but
she
was
at
some
distance
.
She
would
like
to
see
Mrs.
Butts
before
engaging
her
finally
,
but
she
thought
that
as
this
advertisement
presented
itself
,
I
might
make
some
preliminary
inquiries
.
Perhaps
,
however
,
now
that
Mrs.
Butts
knew
the
facts
,
she
would
object
to
living
in
the
house
.
I
put
it
in
this
way
,
feeling
sure
that
she
would
catch
my
meaning
.
“
I
am
afraid
that
this
situation
will
not
suit
me
.
I
could
not
go
backwards
and
forwards
so
far
every
day
.
”
“
I
understand
you
perfectly
,
and
feared
that
this
would
be
your
decision
.
But
if
you
hesitate
,
I
can
give
you
the
best
of
references
.
I
had
not
thought
of
that
before
.
References
of
course
will
be
required
by
you
as
well
as
by
me
.
”
I
put
my
hand
in
my
pocket
for
my
pocket-book
,
but
I
could
not
find
it
.
We
had
now
reached
a
part
of
our
road
familiar
enough
to
both
of
us
.
Along
that
very
path
Ellen
and
I
had
walked
years
ago
.
Under
those
very
trees
,
on
that
very
seat
had
we
sat
,
and
she
and
I
were
there
again
.
All
the
old
confidences
,
confessions
,
tendernesses
,
rushed
upon
me
.
What
is
there
which
is
more
potent
than
the
recollection
of
past
love
to
move
us
to
love
,
and
knit
love
with
closest
bonds
?
Can
we
ever
cease
to
love
the
souls
who
have
once
shared
all
that
we
know
and
feel
?
Can
we
ever
be
indifferent
to
those
who
have
our
secrets
,
and
whose
secrets
we
hold
?
As
I
looked
at
her
,
I
remembered
what
she
knew
about
me
,
and
what
I
knew
about
her
,
and
this
simple
thought
so
overmastered
me
,
that
I
could
hold
out
no
longer
.
I
said
to
her
that
if
she
would
like
to
rest
for
one
moment
,
I
might
be
able
to
find
my
papers
.
We
sat
down
together
,
and
she
drew
up
her
veil
to
read
the
address
which
I
was
about
to
give
her
.
She
glanced
at
me
,
as
I
thought
,
with
a
strange
expression
of
excited
interrogation
,
and
something
swiftly
passed
across
her
face
,
which
warned
me
that
I
had
not
a
moment
to
lose
.
I
took
out
one
of
my
own
cards
,
handed
it
to
her
,
and
said
,
“
Here
is
a
reference
which
perhaps
you
may
know
.
”
She
bent
over
it
,
turned
to
me
,
fixed
her
eyes
intently
and
directly
on
mine
for
one
moment
,
and
then
I
thought
she
would
have
fallen
.
My
arm
was
around
her
in
an
instant
,
her
head
was
on
my
shoulder
,
and
my
many
wanderings
were
over
.
It
was
broad
,
high
,
sunny
noon
,
the
most
solitary
hour
of
the
daylight
in
those
fields
.
We
were
roused
by
the
distant
sound
of
the
town
clock
striking
twelve
;
we
rose
and
went
on
together
to
Cowston
by
the
river
bank
,
returning
late
in
the
evening
.
CHAPTER
VIII
FLAGELLUM
NON
APPROQUINABIT
TABERNACULO
TUO
I
suppose
that
the
reason
why
in
novels
the
story
ends
with
a
marriage
is
partly
that
the
excitement
of
the
tale
ceases
then
,
and
partly
also
because
of
a
theory
that
marriage
is
an
epoch
,
determining
the
career
of
life
after
it
.
The
epoch
once
announced
,
nothing
more
need
be
explained
;
everything
else
follows
as
a
matter
of
course
.
These
notes
of
mine
are
autobiographical
,
and
not
a
romance
.
I
have
never
known
much
about
epochs
.
I
have
had
one
or
two
,
one
specially
when
I
first
began
to
read
and
think
;
but
after
that
,
if
I
have
changed
,
it
has
been
slowly
and
imperceptibly
.
My
life
,
therefore
,
is
totally
unfitted
to
be
the
basis
of
fiction
.
My
return
to
Ellen
,
and
our
subsequent
marriage
,
were
only
partially
an
epoch
.
A
change
had
come
,
but
it
was
one
which
had
long
been
preparing
.
Ellen’s
experiences
had
altered
her
position
,
and
mine
too
was
altered
.
She
had
been
driven
into
religion
by
trouble
,
and
knowing
nothing
of
criticism
or
philosophy
,
retained
the
old
forms
for
her
religious
feeling
.
But
the
very
quickness
of
her
emotion
caused
her
to
welcome
all
new
and
living
modes
of
expressing
it
.
It
is
only
when
feeling
has
ceased
to
accompany
a
creed
that
it
becomes
fixed
,
and
verbal
departures
from
it
are
counted
heresy
.
I
too
cared
less
for
argument
,
and
it
even
gave
me
pleasure
to
talk
in
her
dialect
,
so
familiar
to
me
,
but
for
so
many
years
unused
.
It
was
now
necessary
for
me
to
add
to
my
income
.
I
had
nothing
upon
which
to
depend
save
my
newspaper
,
which
was
obviously
insufficient
.
At
last
,
I
succeeded
in
obtaining
some
clerical
employment
.
For
no
other
work
was
I
fit
,
for
my
training
had
not
been
special
in
any
one
direction
.
My
hours
were
long
,
from
ten
in
the
morning
till
seven
in
the
evening
,
and
as
I
was
three
miles
distant
from
the
office
,
I
was
really
away
from
home
for
eleven
hours
every
day
,
excepting
on
Sundays
.
I
began
to
calculate
that
my
life
consisted
of
nothing
but
the
brief
spaces
allowed
to
me
for
rest
,
and
these
brief
spaces
I
could
not
enjoy
because
I
dwelt
upon
their
brevity
.
There
was
some
excuse
for
me
.
Never
could
there
be
any
duty
incumbent
upon
man
much
more
inhuman
and
devoid
of
interest
than
my
own
.
How
often
I
thought
about
my
friend
Clark
,
and
his
experiences
became
mine
.
The
whole
day
I
did
nothing
but
write
,
and
what
I
wrote
called
forth
no
single
faculty
of
the
mind
.
Nobody
who
has
not
tried
such
an
occupation
can
possibly
forecast
the
strange
habits
,
humours
,
fancies
,
and
diseases
which
after
a
time
it
breeds
.
I
was
shut
up
in
a
room
half
below
the
ground
.
In
this
room
were
three
other
men
besides
myself
,
two
of
them
between
fifty
and
sixty
,
and
one
about
three
or
four-and-twenty
.
All
four
of
us
kept
books
or
copied
letters
from
ten
to
seven
,
with
an
interval
of
three-quarters
of
an
hour
for
dinner
.
In
all
three
of
these
men
,
as
in
the
case
of
Clark’s
companions
,
there
had
been
developed
,
partly
I
suppose
by
the
circumstance
of
enforced
idleness
of
brain
,
the
most
loathsome
tendency
to
obscenity
.
This
was
the
one
subject
which
was
common
ground
,
and
upon
which
they
could
talk
.
It
was
fostered
too
by
a
passion
for
beer
,
which
was
supplied
by
the
publican
across
the
way
,
who
was
perpetually
travelling
to
and
fro
with
cans
.
My
horror
when
I
first
found
out
into
what
society
I
was
thrust
was
unspeakable
.
There
was
a
clock
within
a
hundred
yards
of
my
window
which
struck
the
hours
and
quarters
.
How
I
watched
that
clock
!
My
spirits
rose
or
fell
with
each
division
of
the
day
.
From
ten
to
twelve
there
was
nothing
but
gloom
.
By
half-past
twelve
I
began
to
discern
dinner
time
,
and
the
prospect
was
brighter
.
After
dinner
there
was
nothing
to
be
done
but
doggedly
to
endure
until
five
,
and
at
five
I
was
able
to
see
over
the
distance
from
five
to
seven
.
My
disgust
at
my
companions
,
however
,
came
to
be
mixed
with
pity
.
I
found
none
of
them
cruel
,
and
I
received
many
little
kindnesses
from
them
.
I
discovered
that
their
trade
was
largely
answerable
for
the
impurity
of
thought
and
speech
which
so
shocked
me
.
Its
monotony
compelled
some
countervailing
stimulus
,
and
as
they
had
never
been
educated
to
care
for
anything
in
particular
,
they
found
the
necessary
relief
in
sensuality
.
At
first
they
“
chaffed
”
and
worried
me
a
good
deal
because
of
my
silence
,
but
at
last
they
began
to
think
I
was
“
religious
,
”
and
then
they
ceased
to
torment
me
.
I
rather
encouraged
them
in
the
belief
that
I
had
a
right
to
exemption
from
their
conversation
,
and
I
passed
,
I
believe
,
for
a
Plymouth
brother
.
The
only
thing
which
they
could
not
comprehend
was
that
I
made
no
attempt
to
convert
them
.
The
whole
establishment
was
under
the
rule
of
a
deputy-manager
,
who
was
the
terror
of
the
place
.
He
was
tall
,
thin
,
and
suffered
occasionally
from
spitting
of
blood
,
brought
on
no
doubt
from
excitement
.
He
was
the
strangest
mixture
of
exactitude
and
passion
.
He
had
complete
mastery
over
every
detail
of
the
business
,
and
he
never
blundered
.
All
his
work
was
thorough
,
down
to
the
very
bottom
,
and
he
had
the
most
intolerant
hatred
of
everything
which
was
loose
and
inaccurate
.
He
never
passed
a
day
without
flaming
out
into
oaths
and
curses
against
his
subordinates
,
and
they
could
not
say
in
his
wildest
fury
that
his
ravings
were
beside
the
mark
.
He
was
wrong
in
his
treatment
of
men
—
utterly
wrong
—
but
his
facts
were
always
correct
.
I
never
saw
anybody
hated
as
he
was
,
and
the
hatred
against
him
was
the
more
intense
because
nobody
could
convict
him
of
a
mistake
.
He
seemed
to
enjoy
a
storm
,
and
knew
nothing
whatever
of
the
constraints
which
with
ordinary
men
prevent
abusive
and
brutal
language
to
those
around
them
.
Some
of
his
clerks
suffered
greatly
from
him
,
and
he
almost
broke
down
two
or
three
from
the
constant
nervous
strain
upon
them
produced
by
fear
of
his
explosions
.
For
my
own
part
,
although
I
came
in
for
a
full
share
of
his
temper
,
I
at
once
made
up
my
mind
as
soon
as
I
discovered
what
he
was
,
not
to
open
my
lips
to
him
except
under
compulsion
.
My
one
object
now
was
to
get
a
living
.
I
wished
also
to
avoid
the
self-mortification
which
must
ensue
from
altercation
.
I
dreaded
,
as
I
have
always
dreaded
beyond
what
I
can
tell
,
the
chaos
and
wreck
which
,
with
me
,
follows
subjugation
by
anger
,
and
I
held
to
my
resolve
under
all
provocation
.
It
was
very
difficult
,
but
how
many
times
I
have
blessed
myself
for
adhesion
to
it
.
Instead
of
going
home
undone
with
excitement
,
and
trembling
with
fear
of
dismissal
,
I
have
walked
out
of
my
dungeon
having
had
to
bite
my
lips
till
the
blood
came
,
but
still
conqueror
,
and
with
peace
of
mind
.
Another
stratagem
of
defence
which
I
adopted
at
the
office
was
never
to
betray
to
a
soul
anything
about
myself
.
Nobody
knew
anything
about
me
,
whether
I
was
married
or
single
,
where
I
lived
,
or
what
I
thought
upon
a
single
subject
of
any
importance
.
I
cut
off
my
office
life
in
this
way
from
my
life
at
home
so
completely
that
I
was
two
selves
,
and
my
true
self
was
not
stained
by
contact
with
my
other
self
.
It
was
a
comfort
to
me
to
think
the
moment
the
clock
struck
seven
that
my
second
self
died
,
and
that
my
first
self
suffered
nothing
by
having
anything
to
do
with
it
.
I
was
not
the
person
who
sat
at
the
desk
downstairs
and
endured
the
abominable
talk
of
his
colleagues
and
the
ignominy
of
serving
such
a
chief
.
I
knew
nothing
about
him
.
I
was
a
citizen
walking
London
streets
;
I
had
my
opinions
upon
human
beings
and
books
;
I
was
on
equal
terms
with
my
friends
;
I
was
Ellen’s
husband
;
I
was
,
in
short
,
a
man
.
By
this
scrupulous
isolation
,
I
preserved
myself
,
and
the
clerk
was
not
debarred
from
the
domain
of
freedom
.
It
is
very
terrible
to
think
that
the
labour
by
which
men
are
to
live
should
be
of
this
order
.
The
ideal
of
labour
is
that
it
should
be
something
in
which
we
can
take
an
interest
and
even
a
pride
.
Immense
masses
of
it
in
London
are
the
merest
slavery
,
and
it
is
as
mechanical
as
the
daily
journey
of
the
omnibus
horse
.
There
is
no
possibility
of
relieving
it
,
and
all
the
ordinary
copybook
advice
of
moralists
and
poets
as
to
the
temper
in
which
we
should
earn
our
bread
is
childish
nonsense
.
If
a
man
is
a
painter
,
or
a
physician
,
or
a
barrister
,
or
even
a
tradesman
,
well
and
good
.
The
maxims
of
authors
may
be
of
some
service
to
him
,
and
he
may
be
able
to
exemplify
them
;
but
if
he
is
a
copying
clerk
they
are
an
insult
,
and
he
can
do
nothing
but
arch
his
back
to
bear
his
burden
and
find
some
compensation
elsewhere
.
True
it
is
,
that
beneficent
Nature
here
,
as
always
,
is
helpful
.
Habit
,
after
a
while
,
mitigated
much
of
the
bitterness
of
destiny
.
The
hard
points
of
the
flint
became
smoothed
and
worn
away
by
perpetual
tramping
over
them
,
so
that
they
no
longer
wounded
with
their
original
sharpness
;
and
the
sole
of
the
foot
was
in
time
provided
with
a
merciful
callosity
.
Then
,
too
,
there
was
developed
an
appetite
which
was
voracious
for
all
that
was
best
.
Who
shall
tell
the
revulsion
on
reaching
home
,
which
I
should
never
have
known
had
I
lived
a
life
of
idleness
!
Ellen
was
fond
of
hearing
me
read
,
and
with
a
little
care
I
was
able
to
select
what
would
bear
reading
—
dramas
,
for
example
.
She
liked
the
reading
for
the
reading’s
sake
,
and
she
liked
to
know
that
what
I
thought
was
communicated
to
her
;
that
she
was
not
excluded
from
the
sphere
in
which
I
lived
.
Of
the
office
she
never
heard
a
word
,
and
I
never
would
tell
her
anything
about
it
;
but
there
was
scarcely
a
single
book
in
my
possession
which
could
be
read
aloud
,
that
we
did
not
go
through
together
in
this
way
.
I
don’t
prescribe
this
kind
of
life
to
everybody
.
Some
of
my
best
friends
,
I
know
,
would
find
it
intolerable
,
but
it
suited
us
.
Philosophy
and
religion
I
did
not
touch
.
It
was
necessary
to
choose
themes
with
varying
human
interest
,
such
as
the
best
works
of
fiction
,
a
play
,
or
a
poem
;
and
these
perhaps
,
on
the
whole
,
did
me
more
good
at
that
time
than
speculation
.
Oh
,
how
many
times
have
I
left
my
office
humiliated
by
some
silently
endured
outbreak
on
the
part
of
my
master
,
more
galling
because
I
could
not
put
it
aside
as
altogether
gratuitous
;
and
in
less
than
an
hour
it
was
two
miles
away
,
and
I
was
myself
again
.
If
a
man
wants
to
know
what
the
potency
of
love
is
,
he
must
be
a
menial
;
he
must
be
despised
.
Those
who
are
prosperous
and
courted
cannot
understand
its
power
.
Let
him
come
home
after
he
has
suffered
what
is
far
worse
than
hatred
—
the
contempt
of
a
superior
,
who
knows
that
he
can
afford
to
be
contemptuous
,
seeing
that
he
can
replace
his
slave
at
a
moment’s
notice
.
Let
him
be
trained
by
his
tyrant
to
dwell
upon
the
thought
that
he
belongs
to
the
vast
crowd
of
people
in
London
who
are
unimportant
;
almost
useless
;
to
whom
it
is
a
charity
to
offer
employment
;
who
are
conscious
of
possessing
no
gift
which
makes
them
of
any
value
to
anybody
,
and
he
will
then
comprehend
the
divine
efficacy
of
the
affection
of
that
woman
to
whom
he
is
dear
.
God’s
mercy
be
praised
ever
more
for
it
!
I
cannot
write
poetry
,
but
if
I
could
,
no
theme
would
tempt
me
like
that
of
love
to
such
a
person
as
I
was
—
not
love
,
as
I
say
again
,
to
the
hero
,
but
love
to
the
Helot
.
Over
and
over
again
,
when
I
have
thought
about
it
,
I
have
felt
my
poor
heart
swell
with
a
kind
of
uncontrollable
fervour
.
I
have
often
,
too
,
said
to
myself
that
this
love
is
no
delusion
.
If
we
were
to
set
it
down
as
nothing
more
than
a
merciful
cheat
on
the
part
of
the
Creator
,
however
pleasant
it
might
be
,
it
would
lose
its
charm
.
If
I
were
to
think
that
my
wife’s
devotion
to
me
is
nothing
more
than
the
simple
expression
of
a
necessity
to
love
somebody
,
that
there
is
nothing
in
me
which
justifies
such
devotion
,
I
should
be
miserable
.
Rather
,
I
take
it
,
is
the
love
of
woman
to
man
a
revelation
of
the
relationship
in
which
God
stands
to
him
—
of
what
ought
to
be
,
in
fact
.
In
the
love
of
a
woman
to
the
man
who
is
of
no
account
God
has
provided
us
with
a
true
testimony
of
what
is
in
His
own
heart
.
I
often
felt
this
when
looking
at
myself
and
at
Ellen
.
“
What
is
there
in
me
?
”
I
have
said
,
“
is
she
not
the
victim
of
some
self-created
deception
?
”
and
I
was
wretched
till
I
considered
that
in
her
I
saw
the
Divine
Nature
itself
,
and
that
her
passion
was
a
stream
straight
from
the
Highest
.
The
love
of
woman
is
,
in
other
words
,
a
living
witness
never
failing
of
an
actuality
in
God
which
otherwise
we
should
never
know
.
This
led
me
on
to
connect
it
with
Christianity
;
but
I
am
getting
incoherent
and
must
stop
.
My
employment
now
was
so
incessant
,
for
it
was
still
necessary
that
I
should
write
for
my
newspaper
—
although
my
visits
to
the
House
of
Commons
had
perforce
ceased
—
that
I
had
no
time
for
any
schemes
or
dreams
such
as
those
which
had
tormented
me
when
I
had
more
leisure
.
In
one
respect
this
was
a
blessing
.
Destiny
now
had
prescribed
for
me
.
I
was
no
longer
agitated
by
ignorance
of
what
I
ought
to
do
.
My
present
duty
was
obviously
to
get
my
own
living
,
and
having
got
that
,
I
could
do
little
besides
save
continue
the
Sundays
with
M’Kay
.
We
were
almost
entirely
alone
.
We
had
no
means
of
making
any
friends
.
We
had
no
money
,
and
no
gifts
of
any
kind
.
We
were
neither
of
us
witty
nor
attractive
,
but
I
have
often
wondered
,
nevertheless
,
what
it
was
which
prevented
us
from
obtaining
acquaintance
with
persons
who
thronged
to
houses
in
which
I
could
see
nothing
worth
a
twopenny
omnibus
fare
.
Certain
it
is
,
that
we
went
out
of
our
way
sometimes
to
induce
people
to
call
upon
us
whom
we
thought
we
should
like
;
but
,
if
they
came
once
or
twice
,
they
invariably
dropped
off
,
and
we
saw
no
more
of
them
.
This
behaviour
was
so
universal
that
,
without
the
least
affectation
,
I
acknowledge
there
must
be
something
repellent
in
me
,
but
what
it
is
I
cannot
tell
.
That
Ellen
was
the
cause
of
the
general
aversion
,
it
is
impossible
to
believe
.
The
only
theory
I
have
is
,
that
partly
owing
to
a
constant
sense
of
fatigue
,
due
to
imperfect
health
,
and
partly
to
chafing
irritation
at
mere
gossip
,
although
I
had
no
power
to
think
of
anything
better
,
or
say
anything
better
myself
,
I
was
avoided
both
by
the
commonplace
and
those
who
had
talent
.
Commonplace
persons
avoided
me
because
I
did
not
chatter
,
and
persons
of
talent
because
I
stood
for
nothing
.
“
There
was
nothing
in
me
.
”
We
met
at
M’Kay’s
two
gentlemen
whom
we
thought
we
might
invite
to
our
house
.
One
of
them
was
an
antiquarian
.
He
had
discovered
in
an
excavation
in
London
some
Roman
remains
.
This
had
led
him
on
to
the
study
of
the
position
and
boundaries
of
the
Roman
city
.
He
had
become
an
authority
upon
this
subject
,
and
had
lectured
upon
it
.
He
came
;
but
as
we
were
utterly
ignorant
,
and
could
not
,
with
all
our
efforts
,
manifest
any
sympathy
which
he
valued
at
the
worth
of
a
pin
,
he
soon
departed
,
and
departed
for
ever
.
The
second
was
a
student
of
Elizabethan
literature
,
and
I
rashly
concluded
at
once
that
he
must
be
most
delightful
.
He
likewise
came
.
I
showed
him
my
few
poor
books
,
which
he
condemned
,
and
I
found
that
such
observations
as
I
could
make
he
considered
as
mere
twaddle
.
I
knew
nothing
,
or
next
to
nothing
,
about
the
editions
or
the
curiosities
,
or
the
proposed
emendations
of
obscure
passages
,
and
he
,
too
,
departed
abruptly
.
I
began
to
think
after
he
had
gone
that
my
study
of
Shakespeare
was
mere
dilettantism
but
I
afterwards
came
to
the
conclusion
that
if
a
man
wishes
to
spoil
himself
for
Shakespeare
,
the
best
thing
he
can
do
is
to
turn
Shakespearian
critic
.
My
worst
enemy
at
this
time
was
ill
health
,
and
it
was
more
distressing
than
it
otherwise
would
have
been
,
because
I
had
such
responsibilities
upon
me
.
When
I
lived
alone
I
knew
that
if
anything
should
happen
to
me
it
would
be
of
no
particular
consequence
,
but
now
whenever
I
felt
sick
I
was
anxious
on
account
of
Ellen
.
What
would
become
of
her
—
this
was
the
thought
which
kept
me
awake
night
after
night
when
the
terrors
of
depression
were
upon
me
,
as
they
often
were
.
But
still
,
terrors
with
growing
years
had
lost
their
ancient
strength
.
My
brain
and
nerves
were
quiet
compared
with
what
they
were
in
times
gone
by
,
and
I
had
gradually
learned
the
blessed
lesson
which
is
taught
by
familiarity
with
sorrow
,
that
the
greater
part
of
what
is
dreadful
in
it
lies
in
the
imagination
.
The
true
Gorgon
head
is
seldom
seen
in
reality
.
That
it
exists
I
do
not
doubt
,
but
it
is
not
so
commonly
visible
as
we
think
.
Again
,
as
we
get
older
we
find
that
all
life
is
given
us
on
conditions
of
uncertainty
,
and
yet
we
walk
courageously
on
.
The
labourer
marries
and
has
children
,
when
there
is
nothing
but
his
own
strength
between
him
and
ruin
.
A
million
chances
are
encountered
every
day
,
and
any
one
of
the
million
accidents
which
might
happen
would
cripple
him
or
kill
him
,
and
put
into
the
workhouse
those
who
depend
upon
him
.
Yet
he
treads
his
path
undisturbed
.
Life
to
all
of
us
is
a
narrow
plank
placed
across
a
gulf
,
which
yawns
on
either
side
,
and
if
we
were
perpetually
looking
down
into
it
we
should
fall
.
So
at
last
,
the
possibility
of
disaster
ceased
to
affright
me
.
I
had
been
brought
off
safely
so
many
times
when
destruction
seemed
imminent
,
that
I
grew
hardened
,
and
lay
down
quietly
at
night
,
although
the
whim
of
a
madman
might
to-morrow
cast
me
on
the
pavement
.
Frequently
,
as
I
have
said
,
I
could
not
do
this
,
but
I
strove
to
do
it
,
and
was
able
to
do
it
when
in
health
.
I
tried
to
think
about
nothing
which
expressed
whatever
in
the
world
may
be
insoluble
or
simply
tragic
.
A
great
change
is
just
beginning
to
come
over
us
in
this
respect
.
So
many
books
I
find
are
written
which
aim
merely
at
new
presentation
of
the
hopeless
.
The
contradictions
of
fate
,
the
darkness
of
death
,
the
fleeting
of
man
over
this
brief
stage
of
existence
,
whence
we
know
not
,
and
whither
we
know
not
,
are
favourite
subjects
with
writers
who
seem
to
think
that
they
are
profound
,
because
they
can
propose
questions
which
cannot
be
answered
.
There
is
really
more
strength
of
mind
required
for
resolving
the
commonest
difficulty
than
is
necessary
for
the
production
of
poems
on
these
topics
.
The
characteristic
of
so
much
that
is
said
and
written
now
is
melancholy
;
and
it
is
melancholy
,
not
because
of
any
deeper
acquaintance
with
the
secrets
of
man
than
that
which
was
possessed
by
our
forefathers
,
but
because
it
is
easy
to
be
melancholy
,
and
the
time
lacks
strength
.
As
I
am
now
setting
down
,
without
much
order
or
connection
,
the
lessons
which
I
had
to
learn
,
I
may
perhaps
be
excused
if
I
add
one
or
two
others
.
I
can
say
of
them
all
,
that
they
are
not
book
lessons
.
They
have
been
taught
me
by
my
own
experience
,
and
as
a
rule
I
have
always
found
that
in
my
own
most
special
perplexities
I
got
but
little
help
from
books
or
other
persons
.
I
had
to
find
out
for
myself
what
was
for
me
the
proper
way
of
dealing
with
them
.
My
love
for
Ellen
was
great
,
but
I
discovered
that
even
such
love
as
this
could
not
be
left
to
itself
.
It
wanted
perpetual
cherishing
.
The
lamp
,
if
it
was
to
burn
brightly
,
required
daily
trimming
,
for
people
became
estranged
and
indifferent
,
not
so
much
by
open
quarrel
or
serious
difference
,
as
by
the
intervention
of
trifles
which
need
but
the
smallest
,
although
continuous
effort
for
their
removal
.
The
true
wisdom
is
to
waste
no
time
over
them
,
but
to
eject
them
at
once
.
Love
,
too
,
requires
that
the
two
persons
who
love
one
another
shall
constantly
present
to
one
another
what
is
best
in
them
,
and
to
accomplish
this
,
deliberate
purpose
,
and
even
struggle
,
are
necessary
.
If
through
relapse
into
idleness
we
do
not
attempt
to
bring
soul
and
heart
into
active
communion
day
by
day
,
what
wonder
if
this
once
exalted
relationship
become
vulgar
and
mean
?
I
was
much
overworked
.
It
was
not
the
work
itself
which
was
such
a
trial
,
but
the
time
it
consumed
.
At
best
,
I
had
but
a
clear
space
of
an
hour
,
or
an
hour
and
a
half
at
home
,
and
to
slave
merely
for
this
seemed
such
a
mockery
!
Day
after
day
sped
swiftly
by
,
made
up
of
nothing
but
this
infernal
drudgery
,
and
I
said
to
myself
—
Is
this
life
?
But
I
made
up
my
mind
that
never
would
I
give
myself
tongue
.
I
clapped
a
muzzle
on
my
mouth
.
Had
I
followed
my
own
natural
bent
,
I
should
have
become
expressive
about
what
I
had
to
endure
,
but
I
found
that
expression
reacts
on
him
who
expresses
and
intensifies
what
is
expressed
.
If
we
break
out
into
rhetoric
over
a
toothache
,
the
pangs
are
not
the
easier
,
but
the
worse
to
be
borne
.
I
naturally
contracted
a
habit
of
looking
forward
from
the
present
moment
to
one
beyond
.
The
whole
week
seemed
to
exist
for
the
Sunday
.
On
Monday
morning
I
began
counting
the
hours
till
Sunday
should
arrive
.
The
consequence
was
,
that
when
it
came
,
it
was
not
enjoyed
properly
,
and
I
wasted
it
in
noting
the
swiftness
of
its
flight
.
Oh
,
how
absurd
is
man
!
If
we
were
to
reckon
up
all
the
moments
which
we
really
enjoy
for
their
own
sake
,
how
few
should
we
find
them
to
be
!
The
greatest
part
,
far
the
greatest
part
,
of
our
lives
is
spent
in
dreaming
over
the
morrow
,
and
when
it
comes
,
it
,
too
,
is
consumed
in
the
anticipation
of
a
brighter
morrow
,
and
so
the
cheat
is
prolonged
,
even
to
the
grave
.
This
tendency
,
unconquerable
though
it
may
appear
to
be
,
can
to
a
great
extent
at
any
rate
,
be
overcome
by
strenuous
discipline
.
I
tried
to
blind
myself
to
the
future
,
and
many
and
many
a
time
,
as
I
walked
along
that
dreary
New
Road
or
Old
St.
Pancras
Road
,
have
I
striven
to
compel
myself
not
to
look
at
the
image
of
Hampstead
Heath
or
Regent’s
Park
,
as
yet
six
days
in
front
of
me
,
but
to
get
what
I
could
out
of
what
was
then
with
me
.
The
instinct
which
leads
us
perpetually
to
compare
what
we
are
with
what
we
might
be
is
no
doubt
of
enormous
value
,
and
is
the
spring
which
prompts
all
action
,
but
,
like
every
instinct
,
it
is
the
source
of
greatest
danger
.
I
remember
the
day
and
the
very
spot
on
which
it
flashed
into
me
,
like
a
sudden
burst
of
the
sun’s
rays
,
that
I
had
no
right
to
this
or
that
—
to
so
much
happiness
,
or
even
so
much
virtue
.
What
title-deeds
could
I
show
for
such
a
right
?
Straightway
it
seemed
as
if
the
centre
of
a
whole
system
of
dissatisfaction
were
removed
,
and
as
if
the
system
collapsed
.
God
,
creating
from
His
infinite
resources
a
whole
infinitude
of
beings
,
had
created
me
with
a
definite
position
on
the
scale
,
and
that
position
only
could
I
claim
.
Cease
the
trick
of
contrast
.
If
I
can
by
any
means
get
myself
to
consider
myself
alone
without
reference
to
others
,
discontent
will
vanish
.
I
walk
this
Old
St.
Pancras
Road
on
foot
—
another
rides
.
Keep
out
of
view
him
who
rides
and
all
persons
riding
,
and
I
shall
not
complain
that
I
tramp
in
the
wet
.
So
also
when
I
think
how
small
and
weak
I
am
.
How
foolish
it
is
to
try
and
cure
by
argument
what
time
will
cure
so
completely
and
so
gently
if
left
to
itself
.
As
I
get
older
,
the
anxiety
to
prove
myself
right
if
I
quarrel
dies
out
.
I
hold
my
tongue
and
time
vindicates
me
,
if
it
is
possible
to
vindicate
me
,
or
convicts
me
if
I
am
wrong
.
Many
and
many
a
debate
too
which
I
have
had
with
myself
alone
has
been
settled
in
the
same
way
.
The
question
has
been
put
aside
and
has
lost
its
importance
.
The
ancient
Church
thought
,
and
seriously
enough
,
no
doubt
,
that
all
the
vital
interests
of
humanity
were
bound
up
with
the
controversies
upon
the
Divine
nature
;
but
the
centuries
have
rolled
on
,
and
who
cares
for
those
controversies
now
.
The
problems
of
death
and
immortality
once
upon
a
time
haunted
me
so
that
I
could
hardly
sleep
for
thinking
about
them
.
I
cannot
tell
how
,
but
so
it
is
,
that
at
the
present
moment
,
when
I
am
years
nearer
the
end
,
they
trouble
me
but
very
little
.
If
I
could
but
bury
and
let
rot
things
which
torment
me
and
come
to
no
settlement
—
if
I
could
always
do
this
—
what
a
blessing
it
would
be
.
CHAPTER
IX
HOLIDAYS
I
have
said
that
Ellen
had
a
child
by
her
first
husband
.
Marie
,
for
that
was
her
name
,
was
now
ten
years
old
.
She
was
like
neither
her
mother
nor
father
,
and
yet
was
shot
as
it
were
with
strange
gleams
which
reminded
me
of
her
paternal
grandmother
for
a
moment
,
and
then
disappeared
.
She
had
rather
coarse
dark
hair
,
small
black
eyes
,
round
face
,
and
features
somewhat
blunt
or
blurred
,
the
nose
in
particular
being
so
.
She
had
a
tendency
to
be
stout
.
For
books
she
did
not
care
,
and
it
was
with
the
greatest
difficulty
we
taught
her
to
read
.
She
was
not
orderly
or
careful
about
her
person
,
and
in
this
respect
was
a
sore
disappointment
—
not
that
she
was
positively
careless
,
but
she
took
no
pride
in
dress
,
nor
in
keeping
her
room
and
her
wardrobe
neat
.
She
was
fond
of
bright
colours
,
which
was
another
trial
to
Ellen
,
who
disliked
any
approach
to
gaudiness
.
She
was
not
by
any
means
a
fool
,
and
she
had
a
peculiarly
swift
mode
of
expressing
herself
upon
persons
and
things
.
A
stranger
looking
at
her
would
perhaps
have
adjudged
her
inclined
to
sensuousness
,
and
dull
.
She
was
neither
one
nor
the
other
.
She
ate
little
,
although
she
was
fond
of
sweets
.
Her
rather
heavy
face
,
with
no
clearly
cut
outline
in
it
,
was
not
the
typical
face
for
passion
;
but
she
was
capable
of
passion
to
an
extraordinary
degree
,
and
what
is
more
remarkable
,
it
was
not
explosive
passion
,
or
rather
it
was
not
passion
which
she
suffered
to
explode
.
I
remember
once
when
she
was
a
little
mite
she
was
asked
out
somewhere
to
tea
.
She
was
dressed
and
ready
,
but
it
began
to
rain
fast
,
and
she
was
told
she
could
not
go
.
She
besought
,
but
it
was
in
vain
.
We
could
not
afford
cabs
,
and
there
was
no
omnibus
.
Marie
,
finding
all
her
entreaties
were
useless
,
quietly
walked
out
of
the
room
;
and
after
some
little
time
her
mother
,
calling
her
and
finding
she
did
not
come
,
went
to
look
for
her
.
She
had
gone
into
the
back-yard
,
and
was
sitting
there
in
the
rain
by
the
side
of
the
water-butt
.
She
was
soaked
,
and
her
best
clothes
were
spoiled
.
I
must
confess
that
I
did
not
take
very
kindly
to
her
.
I
was
irritated
at
her
slowness
in
learning
;
it
was
,
in
fact
,
painful
to
be
obliged
to
teach
her
.
I
thought
that
perhaps
she
might
have
some
undeveloped
taste
for
music
,
but
she
showed
none
,
and
our
attempts
to
get
her
to
sing
ordinary
melodies
were
a
failure
.
She
was
more
or
less
of
a
locked
cabinet
to
me
.
I
tried
her
with
the
two
or
three
keys
which
I
had
,
but
finding
that
none
of
them
fitted
,
I
took
no
more
pains
about
her
.
One
Sunday
we
determined
upon
a
holiday
.
It
was
a
bold
adventure
for
us
,
but
we
had
made
up
our
minds
.
There
was
an
excursion
train
to
Hastings
,
and
accordingly
Ellen
,
Marie
,
and
myself
were
at
London
Bridge
Station
early
in
the
morning
.
It
was
a
lovely
summer’s
day
in
mid-July
.
The
journey
down
was
uncomfortable
enough
in
consequence
of
the
heat
and
dust
,
but
we
heeded
neither
one
nor
the
other
in
the
hope
of
seeing
the
sea
.
We
reached
Hastings
at
about
eleven
o’clock
,
and
strolled
westwards
towards
Bexhill
.
Our
pleasure
was
exquisite
.
Who
can
tell
,
save
the
imprisoned
Londoner
,
the
joy
of
walking
on
the
clean
sea-sand
!
What
a
delight
that
was
,
to
say
nothing
of
the
beauty
of
the
scenery
!
To
be
free
of
the
litter
and
filth
of
a
London
suburb
,
of
its
broken
hedges
,
its
brickbats
,
its
torn
advertisements
,
its
worn
and
trampled
grass
in
fields
half
given
over
to
the
speculative
builder
:
in
place
of
this
,
to
tread
the
immaculate
shore
over
which
breathed
a
wind
not
charged
with
soot
;
to
replace
the
dull
,
shrouding
obscurity
of
the
smoke
by
a
distance
so
distinct
that
the
masts
of
the
ships
whose
hulls
were
buried
below
the
horizon
were
visible
—
all
this
was
perfect
bliss
.
It
was
not
very
poetic
bliss
,
perhaps
;
but
nevertheless
it
is
a
fact
that
the
cleanness
of
the
sea
and
the
sea
air
was
as
attractive
to
us
as
any
of
the
sea
attributes
.
We
had
a
wonderful
time
.
Only
in
the
country
is
it
possible
to
note
the
change
of
morning
into
mid-day
,
of
mid-day
into
afternoon
,
and
of
afternoon
into
evening
;
and
it
is
only
in
the
country
,
therefore
,
that
a
day
seems
stretched
out
into
its
proper
length
.
We
had
brought
all
our
food
with
us
,
and
sat
upon
the
shore
in
the
shadow
of
a
piece
of
the
cliff
.
A
row
of
heavy
white
clouds
lay
along
the
horizon
almost
unchangeable
and
immovable
,
with
their
summit-lines
and
the
part
of
the
mass
just
below
them
steeped
in
sunlight
.
The
level
opaline
water
differed
only
from
a
floor
by
a
scarcely
perceptible
heaving
motion
,
which
broke
into
the
faintest
of
ripples
at
our
feet
.
So
still
was
the
great
ocean
,
so
quietly
did
everything
lie
in
it
,
that
the
wavelets
which
licked
the
beach
were
as
pure
and
bright
as
if
they
were
a
part
of
the
mid-ocean
depths
.
About
a
mile
from
us
,
at
one
o’clock
,
a
long
row
of
porpoises
appeared
,
showing
themselves
in
graceful
curves
for
half-an-hour
or
so
,
till
they
went
out
farther
to
sea
off
Fairlight
.
Some
fishing-boats
were
becalmed
just
in
front
of
us
.
Their
shadows
slept
,
or
almost
slept
,
upon
the
water
,
a
gentle
quivering
alone
showing
that
it
was
not
complete
sleep
,
or
if
sleep
,
that
it
was
sleep
with
dreams
.
The
intensity
of
the
sunlight
sharpened
the
outlines
of
every
little
piece
of
rock
,
and
of
the
pebbles
,
in
a
manner
which
seemed
supernatural
to
us
Londoners
.
In
London
we
get
the
heat
of
the
sun
,
but
not
his
light
,
and
the
separation
of
individual
parts
into
such
vivid
isolation
was
so
surprising
that
even
Marie
noticed
it
,
and
said
it
“
all
seemed
as
if
she
were
looking
through
a
glass
.
”
It
was
perfect
—
perfect
in
its
beauty
—
and
perfect
because
,
from
the
sun
in
the
heavens
down
to
the
fly
with
burnished
wings
on
the
hot
rock
,
there
was
nothing
out
of
harmony
.
Everything
breathed
one
spirit
.
Marie
played
near
us
;
Ellen
and
